Are Asperger’s / autistic people bossy?

As most bloggers are aware, Google encrypts keyword searches, and has been doing so since 2013.  “User protection” makes for a flimsy claim, but it’s Google’s story and they’re sticking to it.  Which might have been halfway believable if it didn’t also extend to users who weren’t even logged in.  But I digress.

Nevertheless, I see keyword search strings from other search engines, and the words “Asperger’s” and “bossy” have shown up in relation to each other.  Apparently, curious minds want to know.

So, I’ll deliver, at least one (that’s me) person’s take (because although practically every well-recognized informative source talks about Asperger’s/autism in terms of “we/us”, there’s an unwritten rule somewhere against my doing that, even if I’ve issued the applicable disclaimers that hardly anyone else feels the need to, but ah hell, I digress again lol.

(Maybe the heat, humidity, and sheer absence of breeze have really gotten to me today.  And even though I’m loaded down with two types of bug-repelling essential oil, I must keep walking the entire time I write this on my mobile, lest I add to the two dozen new mosquito bites I’ve sustained in the past 24 hours.  It’s enough to make one touchy.  But it’s that or stay inside and listen to the cat meow (literally) 100 more times for stuff I’ve already given him.  And–I’ll shut up now.  Because Digressing!)

Where was I?  Oh yeah–bossy!  Well this sure as shizz is an aptly spitfire topic now, isn’t it?

I’ve had my share of being on the receiving end of The Bossy Accusation.

I’m going to make my defenses pretty short and sweet.  (As long as I also get accused by the world at large for being “too blunt”, then might as well give the accusers “something to (figuratively) ‘cry’ about”.  (Ya know?)

If I’m coming across as “bossy”…

In some cases, I really am right, and I happen to know it.  This isn’t true all the time, but sometimes I get lucky, and in comparison to the common-denominating average, empirical data shows my odds of being correct are slightly higher than the average bear.  (Don’t worry, yours probably are too!). And although that sounds like massively sociopathic grandiose ego talking, it’s not; it’s simply my perception of weighing in commentary and thinking up potential solutions and strategies and whatnot, and the utter cluelessness of the Kim K/Kanye West-obsessed average American. Or, I might think more logically and faster than my loved ones at times.  So, sometimes I’m being semi-authoritative, but sometimes it’s because I’m right.  (Which has only recently begun to be recognized, so it was more than a bit of a sore spot for quite a while.)

Sometimes, the world at large is simply too oversensitive, and I’m not actually being bossy at all, but some might think I am.  Some segments of the world have a slight oppositional-defiant flair to them, where any hint of suggestion might be interpreted as a tyrant’s executive order, during a time of martial law.

Sometimes I may be bossy and it stems much less from some egomaniacal desire (which it hardly ever would be anyway) and much more of an anxiety-based tension, created by some variable, an Unknown in a challenging equation, something that has me feeling compelled to nail down a few details and convert a few Unknowns into Knowns, for my own peace of mind.

I can’t really think of a whole lot of other possibilities at the moment but if I do, I’ll either add to this post, or create the “Part 2″sequel that y’all have come to love (or not lol).  Either way, I won’t remain too silent. 😉

I can vehemently say that any air of bossiness (or the mere perception thereof because let’s face it; communication takes two) does not, for me, stem from any desire to be king/queen/dictator, nor is it an egotistic megalomania, nor is it a sociopathic narcissism, borderline or bipolar tendency, or any overblown, overinflated, melodramatic, or overplayed anything.

If anything, it comes from a humble logic mixed with fear, uncertainty, and self-consciousness, increasingly tinged with frustration at the absurdity of the ruling common denominator.  And even then, the latter applies only insofar as it adversely impacts, inconveniences, harms, limits, or costs me in some (very undesirable) way.

I do not generally wish to exert or assert my will over anyone else’s.  Hell, I would rather remain relatively unknown to the world.  I’m not itching to see my name blazing in Marquee lights.  I’d rather quietly and simply live and let live, so long as no one is impacted negatively in the process.  Unless another strategy is warranted, I’d rather speak with a whisper, walk with no footprint, and leave the world the same as–or better than–I found it.

There is so much that I would attempt to instill and encourage in the world, but I don’t expect anyone to listen, and for the most part, that’s fine.

Part of me does want to leave a slightly more significant impression, speak with–perhaps not a louder voice, but a more solid one, fortified with more confidence.

But that isn’t the same as being bossy.  Only in a world absent logic would a little more confidence or healthy strength (or at least an absence of weakness and meekness) be considered “bossy”.  🙂


(Image Credit: Cyril Rolando)


  1. From my NT experiences with folks on the spectrum I’d say that any “bossiness” comes from either, complete knowledge of the subject matter offering a correction, or us NT people doing or saying something the “wrong” way😖. That’s very general obviously and only applies to my personal experiences. YMMV.😏 I’m sure there *are* some bossy ASD folks. They are after all humans so they come in all varieties. You my dearest dude have never come across as bossy.😘😍💞🌸🌴🌻😎

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Absolutely! You’re spot-on, my lovely! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. My experiences are similar to the way I understand yours 😁🌺. All varieties indeed! 👊🏼. Thank you for your encouraging and reassuring words, sister! 💪🏼💙. “Dearest dude” I love this!!! 😍😍😍😘❤️🌟🐛🐚🌴🍀🌺

