Small Talk Sucks(TM)

Ooh!  A person.  (Yikes!  A person.)  Maybe they won’t see me.  Oh shizz, they see me. 

Please say hi to me.  Please acknowledge me.  Please, please don’t ignore me; I already feel so insignificant in this world.

Wait–scratch that–please, don’t say hi.  If you do, then that means that I have to say hi back.  And if I do, you might ask me how I am.  And the truth is, I don’t know.  I feel all these different things.  I feel alone.  I feel unappreciated.  I feel different.  I feel strange.  I feel tired.  I might be getting hungry, but I can’t tell.

If they say, “hi, how are you?” do I simply say “fine” because my life doesn’t totally suck and things could be a lot worse?  If I say “I’m OK”, that would probably put them off right?  “OK” isn’t the same as “fine”.  “Fine” as acceptable; “OK” is considered mediocre in this world.  “OK” means there’s actually something wrong but I’m being coy or distant or that I’m some kind of grump who can’t cheer up for one second.  Never mind that I’m confused.  Never mind that I may have answered this question with an embarrassingly complete rundown when a simple “fine” was all that was expected (wanted).

Oh god, a conversation got started.  How did I get dragged into this?  How do I get out??  What’s an acceptable excuse without coming across as rude?

Now they want to talk about the cedar and how it’s causing so many problems for people with allergies.  I know of some good remedies for that!  But if I share them, then that keeps the conversation going, which I REALLY don’t want to do.  (I was looking for an out, remember?)

But if I hold back and NOT share the information, I feel like a jerk.  I could have helped someone and decided not to, out of my own selfishness.

But then, if I do share my ideas with them, they might respond dismissively.  They might not believe in it, which would be disheartening.  And then I would feel compelled to convince them, extolling the virtues of science-based natural health.  Or they might have already tried it and it didn’t work.  I would’ve felt like a failure or mediocre (which, if you recall, isn’t acceptable in this world), which would only have reinforced my feelings of insignificance.  Maybe I’m not so unique or special after all.

OK, back to square one.  Where will the conversation go this time?  I have to stay mentally on-guard.  Must be prepared for anything.

Weather, yeah, I can do that.  I haven’t been living under a rock or anything.  I’ve looked out the window and I know the temperature has changed because I’ve had to alter my heating and air conditioning accordingly.

It also really helps if they have pets.  Especially if they’re walking their dog, and especially if the dog is friendly and of manageable size.  That would be a mutually shared interest.  Bonus: the dog would give me a socially acceptable eye contact target that might let me off the hook for making eye contact with people.  Yes, that could work; in fact, that would be great.

But even in the best of circumstances (like having the dog present as a focal point), I still wonder too much…

Are my jeans and shirt clean?  Is there anything stuck in my teeth?  Did I remember to brush?  Do I smell funny?  Am I standing too close?  I’m getting hot out here.  What’s up there in the sky?  Where I spent my childhood, there was an old wives tale that you could count on – if you can see the backs of the leaves on the trees when the wind blows, then you know that rain is in the forecast; does that hold true here, too?  Does the other person notice my recently-acquired belly fat?  Does my chosen hair color clash with my skin tone?  Do they think I’m staring too intently?  Where should I focus?  I can’t look at both of their eyes at once; yet they’re looking at me just fine.  How do they do that??  How do I do that?  I can’t seem to do it.  So where should I look instead?  (I found out the hard way that switching back and forth between both their eyes is NOT the answer.)  So maybe I should look at their nose?  The spot between their eyes?  Maybe their forehead.  Or maybe their lips.  Do they know that I’m confused?  For some reason, I’m drawn to their mouth.  It’s not a sensual thing (not in the least!) but that’s where I find myself looking.  Do they notice?  Do they think that’s weird?  Do I “pass”, or can they tell that I’m looking in a different spot?  Damn, why do I use words like “pass”, anyway?  If people can tell that I’m different, then does that mean I don’t “pass”?  Does that mean I “fail”?  Oh god, am I relating Asperger’s/autistic traits to “failure” now?  That’s not healthy; does it mean I’m ableist after all??  Truth be told, I don’t (I repeat: I do not) see my Asperger’s as a problem, but what about the rest of the world?  Do they?  Should I just be “out and proud “?  I rather like that idea, but I’m afraid I’ll be rejected; they want to talk about makeup or their kids or current events and I’m sitting here wanting to say, “for the record, I’m looking at your mouth instead of your eyes because I ‘have’ Asperger’s and I would rather not make eye contact, if that’s OK?”  Jeez, why would I even have to say “if that’s OK”?  What, am I asking for permission?  Does the neurotypical world ever ask for ours?  Am I being ableist again?

And I realize that a whole chunk of a Small Talk Conversation has transpired, and I was completely zoned out!  Did they realize that I wasn’t paying attention?  Do they think I’m rude now?  Did I hurt their feelings?  I really don’t want to be rude or hurt anyone’s feelings.  Talk about a proverbial knife in the gut.  Or, alternatively, do they think that I’m spacey or somehow “ditzy”?  (Lord, I despise those terms.  I always got accused of such things, and they’re an assault on females everywhere.)

