I had every intention of diving straight into my work projects this morning. And truthfully, I know that I will.
But work will have to wait.
Because something inside me said, just stop for a minute. And I’ve learned to listen when that something inside speaks.
I’m not sure what prompted this. I’m not sure what my point is, or what it will be, or even if I have one.
I don’t even exactly have the most compelling thought, scratching at my seams to be released into the cyber-ether. Thoughts today are misty, much like the sky outside, and the air that goes with it. Maybe they’ll condense into something definitive. Or maybe they won’t.
Or maybe they’re better described as butterflies. Doing what butterflies do. After all, they’re distracting and fluttering, sometimes beautiful and sometimes not.
It’s times like these when I do my deepest soul-searching. Today, the theme is acceptance, I think. I would like to find my place in the world. I would like not, however, to feel as though I have to work as hard as everyone else to do it.
I would like a little room. I would like the world to make a little room for me. I promise not to take up too much space. I promise I won’t get in the way. I’ll try not to bump into anyone or step on anyone’s toes.
I would like a little space from the world. Space to be me, without pathology. Labels are OK, but only when understood correctly, within the proper context, without judgment, without condemnation, without assumptions.
I would like to be valued for who I am and what I do, not necessarily how well I conform. I don’t want to be praised for my sameness or mediocrity. I don’t want to be judged by how well I fit into a mould that I had no hand in building.
I listen to the traffic on a nearby street. It’s a busy street, full of busy people with busy schedules and busy minds. Sometimes, I drive down that street, too. And for a moment, I am “successfully” camouflaged. No one knows that that’s an Aspergian/autistic person behind the wheel. That’s OK. I’m OK with blending in when I need to.
I’m also OK with being alone, more often than would be satisfactory for most.
Funny I should say that, as just now, a friend just texted my partner and me, asking if we want to meet them for lunch someplace. We really don’t have the money to go out for lunch. Nor do we really have the time. Practicalities aside, do I have the energy? Do I have enough resilience today to land myself in a restaurant where I know we won’t be the only people inside? Can I handle the noise of the room, the draft of the ceiling fans, the temperature at which the place will be set, the nakedness of a table in the middle of the open or the confines of a booth along the side?
The “should”s kick in. We really should meet them for lunch. I really should get out more in general. I really have no universally-understandable reason not to say yes. We don’t get the opportunity to go out with these friends much anymore, as we’re all mutually busy people. I do feel quite comfortable with them; my mask can be quite thin without earning looks of perplexity and disapproval. They accept us for who we are, complete with my mismatched clothes and undone hair. The coolest part is: They actually thought of us; they are asking us for our company (!). They want us in their company! That “us” includes me (!).
I might as well say yes. Bustling lunchtime restaurant and all. I feel like The Little Train That Could; I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
Who knows if I actually can? But hey, I’m going to try. How will I know if I can, if I don’t? I would need to be lower in my battery levels to justify saying no.
Work will have to wait a little bit longer. 🙂