      Liked by 2 people

    2. “any “bossiness” comes from either, complete knowledge of the subject matter offering a correction, or us NT people doing or saying something the “wrong” way”

      Bingo, granny 💐🏆🖖

      Liked by 2 people

  2. “””From my NT experiences with folks on the spectrum I’d say that any “bossiness” comes from either, complete knowledge of the subject matter offering a correction, or us NT people doing or saying something the “wrong” way””” (python-style quoting so i didnt have to change ” to ‘)

    nds build with facts like others build with legos. we are good at combining factual data into mega-facts or meta-facts. its true that like anyone else we are capable of mistakes, overgeneralisations, logical fallacies and distraction, but this is beside the point that we are pretty notably good with facts– that makes us sound like know it alls.

    we can be black-and-white sometimes, and state many things very matter-of-factly, which is a mark of bossiness. “this is how it is” or “this is how it ought to be” are the kinds of statements we tend to make, even if its phrased in another way. id go so far as to say we *can be* bossy, but that too isnt the point im trying to make– we can easily be perceived as bossy when we really dont intend it (and if you arent intending to boss people around, is it truly bossy or just a misunderstanding?) and being over-perceived as “bossy” very literally means that we arent as bossy as people think.

    add to that our needs that other people assume are just us being “picky” (its too bright– “oh, youre so picky.” no, its just REALLY REALLY bright! and loud) and the stage is perfectly set for a misunderstanding, or several. one of the nicest things about people learning more about asd is simply this– there will be fewer of these misunderstandings. when a child is hungry and cries it could be perceived as a demand, but ultimately the child is just communicating that theyre hungry and dont know what to do.

    conflating distress with simply being demanding is part of the societal condition, and not limited to people with asd. yes, people can be demanding when theyre distressed, the two are not mutually exclusive– but a better understanding of distress that most people dont have (including most nds i think) would still reduce these misunderstandings, like a parent that hears wailing (just as a more intense example of course) and realizes that food isnt merely about placating or appeasing of a desire, but a sincere effort to communicate an actual need. (or, in a word: “sometimes!”)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Omg THIS, so hard! You make so many awesome points that I don’t know where to start but let’s just say that I agree wholeheartedly with all of it! Thank you for putting into words what I was having a clunky time expressing 😉😘💞💙👊🏼

      Liked by 1 person

  3. another way to say that is that anything not understood on the receiving end as a real need falls automatically into the “demand” category– and the actual needs of aspies for example, are hardly known to most people.

    “who are these people that choose to use wheelchairs instead of their own two legs, and why do they insist on ramps– are they just too good for stairs?”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve never thought of myself as being bossy but I do need to be in control so perhaps that need to understand everything and take charge in order that I maintain that control, comes across as bossiness.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ooh yes, the “being bossy” vs “being right and giving a damn” really does suck! I ration it these days by giving less of a damn whenever I can :p

    Liked by 2 people

  6. If being bossy means not letting the complaining crowd run under a bus, or off a cliff, yep, I’m bossy. And they’re welcome 👾👽🖖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oooh! You know, I’ve never watched the show, but it’s starting to make me grin how many of the “right” people mention it to me. I probably (totally) *should* watch it 😉😁👍🏼❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Probably?
        When the assessing psychiatrist asked which is my favourite film, I replied nearly offended: “Big Bang Theory, of course!!!”
        What a question… 😉

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Sheldon is a typical High Functioning Autistic, textbook quality. He is oftentimes misidentified as Asper, but according to his own account he had language delay as a child which is the divide for HFAs. He seems bossy because according to his logic, he is right. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I totally do need to get into that show 👍🏼. Does past its prime mean that the more recent seasons aren’t as good, or just that it’s not as popular as it was?

        (Either way I can deal; I got into X-Files in earnest in 2014 lol. I didn’t find House MD until 2008-2009. Didn’t know about Family Guy until 2009, either. Apparently the god(dess)s above wanted me to pass med school lol) 🌷💞

        Liked by 1 person

  7. The show is now a little past its prime. But it made “nerds” three-dimensional. Simply by using humor, it managed to overcome some of the bias society seems to have against those who are not beauty queens or football stars. The episodes where Sheldon gives Penny bath soap for Christmas, and where Leonard speaks at a high school commencement are two of my favorites. Hope you like the show!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I’m not bossy, and I never was – it’s another one of those nonsensical “you can’t be autistic then” sticks I like to beat myself up with. I’ve come across “bossy” in descriptions of little autistic girls, who want to control play and treat others as some sort of underling. This of course stems from a need for control, but comes across as bossy. I was never like that, I always went along with what others suggested and was never able to impose my will on others. But apparently there is a type of compliant autistic little girl as well, so…(I get this knowledge mainly from Tony Attwood’s book, btw.)
    As for BBT, I like the show. I prefer the early seasons before they all started pairing up, but yeah, go for it and see how you like it. There’s quite a bit of debate whether Sheldon is autistic or not. It’s a bit worrying if you think people look at him and think “aha, that’s what Aspies are like”. Personally, I don’t care if he is. He is what he is, and it’s very funny. In real life he would be super-annoying to know, but then so would House, I think. On television it’s great entertainment, and Sheldon is one of my favourite characters.
    (Sorry, no emojis, app still out of action)

    Liked by 1 person

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