Stagnating, hesitating, and contemplating

I’m having a tough time getting motivated today.  It’s like approaching an escalator that’s moving at a palatable speed, but not quite being able to find the right place or time to take the step required to get on.

It’s like my brain is misted over, underwater–foggy and stagnant.  Everywhere I turn, there seems to be only fog and stagnation.

That’s not news, really.  It’s been like that, more or less, for quite a while now.  If it’s not one thing, it’s another.  The latest is a condition of hypoxia, or low oxygen levels in the blood.  My brain is in a sustained state of reduced metabolism.

Before the hypoxia issue had arisen, my brain’s Enemy No. 1 was the sheer stress, stress that’s as intense as an adrenaline rush, but remains, sustained, for years and years.  Throughout my life, I’ve traded one type of stress in for another.  I can honestly say that I don’t know what life would be like without severe, prolonged stress.  I’ve never felt un-stressed.

I don’t know what it’s like to not feel stressed, save for a few glimpses obtained through manipulated environments, such as the weight of a therapeutic/weighted blanket or the haze induced by over-the-counter anti-histamine medication.

Some days I can handle it better than I can on other days.  I guess today is just one of those in which I feel on less-solid ground.

Or, if I take a wider-angle view, I can begin to make out the very likely possibility that this brain-sludge has been creeping in for some time.  Like a poly-microbial biofilm, the kind that insidiously forms on lunch meat that’s been in the refrigerator too long but hasn’t begun to spoil in earnest yet.

Maybe that’s why my posts have been weighted mostly in favor of the nonfictional realm.  It’s easier to write about.  Fact is fact.  Opinion is opinion, and for me, my opinions are fact.  Not the opinions themselves–I realize they’re my opinions–but it’s easy for me to state them because the fact that they are my opinions is indeed a fact.

My experiences, as seen through my lens, are also fact (for me).  The same goes for the information I’ve come across.

I get frustrated with my brain fairly frequently, because it can’t go on the creative and ethereal tangents and string together unusual combinations of the perfectly descriptive words like it used to.

Other people might not notice the limitations.  (At least, I hope not.)

But I do.

I feel the limitations intuitively because I know how it used to be.  I know how my brain used to work.  It used to make leaps and skipturns and pirouettes easily and without restraint or hesitation.  Although I feel a sense of self-confidence since my Asperger’s/autism discovery, I also feel that, in a process unrelated to my spectrum realization, I’ve also lost a different type of confidence: the confidence that comes with mental agility.  An agility that I’ve lost and am not sure if I’ll ever find it again.

Now, I hesitate.  I doubt.  I struggle to think of the right words.  I struggle to remember.  I struggle to imagine what my mentally-agile younger self would have said, how it would have described “this” or taken “that” linguistic scenic road.

And if I hesitate long enough, I might not even take the step.  Sometimes, I give up before starting out.  I decide, “not today”.  I decline, “not that way”.

And the very strategies I use to try to remedy the situation only make it worse, especially in the long run.  Being outside, among nature, basking in the elements, should be rejuvenating and inspirational and rebalancing.  But not in the way that I do it.

My brain feels sloppy and wobbly, like a child in the early stages of learning to ride a bike for the first time.  Nothing seems quite right, and the tiniest micro-movement could knock me off my tentative, temporary balance.

I suppose it doesn’t help that I know that my writing and tweeting and such are seen by a lot of people, a tiny minority (whom I’ll refer to as The Particular People) of whom have been quick to jump on me (and other people in a boat similar to mine) (not nearly so much here on WordPress, but mostly on social media) for using one “wrong” (extremely common) word here and there, thus negating the message I was trying to convey, the one word standing out like a camera overexposure, obliterating everything else that was supposed to be in what was otherwise supposed to be a cool picture.

Don’t get me wrong; the whole point of starting this blog was to accomplish exactly what it has: 1) to be seen by many so that others could be helped and comforted in the same way the blogs I found early on comforted me, and 2) to meet lots of really awesome people.

I’m beyond blessed to be able to say that I’ve been given both.