What are we talking about now?  Which way did the conversation turn?  Can I catch up and tune in, kind of like I do when turning the TV on at night in the middle of a show?  Yeah, I can do that.  At least, I think so.

Where are we?  They’re asking me where I work and what I do.  Well, I do human biochemistry, research analysis, and internal medicine consultation – in that order.  Yes, I’m a doctor.  It seems too punctuated, too brief, like I’m playing games, but I want to be polite.  Was that all the info they wanted?  But I know what comes next!  They’re going to ask me what specialty.  Yep, I can answer that one, too.  But fifteen minutes later, I realize that although I’ve been silent before, I’ve rambled on about how I decided to become a doctor, what kind of specialty training I’ve gone for afterward, how we started our practice, how scary it was, and basically my life story for the past fifteen years.  Does that still fit the definition of small talk??  Did they want all that info?  I feel apologetic for spilling verbal spew all over them.  I’m pretty sure they were just being polite, nodding and making eye contact with me (or were they?  If I’m the one doing the talking, I usually look away, and not at them, so for all I know, they could have been staring at their shoes and I wouldn’t have noticed).  I’m sure I bored them and they’ll probably never want to talk with me again.

Oh well, Small Talk Problem solved.

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

12 Comments

    1. Omg!! Thank you for this link! I read it right away, and it’s a PHENOMENAL piece! Everybody who has ever faced challenges similar to those described above needs to go read it – it’s definitely worth the time (which isn’t long). 😊❤️👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

      Liked by 1 person

  1. The timing of this was literally perfect! I was feeling a bit too “peopled” and starting to feel/think (I can never work out if I am feeling it or thinking it; perhaps it is both?) a bit on the bleak side of things. Then this popped into my inbox right as I was about to turn the computer off and go lay down. I am right there with you and I am laughing so hard (again, with you not at you) at the absurdity of the situation that is so very familiar in almost every aspect.

    “I found out the hard way that switching back and forth between both their eyes is NOT the answer” Yes, me too. It was not so funny at the time but I am laughing again now as I recall the incident. I was as confused as the young man whose eyes I had been looking at. I had a huge crush on him at the time and was trying to follow a “script” I had put together from reading, movies and past experiences for how to behave in order to flirt with him. At the time I was not aware that it was actually a script or why I even felt the need to have some sort of guide on how to behave in order to achieve the desired outcome. He had asked why my eyes kept moving from side to side as he assumed it was some sort of involuntary tic (I guess). For the record, my current strategy is to examine the patterns in one iris (but not for too long – no real idea how long that actually is so just guess), divert my gaze for a bit (again, take a guess at how long is appropriate) and then look back to study the patterns in the other iris, look away again and repeat. This seems to work but who really knows? Also, if they do catch my eyes and make contact it feels way too intimate and I start to blush (think beetroot red), this is then usually misinterpreted (in any manner of ways) and so it is often not worth the risk.

    Side issue, I don’t use Twitter I think I understand the basic concept of hashtags. I notice the INTJ hashtag is listed under the post. I have done many tests and keep coming up INTJ (I keep doing the tests because I really don’t want to be in another minority even though I value being unique – go figure). Did you put this in because you are an INTJ?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for adding your voice! I chuckled, too, when I read your comment (not at you but with your agreement and being able to relate to my experience) 😊

      Yep, I’m indeed an INTJ; I included the tag because I felt it was representative of my self-hyper-analysis and extreme introversion 😉 Like you, I keep coming up that way ❤️

      So you blush in eye contact, too? I often do and I did as a kid, which didn’t help serious conversations with my mom when I had to make eye contact to “prove” I was telling the truth. But then I would blush, sending her into thinking that I was lying anyway! Gah, can’t win lol 💙

      Liked by 2 people

  2. if i were talking to you, id try to get to the point. but if small talk is a chance for everyone to “sniff each others butts” as it were, and feel each other out before actually talking about whats important, then its not really useless or foolish. its a like a warm-up pitch before the real one.

    that said, its not always useful to us, so i feel you. but think about it. if im talking to a girl i admire, small talk is going to start whether i want it to or not. id like to skip all that and start with “youre enchantingly beautiful. please triple or quadruple the amount of pleasure i will feel this year, by spending it talking to me.” that wont work on most people. “what do you think of [pointless nonsense]” sometimes is more effective, unless you stay there too long and walk away.

    i was in a bar tonight, and i met a friendly fellow who talked to me about a musician i grew up with. it was all small talk, then we shook hands and introduced ourselves.

    from that small talk, i got the following: he is either closer to my age, or has taste in music from when i was young. he doesnt think im a terrible person, or he has some reason to act friendly anyway. i got a name, and a face. but above all, i dealt with one friendly person that wasnt trying to sell me a drink. we didnt talk about anything important– but if i see him again, he wont be a total stranger– just close to it. 🙂 and it didnt waste all that much time.

    i often wish life was more logical and less ritualistic. but today it was alright. cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awesome thoughts! Thank you for sharing them 😊 I laughed when I read the “sniffing each other’s butts” because it’s SO TRUE lol! It’s a honed skill for those of us who didn’t automatically come with that “app” 😉❤️

      Liked by 1 person

Please feel free to add your thoughts!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s