I’m tired of having to prove myself

(This is kind of a “downer” post.  I’m sorry about that.  I wasn’t going to write it at all.  But maybe someone else out there is feeling like this and is also feeling alone with similar thoughts, so I’m only posting this in hopes that it might help them at the same time it’s giving me what I hope will be some release.  It’s just that I’m just a little frustrated this evening.  I know it will pass.  But for now…)


Well, I am. 

What more can I say?

What more can I do?

How else can I word the fact that I understand official diagnostic criteria and I meet–and exceed–every single bit of it??

What more must I explain?

How many times do I have to explain?

How many tactful reminders do I have to issue?  How many previous posts (backing up all of my evidence, including fucking screenshots) do I have to reference?

Someone asked me a while back if I’m seeking a formal diagnosis to satisfy neurotypicals and the usual neurotypical skepticism.

Unfortunately, no.  That’s not the issue at all.

The saddest part is, I’m actually spending the money to see a specialist for a formal diagnosis just to be able to tell the anti-self-diagnosis elitists (read: the ones who are narrow-minded jerks about it) to shut the hell up already.

It’s not that I haven’t “bothered” to get a diagnosis up until now.  It’s not that I’m dying for attention or to be “different”.  Believe me, I involuntarily staked out my own counterculture before counterculture was “cool”.

I was the alternative before being “alternative” was cool.  I was (unmistakably) different before being “different” was cool.

I’m glad and relieved that these types of clashes are only a tiny (I repeat: very tiny) minority; otherwise, I would’ve given up long ago, and retreated, yet again, back into my self-made cave, alone with my realization.

Believe me, none of you are responsible for this; it’s coming from other places.  Twitter, sure, and even WordPress (WordPress, by the way, must know something I don’t, because it trashed the one dissenting (and “ranty”) comment I’ve ever received on this blog into the “spam” filter.  It’s almost funny…)

if it weren’t true.  If it hadn’t really happened.  Nope, yet another elitist, ableist, “officially-diagnosed” with a snotty superiority complex nosed their way into my world.  I would like to say I could shrug it off and that it didn’t get to me, but I have to admit…I couldn’t, and it did.  I’d love to be able to tell myself not to let them win…but I couldn’t.  I know the truth.

Now that my online presence has been more firmly established, I suppose I’ll have to deal with trolls and naysayers as a Fact of Life.  It’s OK, I guess (it has to be; I don’t think I have much of a choice).  Regardless, I’m certainly used to it.

Like I mentioned before, when (and it’s a “when“, not an “if“) I become formally diagnosed by a specialist, then what?  Will “those people” suddenly magically accept me, inducting me into their Badge-Only Club?

Honestly, I don’t know if I would accept that.  Because if they can’t accept me as I am right now, pre-diagnosis, (and interact with me and value what I have to say now), bonding with me as a person, an individual human being, and not “just” an official diagnosis or lack thereof, then I don’t want to associate with that type then, after I get formally diagnosed.

I know this seems petty and childish.  But I’m already sick of snobs.  Snobs who, in their superior intelligence and supposedly official diagnoses, happen to ignore the fact that real lives and feelings are at stake here.  (And yes, I’m now seeing many more examples where officially-diagnosed people are actually using their diagnosis as an excuse to be dicks to those of us who are self-assessed.  I hadn’t seen much of that before, but I am now.)

Personal rejection in any capacity has real effects that can be measured.  Not just on the brain but on the rest of a person’s health.  Both brain and body health affect LIVES.  Think about that before participating in snotty elitism.  Please.

PS: Again, sorry for the downer post.  It is NOT directed at anyone here so far, nor those of us who are connected together on any social media.  Here again, it’s a couple of stragglers with whom I’ve never otherwise interacted.  Tomorrow will be better. ❤

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8 Comments

  1. Before I was diagnosed, I was told repeatedly that what i was feeling was typical and that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. The truth was, the WAS something wrong…very wrong. I finally got the formal diagnosis, and for me, it wasn’t about proving it to them, it was about opening the door to get some real help. In the end, I was right, they were wrong, AND I got the help I needed to be OK again. That’s all that matters.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for this; I really needed it, and it really helps 😊. I think that might be the crux of my issue right now; I don’t have a formal diagnosis yet. I feel very stuck in limbo between the 2 worlds, not fitting into one (the NT world), but not being fully accepted by the other (at least, not yet). This’ll pass, and your words provided me a lot of the motivation and Encourangement I needed. Thank you again ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Please don’t apologise for a “downer post”. You’ve written so eloquently exactly why I’m so worried about coming out before I’ve got my official diagnosis.
    I accept people at face value and I would never dismiss a self dx, but I know that people do and it hurts so much.
    Thank you for being so brave and standing up and talking. Your blog is such a tremendous help to me and I hate that you’re feeling terrible. You don’t deserve to.
    I’m waiting for my assessment for AS but have just started a blog about my OCD; I really want to write about my AS but I don’t know if I can before my dx. I’m so scared of judgement and dismissal.
    Thank you again, you’re amazing x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, support, and compliments! 😘 I really, really appreciate them. I wholeheartedly agree with what you said, too, about not dismissing people just because their diagnosis isn’t “official” (yet). It’s like gender identity; we know what we are, and we know WHO we are, with or without that magical piece of paper 💙💚

      Liked by 1 person

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