Sometimes I’m almost afraid to check social media…

(I apologize for the downer post here.  If you’re not in the mood for emotional and mental pretzels colored by equal parts despair and confusion, I won’t hold it against you if you back out without reading 😉  I’m writing this primarily for the purpose of getting it out there, because to write it is to release it, and release is the first step to healing–or at least, feeling better.  Which is ultimately what I’m trying to do.  It hasn’t been an easy afternoon so far.  Since there’s still plenty of day left, I’m hoping that this is a temporary wave.  It’s hard to say right now.  As you’ll see, I don’t have many answers; they elude me.

It’s been said that the World Wide Web–and particularly the landscape and climate of social media–is a reflection of the offline world.

I’m inclined to agree, both at the level of the macro-realm, and also in terms of how I personally experience this phenomenon.

It’s very real to me.  Navigating the choppy seas of the internet and online relationships doesn’t differ too dramatically from the care I must take to do so in offline life, with the people physically surrounding me.

I’m almost afraid to pull up the social media apps.  What awaits me today?  What posts will I see that trigger some traumatic memory or uncontrollable emotion?  What will shut me down?  What will do me in?

What drama occurred overnight while I had the audacity to sleep?  What conflicts erupted during the day while I made the mistake of getting work done?  What notifications (or not) have exploded?

Who did I offend this time?  What wrong word did I use (that I probably didn’t know the “other”, less-common meaning of)?  What error in judgment did I make?  What post did I share?  Who did I accidentally ignore?  What did the social media algorithms not show me, and how tightly will that be held against me?

What is lurking in my newsfeed that’s going to trigger fear/anxiety?  Or irritation/anger?  Or self-consciousness/insecurity?

Which posts (that I thought were really cool, were benign, or would go over well) will fall flat?  Which ones will set people off?  Which ordinary, everyday, seemingly-innocuous words should I avoid?

Who unfollowed or unfriended me?  Which of their allies followed suit?  I’m always afraid that I’ve done something wrong.  Or, in some cases, what I’m getting blamed for is that which I DIDN’T do.  Let’s add a French-twist: “for which I didn’t do” fast enough.

Apparently, if I don’t bang the gavel down on the “correct” side, and before the arbitrary, unannounced expiration time, then I’m cast out of an entire group.  The question becomes, did I belong there in the first place?  Is it my character flaw or is it theirs?  Who needs to do the growing?  I honestly don’t know.

And then there’s the pure fear I feel when trying to reach out to those who have drifted away or warninglessly cut off ties.  I don’t want to offend. I don’t want to sound dense.  I don’t want to come off as desperate.  But I do want to come off as though I care.  Because I do.

Emotionally, I get very fragile, kind of like eggshells.  Sometimes I actually do get a little shaky (yes, physically).  Sometimes I really do feel the adrenaline in my legs (my thighs, to be specific).  Sometimes my heart really does speed up.  Sometimes whatever train of thought I was on before, derails.  Sometimes all I am is a pile of mental and emotional carnage, by a point too early in the day.

What will the fallout be?  Which friends will become unfriends?  Whose feelings will I hurt?  Who will I trigger?  What will I trigger inside them?  What nuclear chain reaction do I unknowingly set off?  When will I finally relax enough to sleep?  What time will that be?

And then there are the accusations.  I was actually labeled “two-faced” today.  Am I really?  I don’t honestly know the answer to that, either, but I do know that I wasn’t trying to be.  Sometimes, to live true to myself, I must maintain allegiance with opposing sides.  I might agree with one more than the other, but I don’t always perceive the gaffes of one side to warrant my cutting off ties, just to appease the other.  If I feel strongly enough about it, I will.  If not, then I won’t.

Sometimes, I am truly offended by what somebody on one “side” said or did.  And other times, I don’t feel like it’s that big a deal.  The latter is probably due to a lack of personal experience with the issue in question; maybe it’s just that I haven’t personally been affected by it.  That doesn’t make me a sociopath.  That doesn’t make me “neurotypical” (the word used occasionally by some in the autistic community to put down other autistic people who don’t act the way some think they should), either.  That doesn’t mean that anyone’s right or wrong; we’re all human, prone to error, and therefore, it just is.

