Over the past almost-year since I realized that I’m on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum, my whole world has transformed. It has been turned right side up (as opposed to upside down). The butterfly is finally emerging from the cocoon.
If someone were to ask me what I’ve learned beyond the obvious, I’m not sure if I would know what to tell them. The details, once prominent light-bulb moments of the day, have faded into a ocean of such info-nuggets, creating a seascape I’m not sure I could accurately describe.
On one hand, I’m aware now. I didn’t change; I just woke up. I realized who and what I really am. I realized who and what I’ve always been. The mystery has been decoded. The puzzle, instead of forming and complicating, has actually been solved. (Maybe we could hijack the infamous puzzle piece logo and co-opt it for our own use and our own benefit? Yes? No? It’s just a thought <grin>.)
On the other hand (there’s always another hand, at least proverbially), I’ve become less aware. Attributes once thorns in my side (or in the sides of others) have long been discovered to be Aspie/autistic traits, immediately accepted and embraced to be “just the way I am”, and dissolved into non-issue-ness… and then, often forgotten about (even if they’re still thorns in other people’s sides).
Awareness and unawareness have been traded many times over, hopping the fence in my brain, swapping one kind out for another. I’ve become more aware of the intricacies, and less aware of the basics.
I think that comes with the territory for some (many?) of us; once we find out we’re on the autism spectrum, we promptly say, “OK, problem solved, questions answered, let’s move on”, and take a cyber-safari/quest to find others like us. We catch the train of time in its current state, latching on to the current events happening in the community. Meanwhile, I’ve released–or at least loosened–my grip on the basic information, letting it blur into the background somewhat.
I’m not sure how I feel about this. Maybe there’s nothing to feel. Maybe it just happens. Maybe it’s just the reality. Maybe it’s actually a good thing, a sign of progress, evidence that I’m not dwelling and that instead, I might actually be moving forward.
Maybe, just maybe, I’m starting actually to live my life for the first time…