But as we all know, you can’t please everybody.  No human being is perfect, and that includes me.  Especially since, in the grand scheme of things, I’m still one of the newer kids on the block.  I’m still pretty green.

Those people (The Particular People) are a lot more experienced and well-versed in the disability and anti-ableism movements than I am.  I haven’t yet fully grasped the culture, norms, unwritten rules, and lingo of those movements.  I’m not sure I ever will.  I’m trying to figure out if the benefits of going full-bore, engine-redlining-passionate are worth the immense time and energy.

And what do you do when you can’t fully identify with the concept of (my own) Asperger’s/autism being a disability (for me) in the first place?  I might perceive my own status that way maybe 1/3 of the time, which means that a majority of my time is spent confused and, once again, lacking the intuitive knowledge and having to resort to processing everything through my prefrontal cortex, much like I would when interacting with the neurotypical world.

The thoughts of objection and rejection make me hesitate that much more.  On the one hand, I want to say what I’ve learned to say toward the more-ignorant of the neurotypcial population: “screw ‘em”.  But on the other hand, I have good friends in the Asperger’s/autism community, some of whom can identify with those other Particular People, and often interact with them.  The jury is out about whether certain individuals within some of these groups are my New People, but I do know that I can’t exactly afford to start writing people off en masse on social media, because I might paint with too broad a brush.

It seems as though I’m often painting with too broad a brush.  No matter how fine I try to make my strokes, no matter how I try to angle the brush to maneuver around “this” or avoid hitting “that”, I seem to collide with something or someone.

That’s also probably why my writing contains so many disclaimers.  Anyone who’s been following/reading this blog for any length of time knows that my heart and head are in the right place.  As compromised as my cognition might currently be, and as jagged as my heart can get sometimes, the vast majority of my lovelies reading this know for a fact that I try to be a sweetheart, almost to a fault.

The disclaimers that preface and litter the opening lines of much of my writing are written for the benefit of those dropping in, who are less familiar with who I am, who might be quick to misunderstand something or to take something out of context, who click on a link to the post via social media, skim through the post, and begin to form premature assumptions about who I am based on a single word, paragraph, or post.

Human beings as a whole are much more complex than that.  And in that respect, I’m no different.

To be clear (here we go again with disclaimers lol), this is not directed toward any of the awesome regular peeps on here.  I don’t want anyone to feel as though they should censor themselves, because if I inadvertently cause that by writing what I’m writing today, then I’ve only spread my own predicament.

Predicaments can become contagious.

So, I don’t want that.  I adamantly desire to create a free, mostly-uncensored, Safe Space.  It can be tricky addressing one particular tiny and specific sliver of people within spectrums of spectrums and layers and layers of people.  The natural instinct upon reading something is to begin to ask oneself, “is she referring to me?”  And if you’ve read more than two posts on here, you can be assured that it is not you to whom I’m referring when I describe the over-sensitive, over-critical people above.

Indeed, there are several factors contributing to my inertia.  Executive Function issues also play a huge role.  Probably so does the Qi stagnation my acupuncturist says I have, the lineup of the stars (Mercury retrograde and all), and the tropically damp, cloudy scenery outside that makes me want to hibernate.

It’s days like this where I simply do my best, and hope for the best.  I may give every ounce of effort I have, and it might only be “good enough”.

It’s days like this where I really do feel a bit more disabled than usual.  It’s days like this when I might “look ‘normal’”, but my internal world tells an entirely different story.

It’s days like this where I try to remember that the only way around it is through it, put one foot in front of the other, and trudge on.

Today isn’t exactly the “downer” day that it probably sounds like.  I’m just contemplating, deeply and semi-wildly and probably over-sensitively like I frequently do, and today, the thought-train thrust into a dimmer tunnel.  That’s OK; “dimmer” doesn’t mean “impossible”.  It doesn’t even have to mean “depressed”.

“Dim” is OK sometimes.  If we don’t know dim, how can we know bright?

And besides – there’s always been another end of my tunnels, where the bright light returns again.