I can say this with certainty, however: I’m not trying to be diplomatic.  I’m not trying to appease anyone.  I’m not trying to walk both sides of any fence.  I’m not trying to emulate any slippery politicians.  I’m not engaging in double-speak.  I’m not trying to be hypocritical.  What you read here are my true thoughts and feelings, sanitized only for blatantly ableist vocabulary (at least, that which I’m aware is ableist) and a few swear words (when I feel like sanitizing them).  Everything else is plain, straightforward truth.  If it looks like I’m trying to “play” to both sides of an argument, that’s because that’s how I truly feel.  What you read is what I think, and that’s that.

When these catastrophies happen, they often happen without warning, while I was away.  I find myself caught up in it without ever having signed up.  It’s like my energy, my fate, and my day, have been hijacked.  Stolen, yanked out from under me, against my will.  Who has the right to do that?  Did I do that?  Am I inadvertently giving them that right by caring so (too) much?  Or am I not caring enough, because I didn’t check in as often as I might should have?  I don’t know.

Is there forgiveness in my future? Is there any hope of reconciliation?  I don’t know that, either.

I don’t have a whole lot of answers.

What I have noticed, however, is that this that this phenomenon tends to be cyclic.  There are peaks and valleys, times where I’m popular and perceived as golden, someone who can’t seem to do any wrong, and then there are other times–times where I might as well be a leper, an “untouchable”.  I try not to let the zeniths go to my head, because that digs the holes for the nadirs that much deeper.  And what goes up always comes down, and vice versa.

Thus, because what goes down will (usually) eventually come back up, I also try not to dwell too much on the low points, either, because I know that they’ll pass.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that everything will be the same again.  But the emotional effect might wear off.  Selfishly, I’m hoping that the icky residue doesn’t linger too long.  For me or for them.

Meanwhile, I’m eternally grateful for the friends who stick around, who see me for who I’m truly trying to be, who consistently recognize (internally or publicly) my efforts and my character for what they are.

Tomorrow–or maybe even later tonight/this afternoon–will be better.  At least, I hope so.

At least, the next post will be, anyway.  I’ll make sure of that ❤



  1. anyone who calls you two-faced for simply being caught in the middle is of course, being an asshole.

    i say “being” an asshole, as it could be an otherwise-reasonable person. youd certainly have cause to be skeptical at that point. (im skeptical already.) if they were fair or insightful, they would realize you put a great deal of effort into weighing “both” (or more than one) sides of an argument. they would give you credit for that, and appreciate the honesty and integrity it implies, rather than attack it.

    and the might even think about what its like emotionally to be in your situation, where you dont have the luxury of arbitrarily choosing a side in a way that has no thought or meaning in the choice– just to what? make someone else happy?

    they would do that instead of attacking my nigh-favorite person in the world. but theyre “being” a f***ing asshole, so they go and call you two-faced instead. what a d**k! 🙂 ❤ ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Awww thank you so much for your support, luv! That means everything to me (I know that sounds cliché; damn the English language for not having a greater variety of powerful words! Lol 😉). Because if I could express what that does mean to me, it might knock you over lol ❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “if I could express what that does mean to me, it might knock you over lol ❤️❤️”

        i live for the day you manage it. in the meantime, i really enjoy speculating. you are so close to being my favorite person in the entire world, it is practically a tie. of course it isnt (ever) a competition– i just really like you that much. and how much do i like the person im making the very-close comparison to? well i could never tell you 🙂 i open the floor to all the speculation can you muster. enjoy ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. and english isnt all bad. it contains all the wonderful things you say to me and call me. things i live to hear– things i can certainly hope are the beginning of a lifelong friendship. (i would not mind.)

        Liked by 1 person

      3. when you comment on my blog, it leaves your email address. when i went on (or intended) a little hiatus, i sent a quick email to you about it. i bet you dont check that one often (im not much for email myself.) however its there, if you ever want to try knocking me over– or just dropping a line. no worries either way 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I know just what you mean 🙂 Human relationships and groups are very unpredictable and that’s a big wild card which can be unsettling.

