Sometimes you have to just pull back, retreat, and turn the world down–or off. Sometimes you need a good reset. Sometimes we get caught up in the daily drama, especially online. Stuff like who’s followed whom, who didn’t I follow back fast enough, what conversations/tweets/status updates I missed, who haven’t I checked in on or interacted with in too long, which messages I thought I replied to but didn’t, who got all stirred up about what. The endless newsfeeds and timelines, the constant notifications, the Neverending keeping up. Sometimes it’s hard to…well, keep up.
My head was becoming a pretzel and I was getting overrun with guilt, conflict, polarizing vibes, and rejection.
I know, I know–first world problems and all that. Not too long ago, I would’ve killed or at least maimed for such a flourishing social life, “even just” online.
And please, please don’t get me wrong; I love everyone I interact with. Yes, I really do. I appreciate being acknowledged, and accepted, and even embraced, for who I truly am. I’ve been utterly and delightfully amazed at the outpouring of support I have received. I’ve been thawed out and warmed up by those who have reached out to me and formed bonds with me. That’s not what I’m talking about pulling back from. In fact, people like you are the reason I’m still here and won’t go away.
I’m talking about the rest of–and the BS within–parts of the scene. The fluff, the details, the baggage. It’s partially my responsibility, because I allowed it to happen, and I allowed the boundaries and balance to blur and fuzz together. Some people have also changed (drastically, without much warning), and I can’t do anything about that.
I’ve gone through two? Three? Four? divorces between friends, and as I process the initial ache from the concept of being rejected and cast out, I’m starting to think that it might have been for the best. After all, the world can be a tragic and brutal place at times; who needs more negativity? Some people might, but I’m not one of them, by default. I’m subject to my own spectrum of ups and downs like anyone else, and these may take their sweet time in processing, and sometimes I don’t have the good sense to shut up when I’m feeling this way…but maybe that’s for the best, too.
After all, it would probably be dishonest of me to sugarcoat my life and paint only a shiny happy image. That would be like the supermodels who look so stunning in the lipstick ad, but when you peel back the lighting and press the undo button on the airbrushing software, there’s an ordinary person behind the facade. People have gotten increasingly skeptical about fashion in general, once the airbrush cat escaped from the bag. People stopped trying (as much, as tirelessly) to emulate those perfect people, because they didn’t even actually exist! The public is justifiably in a state of backlash against the fashion and advertising industries over having been betrayed and misled for decades. Well, I’m not going to do that to you. I’m chronicling real life, where there is good, bad, and everything in between.
So, I’m taking some mental health actions. Not a break from this blog, of course (!)–rather, mostly from Twitter. I had let myself get too entrenched, and that’s my responsibility. I’ll own that. I hung too large a hat on who had disconnected from me when and over what issue. I’m going to be friends with whoever is left over, and thankfully that’s dang near everybody. I might even go through and do a mass spring cleaning. Spring is here for us already, and it will be upon the rest of the world soon enough.
Today, I took some proactive steps. I set my tweets to private. Unfortunately, that means that no one can share/retweet the blog posts, which really sucks because the whole point of starting the Twitter account was to make friends in the community and get this blog out there so that it could help more people.
I guess that by posting this, I’m probably not really helping anyone tonight. I’m sorry about that. Maybe I’m only helping myself. I think I’ve gone into a steeled self-preservation mode. Maybe I’ll block the few offenders so that I can unlock my tweets and go public again. We’ll see.
For now, I have to do what I have to do. I’m simply being me, and I realize that some people don’t like that. I guess you can’t please everybody, and I’m no different. Shit happens. I’ll be OK, thanks to all of the awesome people who have reached out to me with love, concern, support, and encouragement. I wish I could hug them infinitely (if they like hugs, of course)! They’ve been my sunshine and lifeline. They’ve brightened my skies and thawed out my spirit, preventing a Deep Freeze.
For that, I am thankful. I will recover. And I’m not going away. I’m a stubborn chick when I need to be, and the world ain’t going to get rid of me that easily. 🙂 ❤