Just not today. 🙂


Related Posts:

Failing At Asperger’s / Autism…? ~ September 24, 2016

Asperger’s / Autism and the Conundrums of Honesty, Bluntness, Diplomacy, and Lying ~ March 2, 2017

Asperger’s / Autism and Depression ~ From My Perspective ~ October 19, 2016

Building a Depression Survival Go-To Kit [Mental Health Monday] ~ February 6, 2017

 

 

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29 Comments

  1. Understand, my friend. I experience both the stress and the fog a lot. It can be disconcerting, but I sometimes think the fog can be a necessary letdown to our overworked brains. Or, at least, for me, it often proves true. As to particular people-I admit I have stayed on the fringes of many discussions and often find myself pulling back from saying much for fear of certain groups that might misunderstand me or make assumptions. I can be very much a lone wolf as a result. But, terribly glad you are here. I welcome all your posts and relate a great deal to them. Please know I am thinking of you and hoping you are well. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, my lovely! 😘. I think you’re really onto something, with the Overworked Brains part! And especially the Lone Wolf staying on the outer perimeter of many discussions as well 💞. I truly value people like you and the other commenters on here. All y’all are too amazingly awesome for words – words don’t do y’all the justice you deserve, and maybe that’s why I use so dang many emojis lol 😂😉❤️

      Thank you also for the well wishes! Likewise, dear friend 😘🌷🌺🌹

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love your posts, disclaimers and all. You’re giving me one possible window into my daughter’s brain, and where she hasn’t been formally diagnosed, with every passing day it makes more sense. I have to admit that my knowledge is so limited, and you’re helping me learn. Even if your brain feels foggy, your words don’t seem to reflect that.

    Online communication can challenge, for sure. And when you have people that are happy to find drama, there’s no pleasing them. Regardless, it hurts to have your words misconstrued and jumped all over.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You’re too kind, my lovely! ❤️. And what you said about social media communication is so true 👏🏼👏🏼. I finally had to pull back from Twitter (quite a bit), because although I love love love so many people on there, there were others who I like just fine but may have had histories that resulted in (perfectly legit) extra-sensitivity, which of course I had no way of knowing about; then toss in the 140-character limit and limited time and energy on my end to explain, and poof! Disaster ensues 😖😉❤️

      There have been, I’m lucky to say, only a handful of trolls on here; of course, their comments were either deleted outright or they were deleted after the person crossed the line (some of y’all may remember a couple of those characters; I have since banned their email and IP addresses, not because they disagreed (I’m cool with that), but because I *really* want to guard against this blog being anything less than inviting or safe for Asperger’s/autistic peeps and our supporters 💖

      Thank you so kindly for your encouraging words! I really needed that today 😊❤️. They totally made me smile; thank you for that, too 💖😉💞

      Like

  3. I’ve been in bed for two days dude. I’m on serious overload! Whole lot of family drama (minor, like gnats in your face) Ben is on spring break, blah blah blah…😖 My brain is blinking an *error* message & my body is pulsing red lights of pain. So I’m taking it easy (trying) and I command/order/suggest/invite (???) you to take it easy too😘🌴🌻☯🌸💫💞
    And Twitter, there are some ruthless peeps just looking for a fight. There are also some wonderful, kind peeps. I approach with caution👍Forget the meanie poo poo heads! They aren’t worth your time💖💜💃😘😍🌹😎

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Omg girl I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been caught in a shizz storm lately 💐😰💐😘💞. Sending you major love and energy!! So flappy happy that you’re taking care of You 👍🏼💞

      You’re so awesome 😘❤️💖. Thank you for looking out for me, girlfriend! 👍🏼💪🏼🌹. I will honor your advice by taking it gratefully 🙌🏼

      Yeah I think I’m still processing the Wild One that we saw on here a couple of days ago, and not too long after that, a couple people (unrelated to each other and the other person we saw) had wandered over from a social media outlet and piped up a short lecture about something I said that got misconstrued. The silly thing is, both of these things happened a little while ago, and of course, on the outside it looks like I can’t let things go. But my personality is very much the “move on, better things to do” kind, but then my layers of processing get in the way and yank me back to mentally hash it over some more. And then I start writing, which is good catharsis, but then I don’t have the good sense not to hit the publish button lol 😂. But then I thought, “meh, screw it; it might help someone. I can’t be rah-rah ALL the time, or I’m just masking again, to an extent. Someone might really need this.” So I left it up 😊❤️