    Sometimes I think I might be lucky that not many people post on my social media, so if they were offended by anything I said I don’t know about it, or maybe they don’t get offended because they aren’t reading, or are reading and agree, or have no opinion at all.

    As of late I haven’t gotten very deeply involved in groups and I think that may save me alot of heartache.

    There have been times in my life where I have been deeply engaged in groups of certain types and therefore have been in those precarious positions between opposing philosophies and doctrines held by different individuals or groups, and that has been a definite stressor. It becomes too much of a tightrope to manage because it seems the more emotionally invested one becomes in any social setting, the more others expect of you, thus, the higher the risk of saying or doing something someone else won’t like.

    I don’t know if I’m doing the right or wrong thing, but at this stage of my life I am sort of “traveling light” and making it a point not to get too attached to people because;

    1) I never know for sure their level of attachment to me. (I may be completely overestimating what I mean to them, as I tend towards thinking people like me more than they actually do than the opposite).

    2) If it turns out that they are not healthy alliances for whatever reason I have to keep in mind that it’s better to end them sooner than later once more damage has been done. I also have to consciously resist any pressure or guilt-trips from others who misinterpret this as being too quick to close doors on relationships, as logic tells me that since I tend to err on the other end that when I start to get the message that things aren’t going to work, it is most likely healthy self-preservation and I should listen to my own intuition rather than trying to talk myself out of it.

    It seems that when I find myself getting completely shaken it’s a sign maybe I’ve let that person in too far and that’s a sign I need to back away.

    I’m getting better at making the call as to when a relationship is over the hill but it has taken most of my life to come this far.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Wow, thank you so kindly for sharing your insight! You put it perfectly: “wild card”, “unpredictable”, “stressor”, “heartache”, etc. Perfect descriptions!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. I really like your strategies, too. I’m still in that phase of learning, discerning, discovering, evaluating, deciding, and realizing. Lots of verbs there, which of course equates to a lot of work! Lol 😉 I still struggle with figuring out what I did wrong, how not to do it again, how to mend wounds (and how to tell if they can even be mended), etc. It’s still somewhat of a mystery to me lol. I think I’m getting better at it, but it can be hard to tell sometimes. Maybe someday I’ll feel more solid 😊 I love your approach, though! I wonder if that kind of information can be fast-tracked in terms of learning it quicker? ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Relate to every word, friend. Every word. I think this is why I slowed down my blog, honestly. There are some I can’t be myself with. Sigh. So many great thoughts here already, but I will say that, in this life, there will always be those people who get offended. I have no doubt I have done so, particularly as I am pretty decisive in matters of faith, but, in the end, when we remain true to ourselves, our hearts shine through

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Oops. Still had thoughts and accidentally hit send. To finish….our hearts shine through and the right people gravitate towards us. Much love to you. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hear, hear!! (Applause) 😊 And I definitely count you among those right people. I gravitate toward you, too. You’re such a sincere, caring person and I can’t imagine anyone would take offense to anything you say, but then again, there are some irrational people out there, people who thrive on pot-stirring. I’m so glad there are so many other people who aren’t like that. Y’all are absolutely golden to me. You really know just how to rally around someone in loving support, and I thank you with every cell of my being for that 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It all makes sense to me I feel vulnerable with Social Media and in my ineptitude using it I feel so stupid .

    I stopped blogging a few months ago it was all too much… overwhelmed by input, stimulation and so many simultaneous emotions …. and not knowing how to “Manage” both Twitter and WordPress… all too much… gave up on FB years ago due to my non tech savvy ness ( new word maybe) and also being stalked by a male on an Aspie site.

    Now I’m slowly regaining composure needed to overcome both my insecurities and IT ineptitude… it was important to ” Stop the world as I wanted to get off” I needed to get off to save my self… sanity… and allow respite … and allow the future to form itself with my oversight.

    Will keep up with you on WP.

