(Un?)awareness

Over the past almost-year since I realized that I’m on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum, my whole world has transformed.  It has been turned right side up (as opposed to upside down).  The butterfly is finally emerging from the cocoon.

If someone were to ask me what I’ve learned beyond the obvious, I’m not sure if I would know what to tell them.  The details, once prominent light-bulb moments of the day, have faded into a ocean of such info-nuggets, creating a seascape I’m not sure I could accurately describe.

On one hand, I’m aware now.  I didn’t change; I just woke up.  I realized who and what I really am.  I realized who and what I’ve always been.  The mystery has been decoded.  The puzzle, instead of forming and complicating, has actually been solved.  (Maybe we could hijack the infamous puzzle piece logo and co-opt it for our own use and our own benefit?  Yes?  No?  It’s just a thought <grin>.)

On the other hand (there’s always another hand, at least proverbially), I’ve become less aware.  Attributes once thorns in my side (or in the sides of others) have long been discovered to be Aspie/autistic traits, immediately accepted and embraced to be “just the way I am”, and dissolved into non-issue-ness… and then, often forgotten about (even if they’re still thorns in other people’s sides).

Awareness and unawareness have been traded many times over, hopping the fence in my brain, swapping one kind out for another.  I’ve become more aware of the intricacies, and less aware of the basics.

I think that comes with the territory for some (many?) of us; once we find out we’re on the autism spectrum, we promptly say, “OK, problem solved, questions answered, let’s move on”, and take a cyber-safari/quest to find others like us.  We catch the train of time in its current state, latching on to the current events happening in the community.  Meanwhile, I’ve released–or at least loosened–my grip on the basic information, letting it blur into the background somewhat.

I’m not sure how I feel about this.  Maybe there’s nothing to feel.  Maybe it just happens.  Maybe it’s just the reality.  Maybe it’s actually a good thing, a sign of progress, evidence that I’m not dwelling and that instead, I might actually be moving forward.

Maybe, just maybe, I’m starting actually to live my life for the first time…

***

This is one of my more popular posts!

Advertisements

14 Comments

  1. Ooooooh aaaaaah! It is a profound idea that one might be starting to actually live one’s life now. A life nearly fully lived saying, doing and being the ‘right thing’ is hard to reconcile when it is seen for what it really is; to then drop the baggage and carry on… that is freedom.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. a comment on another blog thats awaiting moderation. i was going to link to it, but i will just post it here since it fits here, too. im going to keep promoting this idea of the autistic community. the reply reposted here, was in response to a person talking about the lonliness of asd:

    theres a site called “itgetsbetter” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWL3xmjhC3c which encourages gays to have hope for a better future, where they have more rights out in the open and more opportunities to feel good about humanity.

    in many ways, the autistic community needs this sort of thing. they need to know that there will be more opportunties, more acceptance, more understanding, and less anxiety– that they wont have to just be like everyone else, or pass or lead a double life.

    this future will happen for the simple reason that people will work to make it happen. people are (slowly) working to make this happen, right now. and yes, people can join that effort to make it happen. if youre blogging about it, youre already one of those people, helping everyone else by giving yourself a voice and telling people what its really like. thats one of many things that HAS TO HAPPEN for things to move forward.

    welcome to our circle. and let me tell you, from one of us (one of you) to another– talking to people online DOES increase your confidence, ability, finesse, patience, to speak to people “offline.” it may take years, but the practice DOES transfer– pleasure to meet you.

    a friend of mine used to (or does) work for p-flag, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PFLAG and i see great parallels between the lgbt movement (particularly regarding gays and bis, but theyre the people ive been closest to in the lgbt movement. i used to live in one of the gay capitals of the usa, and half the women ive dated– wife included– were bi. im essentially bi– though i lean towards cis women and trans women.)

    more advocacy is the only way we will ever be truly happy, and self-advocacy is the best kind by far. a stronger (and diverse) self-advocacy will lead to better allies than useless ones like autism-speaks-but-not-for-us. we should poach one of their spokespeople 🙂 my first choice is patrick stewart, of course.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hear, hear! Totally agreed. Thank you for sharing those links! You have a lot of really cool insight, btw 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. slightly related to this (though mostly to another exchange we had recently…)

        as you move towards it, prepare yourself for the onslaught of anti-(gnu/)linux propaganda: https://jotascript.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/learning-to-code/ <- that guys ok, its the video hes commenting on that is funny. im tempted to turn my comment into a quick blog post. and yes– occasionally gnu/linux is like that. but it can still be fixed with parts from around-the-house.

        it doesnt require you to replace *everything* to fix one thing. thats the "magic" of it. being easily fixable also means that there are more everyday people who can fix it for you…

        i really do adore you, and no one can "flatter" me with a comment like you can. if someone says to me: "nice hair" thats great. (its not true! but its great.) but if you say the same thing, i *will* swoon– dont try to stop me 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. No worries dear! Maybe I can explain… 😊

      When I first realized that I’m an Aspie, I had looked at the traits and become aware of many little nuances in my life that were related to Asperger’s/autism. Almost a year later, some of that early information has faded into the background as simply “a given” that I rarely consciously think about. At the same time, other concepts/phenomena that I’d been unaware of before, are creeping forward into my conscious mind 😊 So I’m becoming aware of some things, while becoming less aware of others. Does that make more sense? 😊❤️

      Liked by 1 person

        1. That’s cool 😊. It may or may not happen; although from what I’ve seen the general experience is largely shared, there can be differences in the nuances. For example, some experience a grieving period for the time when they didn’t know they were autistic, but I haven’t yet gone through that. Maybe it’s coming, or maybe it’ll never come. I’m not sure 😊

          But yeah, different people often experience different things ❤️

          Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s