      Get good sleep girl! I hope you feel awesome in the morning 😘💞

      Liked by 2 people

        1. Hell yeah, dude 😘😘. You’re absolutely welcome; I wouldn’t have that any other way. And it’s infinite, my lovely 😍🌷💐🌷💖💞💜🤗

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for creating a safe and judgment free space. I don’t always relate to your experience or agree with your insight BUT I respect your opinion and admire your honesty. It is OK to disagree without being rude and shut your mouth up but you’ll find some people have trouble with the latter. I wouldn’t give them further attention although it does make me want to sing, “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you….” 😉 sorry, my mind thinks in lyrics 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Absolutely! 😊❤️. I’m totally cool with disagreement and it’s totally true that not everyone will be able to relate to each other; we’re all quite different after all! And I realize that I’m often a minority within a minority in many ways. I totally appreciate your respect and admiration, and trust me, it’s very mutual! I love the song reference! 💪🏼👍🏼😂😉💖

      Like

  5. All of this sounds very familiar to me, especially “The thoughts of objection and rejection make me hesitate that much more.” Which is close to something I was expressing to you very recently. I wish I had answers and solutions for both of us, but I think we just keep on keeping on and hope for the best.

    As to your brain/thinking issues you mention at the top of the post, have you ever tried meditation? Its not a cure all, but it has helped me focus and center myself a lot better than I used to. Just a thought 🙂

    Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your support, my friend 😘❤️. Yep, I remember that convo 🌷. I wish I could say I have answers, but I think you expressed it best – we just keep on keeping on. Maybe we’re building good karma or satisfying some not-so-good karma by dealing with our challenges (?) 😊

      I wish I could do some kind of meds, but my body does not respond well. I’ve been on a couple types of meds before and they just didn’t do it for me. I’ll have to find other ways to access my center, I guess 💓. I’ll figure something out; I usually do; it just takes a while 😊. I’m so glad that that approach is working for you though! You’re right, it’s not a cure-all but it does make things easier! 💪🏼🌟. The important part is to do what works for you 🌺.

      In case it helps anyone, I go for acupuncture when my life gets this way and it might sound kooky but it does work for me pretty well! Just like with any therapeutic approach, even conventional meds and stuff, it has to be the right combo for the person and their current issues. I do have the luxury of having an in-house acupuncturist; my partner is a doctor who also does acupuncture 🤗. So we can experiment with treatments and see what will work for me on a certain day. Sometimes a combo of acupuncture points that worked wonders one day may not work as well the next. But that just keeps things interesting lol 😂💞

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmm I think you mayhave misunderstood.. I didn’t mean medication (meds) but meditation. Meditating actually helped me get off of some medications (antidepressants) that had side effects I didn’t like. I’ve never tried acupuncture, but will keep it in mind 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Whoops! Yep, chock that one up to a reading comprehension fail on my part! So sorry brother! 😳💐💞. That’s awesome that you did that (used meditation that way) 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. I’m actually fixing to bring myself through a huge overhaul, and meditation is on the list 💓💓

          Liked by 1 person

          1. No worries 🙂 If you need/want any tips or advice regarding meditating, please feel free to ask. I’m not an expert, but I researched a lot (as I’m sure you can imagine) and I know some people who know much more than I do. Anything I can do to help 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

          2. Sure! 🤗. Thank you so much for your offer! I’d love to know anything you’re willing/able/have energy to share 👍🏼😊💖

            Liked by 1 person

  6. Yeah, I have to say that writing nonfiction is waaay easier than writing fiction no matter how many times I really wanna write in that genre. It’s nonfiction is something I am inherently more familiar with than creating a new character or plot.
    But don’t be hard on yourself. I have myself have days when I feel I have complete reign over my own brain….then, anxiety and depression strike again. Still be good to yourself, because it always helps you regain your footing (as so to speak) once again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hear, hear! 👏🏽👏🏽. Thank you so much for your encouraging words, my lovely! So relieved to know that we’re not alone 💞💞

      Liked by 1 person

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