    Thanks for giving your all!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement! You are too kind 😘 I completely understand the whole tech ineptitude – you’ve got plenty of company! ❤️ Yes! The drama feels very much like you described it – “stop the world, I want to get off” – perfect words! I love your blog, so, for purely selfish reasons, I hope that goes more smoothly for you! (Well, probably not *purely* selfish, because I do hope it’s more pleasant for you, too! 😊😊)

      Thank you again! I’m so happy to be able to chat with you on here ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  6. A while back, I belonged to a group of people that were supposed to be like me. I had never in my life met so many judgemental people who almost felt compelled to make others feel as miserable and low as they did. It took me a long time to realize they were draining me of my life-force (or the force that makes me want to live life to the fullest). Finally, I got the message when someone asked me a question, i answered it, and everyone felt the need to “correct”, “educate”, and “set me straight”. It was a question about how I was feeling, it was not up for debate. Sometimes, just because you can belong doesn’t mean that you should. You have every right to believe more than one thing at a time, and that doesn’t make you two-faced. It makes THEM two-faced, because they claim to support you but knock you down when given the chance. They’re not worth the tears one would shed over spilled milk. You can do better than that. You’re worth more than that. And a lot of people here care about you and what you have to say without tearing you down. And I have found so far that very few people get upset because I don’t necessarily reply in a timely manner either. So far, on here, people have been exceptionally gracious in understanding that I work on my time-table, and it’s not a personal diss them, it’s just what i can handle that day at that time.

    I hope you can learn to put the nay-sayers to the side, and just be content knowing that you are being true to yourself, which is the most powerful thing you can do. People are going to be negative no matter what and that’s on them – not you. You don’t get back to them in time and they get angry, that’s less about you and more about their insecurities: they lash out because they feel slighted. Just do you, and don’t let the people who want you to play by their rules make you sad or feel badly; it’s just them trying to force you into their expected box labelled neatly for you rather than letting you spread your wings and soar in your own beautiful way.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh wow! Thank you for your beautiful words of caring, support, and encouragement! My spirit is starting to sing right now ❤️❤️

      Thank you also for sharing your story. I’m so very sorry that happened to you. I’m relieved for you that you took care of You and made the crucial move to leave that toxic group. 💐💐

      Yeah, some people are simply toxic and they thrive on negativity. It gives them a disordered, unhealthy energy or something. I’m not sure. Part of me wants to analyze it before I put it to rest, but the rest of me realizes that some people just don’t make sense and can’t be made sense of. That latter part of me is wanting to let it go and focus on much more constructive projects and lovely people who stand beside me and like me for who I am. That’s what’s truly important and beautiful anyway. I think that latter part of me is wiser lol 😊

      Thank you so much again for your lovely comment! I truly, truly appreciate it 💜💞

      Liked by 2 people

      1. ” Part of me wants to analyze it before I put it to rest”

        Believe me, I understand this need. It’s curiosity, the desire to understand, and even a little part a desire to help them. But you can’t. As you said,everyone is different and therefore no two reasons for being mean are the same. But one thing is universal: those that like to make you feel less-than are NOT worth your time, energy, or thoughts. Even if they’re friends. Everyone comes with their own particular baggage, and if their baggage doesn’t go with yours, it’s not worth the effort, stress, and self-doubt it causes you. Beggar off. It’s better for both parties.

        My grandmother used to say that people are like diamonds not rocks. No body is one thing all the time; they have facets, and when allowed to express them and show them they shine. Anyone who tries to dull your shine is simply trying to make you into something you’re not and are not worth the effort.

        Be the beautiful diamond you are, and just know that there are those of us that like your facets and want you to shine.

        Liked by 3 people

  7. This blog is one of 5 I read daily in my mail without fail. I’ve sifted those 5 out of hundreds that I get tired of. I’m a lurker deluxe (and a 10-year blogger), so I’ll let you know what I represent. I represent all the people offline (and who you don’t see online) who struggle so much that we can barely speak to others most of the time, even in a comment. Not only am I currently in tech fail with a stripped out phone (and stupid wordpress is so restrictive on mobile anyway that I can’t freely ‘like’ without having to log in and then I can’t comment as linked through an outside source), and currently I am having a very nasty headache (I’m a 3-decade super spoonie tapering off a strong med), and currently it’s all I can do to pull my day together enough to buy groceries, but I’m going to the effort right now to say you are heard, and I appreciate you. I don’t always agree, and sometimes I think you kind of over generalize onto a population, but you are awesome at words and sometimes you are right on the money like no one else I’ve ever seen. I’m glad you blog. One thing in particular I’ve noticed from years of blogging is that the peaks and valleys are very regular every year, verified now with years of social media proving that people are in mass step on an emotional roller coaster that I think is more tied to the school semester/holiday/shopping sales rhythm than anything. I’m one of those weirdos who can go back to tweets from years ago and show people they say things exactly on cue almost to the day every year, day in and day out. So the bumming out part is not you, it’s not them, it’s *us*. We’re all in step. One of my personal rules about blogging is your blog is your blog is your blog, you can say whatever you want on your blog, and if anyone has a problem with it they can move along. They don’t own you or your blog, and you are not here to make or break anyone’s day. They bring their own baggage to the table, so never take anything personally that someone says to you on your blog. That being said, I’m so easily triggered that I don’t encourage comments at all, and my core readers know that I’m fine without a single word. I don’t fish for any kind of reactions, and when people do bug me (I have fans, that makes me lol), we usually wind up falling out because no matter if a person has read every single thing I ever wrote, if they still don’t get I can’t play the social game (like many of the smoother auties I see blogging and tweeting), and it hurts their feelings that I would be so awful to not acknowledge them or even get angry when they try harder and harder to get response out of me, even if they think they are being good friends to me. I’ve seen it all in blogging, and you are doing fine. Draw your lines, decide who you are and what you want to be/do with your writing, and other people crabbing or dumping or whatever is your prerogative to delete, because it’s your blog. There’s no law saying you HAVE to allow freedom of speech on your blog at cost to your own emotional comfort. Sorry so long, but my fave blogs have a habit of disappearing, and I don’t want you to do that.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Omg! Can I Like this comment, like, 20 times?? 😊💖. I appreciate it *way* more than a simple star/Like can convey. Thank you so very, very much. For your words of encouragement. Words of support. Words of reassurance. Words of raw honesty. Words of feeling. Words of kindness. I treasure every one of those words.

      I would like to reassure you in return 😊. I’m not going away 😊. I probably should have been more specific in my post. Specificity can run yin-yang with me; sometimes I hammer a point into the ground, and other times I accidentally leave everybody guessing. (Oops.). This didn’t happen on WordPress, or even Facebook this time; it was on Twitter. My presence there had been lighter than usual over the past few days, due to circumstances beyond my control. When I checked back in after posting my first blog post yesterday, I was shocked and saddened to find out that I had lost several friends, due to my remaining connected with someone they didn’t like. Unfortunately, this goes back to the conflict on Twitter that I alluded to in a couple of posts in early January. I thought it was over; I thought it was done, and I thought I had weathered the storm, coming out intact. I was doing pretty well until then; I was on an even keel throughout the entire morning. The realization that I lost a few people who had been connected to me threw me into a complete tailspin for the next four hours. It lingered a lot longer, impacting my sleep last night (I only got two hours).

      There’s probably some good that came out of this: I pulled back from Twitter–a lot–for an undetermined amount of time. It’s for the best, really; I was growing weary of the negativity and fixations some people have with picking fights and complaining (I’m generalizing here–a lot; it’s only a part of a mass spectrum of my Twitter experience, but it’s the part that’s relevant to this whole thing).

      The really cool part is that this did not happen on WP; in fact, I’ve only received two trolling flames of hate mail (knock on wood) in all of my personal blogging career (8+ years so far!).

      So as I convert my Twitter self to a low profile, that leaves more time left over on WP (primary) and Facebook (secondary). I definitely won’t stop blogging; in fact, it’s one of the few things that gives me any sense of being appreciated and, even better, feeling connected. I find the Twitter community to be mostly wonderful, but a few can get a bit too dramatic at pot-stirring at times. That can wear on me, and wear me out. So if anything, you’ll see me around WP more often, as well as my Silent Wave Facebook page. 😊. Drama-free, of course. I find the WP community to be much more varied and supportive. Much more balanced, in several different ways.

      Rest assured, because of the past couple of sentences, I feel perfectly comfortable spilling my guts on this blog 😊😊. It’s one of the few places in which I truly get to be me ❤️

      I’ve noticed the mass roller coaster. As I’m into astrology, I wouldn’t be surprised if that has something to do with it (personal opinion here 😊). After all, some of the same elements repeat themselves each year. This may sound incredibly sexist (which is not my intent!) but I’ve also noticed that some of these eruptions have a monthly rhythm, too, and in my field offline, part of what I study and deal with is the interconnection between the hormones and the brain-related biochemicals responsible for mood and thought. (As a biological female, I’ve noticed this a lot in myself, too.) It’s definitely not a misogynistic criticism–just a simple observation with neutral emotion (and nope, I’m definitely not trying to come across as one of those dorks who blames everything on “women’s troubles” or anything like that). Like I mentioned, this happens to me, too! And there’s nothing wrong with it; it just is (or, seems to be). 😊😊

      Gotta get to work and collect my spoons 😊. But I just wanted to respond (with my huge appreciation) to what you wrote ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  8. I joke with my youngest about “anti-social” media, which is more about the strange ways we interact with what’s called “social media”. We both approach it in very different ways. What we have in common is that we both engage in, I guess, “atypical” ways.

    I publish long form posts when I can both bring my thoughts together and have the time. I mentally “compose” or ephemerally “write” many more things than I ever publish because that’s how I organize my thoughts. But I break all the supposed “rules” of blogging and am usually surprised when people actually read what I write. I write mostly for myself, though I choose to put many things out there on the off chance someone else might find it helpful or useful.

    The only other “social media” with which I engage is twitter. The way I engage with it has changed and evolved a lot since 2008 and will likely continue to change over time. I will keep track of a few people with particular focus. But mostly, I just dip in and out of it throughout the day. Some days I’ll engage more than others. I’m aware that I’m often seeing just a piece of something, but since I mostly respond with thoughts spurred by the piece I see, a kind of riff on it, that doesn’t bother me.

    Even on twitter, I edit or discard many of the things I consider saying. In that way, it’s not very different from in person conversations. I am better with the written word than ad hoc verbal expression, though, especially when I try to verbalize something difficult or challenging.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I smiled at the term “antisocial media” – so true! 😊 In terms of your blogging, I’m really glad that you’ve chosen that particular outlet for yourself. It can be extremely constructive and healthy, and I definitely think that holds true for you. I admire your writing skills and I always enjoy your posts. (I know that you weren’t fishing for praise, but I felt that you should know how appreciated your efforts and willingness to put your thoughts out there in the ether for us are, at least for me.) ❤️

      Ok, back to the social media part (lol 😉) – I can relate to your approach. I operate in a similar fashion. I have a few that I remember to check regularly, while others I try to remember but sometimes fall off my radar temporarily, and others that I usually forget to check in on (oops, about that last one!). You’re definitely in the first or second category for sure 😊💓

      I, too, make fairly liberal use of the “Cancel” button lol. I thought about saying something and then decided against it. It might be frivolous or unnecessary. It might get misinterpreted. It might inadvertently contribute to a trigger or a current heated debate. It might offend someone. It might push someone away. Since I’m not all about that, I censor myself a little 😊

      Thank you as always for sharing your thoughts! I enjoy reading them 🌺

      Liked by 2 people

  9. I struggle with social media. On the one hand its pretty much the only way i keep in contact with the small number of friends (term used loosely, more like acquaintances) – none live local, only a handful I see in person and that’s rare when it happens. TBH most of the time I’m fine with that although I do miss having a really good friend I can count on that I see in person. At the same time, I’m aware that most are not what I define as friends (I think I have a stricter definition than most, or expect more), that some add people for numbers, and some that are on my list I find I cant stand a lot of the time but it will cause hassle to get rid of them. If I cut it down to those I deemed a true friend, it would look pretty empty, and thats just depressing. I like being a hermit but dont want total, complete isolation either. And thats without the rest of the minefield you described. I never know how to react to things, any ‘conventional’ reaction seems fake to me. I do wish I could just cut it off entirely and wash my hands of it, but then I would be isolated.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah! I can relate here, too. Thought about giving up Facebook altogether, but it’s how I can keep in touch with people from my past that I like a lot, but we would’ve probably drifted apart otherwise 😊

      I hear you on the hermit-wanting-some-connection, too 🌷. Total isolation sucks 💖

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