The darkest recesses

(Content Warning: hints at suicidal ideation)

This is one of those times when you can judge a book by its cover–or in this case, a post by its title.  The moment does not carry a vibe of jubilee.  Part of me is apologetic; the other part of me says, meh.  This is the yin to my yang; by showing you this, I show you all of me.

All I know is that it’s dark.  I don’t even know if it’s depression.  I’ve always considered myself to be a fairly even-keeled person, resisting the embrace of the highs so that I might be spared the lows.

Most of the time, that strategy has worked for me.  Every so often, however, an unseen darkness sneaks up behind me and grabs me around the shoulders and neck, before I have the chance to scream.

Usually, it’s not even one pin-pointy, identifiable tentacle, like a scorpion’s tail; it’s more of a murky, vague ache originating from multiple sources, that settles in when I’m most vulnerable.

And I have indeed been vulnerable.

I’m given the play-by-play of my aunt’s inevitable passing, and I’m detecting what I can only explain as my mother’s pain as it happens, for this is her only sister.

And I’m not even dealing with my true mother.  The essence of what she was seems to have died in the car wreck; she has not been the same after that horror.  She suffered mild brain damage, just enough to rob her of her youth and innocence, and some of her memory and reason, taking it away from her…and from me.

That gets lonely sometimes.

I’m reminded every few hours that my cervical (neck) disc is still severely herniated, as the pain creeps in and winds its way into my shoulder and arm, and that I must take something for it so that I can feel like something that resembles me for a while.  I dread the evenings because that’s when, inexplicably, the pain sets in the most and I can do the least for myself.

I’m reminded then of the surgery I will most likely need, the scariness of going under the knife again, the uncertainty of what life will be like on the other side of it, the Undo button I cannot press if I end up unhappy with the results.

And then there’s the fact that I am one of those Americans who remain uninsured.  Unfortunately, the so-called Affordable Care Act didn’t help everyone.  It did, however, drive up health insurance premiums to levels I can’t reach, because it required me to purchase coverage I’ll never use, just as I was beginning to think I might be able to afford a major medical/catastrophic plan.

Which then reminds me of our financial situation.  We’re maxed out.  We can’t seem to get ahead.  I’ll be putting said surgery on a credit card and hoping to pay it off before I die.  Credit cards can become like mortgages, but without building any equity.  I should know.

There’s so much I had to forgo; we thought we might have a house again, since we live in a semi-affordable area.  But that didn’t happen.  I really need counseling for the two types of PTSD, and thought last year that I may be able to start care in January.  It’s June.  Maybe I can shoot for next January.  Maybe then I could sleep.

The apartment is too small; it’s in shambles because there’s no space to put anything.  The rent we pay, however, is more than our previous house payment.  We even fork over extra every month for a garage space.  It’s all full.  And it’s chaotic and overwhelming to live in.  And there’s no money left over for an extra storage rental.

When did life get so complicated?  With my loved ones dropping one by one, what’s the world going to come to look like as they disappear?  Where is the way out of the conundrums I feel so stuck in?  Why do tears have to sting and burn?

Believe me when I say that I’m still here because I make the decision to be.  If I wanted to leave this life, I know exactly how I would do it.  It’s painless.  And it’s a sure thing.

And believe me when I say that if the end came for me a little sooner than expected, I also wouldn’t fight it.  I wouldn’t be angry, and I wouldn’t be scared.

I’m not quite 40, but I’m tired.

I’m tired of trying to adjust to a world that doesn’t make sense.  I’m tired of trying to accommodate a world that doesn’t bend or give back.  I’m tired of being expected to know exactly what to say or do.  I’m tired of grief and pain.  I’m tired of curveballs and games.  I’m tired of being stonewalled by fate, never quite able to get ahead, despite my brains and effort and energy.  I’m tired of the medical mysteries my body and brain seem to derive great joy in tossing into my path.  I’m tired of taking pills every day just to try and deal with various issues.  I’m tired of being awake at night.  I’m tired of dealing with bitching at work or drama on social media (the latter of which I’ve minimized, but it still rears up every so often).  I make juvenile body sounds because sometimes it’s the only way I can laugh.

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Oddly enough, I don’t usually consider myself a depressed person.  But then I start to wonder…

Is it a rip-roaring case of alexithymia, where I’m feeling something (like depression, for instance) but don’t realize it?

Am I masking so well that I’m masking myself to myself?

Do I get so hyperfocused on my interests and projects that I’m successfully able to blot out the darkness that might otherwise overtake me?

I’m not sure of anything.  Except maybe that I don’t handle change well.  I don’t handle stress well.  Little things that may or may not seem like much on their own add up occasionally and bite me in the arse.

I also know that my life is a giant semicolon; it ain’t over till it’s over.  But when it’s over, I will go quietly.  I will make no fuss.  I won’t struggle or resist.

Until then, I have one day at a time.  I’ll put one foot in front of the other, if that’s what it takes.

Part of me says, don’t mind me; I’m just having one of Those Times.  Part of me says, yeah but this never really goes away.  Part of me feels guilty for saddling others with this burden, the burden of my own pain that is really mine to bear and no one else’s; others have their own pain.

But another part of me reminds myself that everything happens for a reason, and, as with other posts, there might be someone who needs to read this and know that they’re not alone.  There might be people who need to know I’m real, and not just a shiny, Happy Aspie all the time.  That part of me says, publish.

I’m still here.

***

(Image Credit: Danijel – header; Angelique Blanpain – angel; footer unknown)

105 Comments

  1. You should never apologize for how you feel. Ever. I know society thinks people who aren’t delusional Pollyanna happy-go-lucky all the time have something wrong with them but fuck those assholes. You are allowed to be sad, you’re allowed to be depressed and dare I say it you’re allowed to commit suicide if you so choose and I don’t think the state has any place forcing people to stay alive against their wills.

    In a way I feel the same way: stuck in a rut and seemingly with no way out. I feel like shit right now too and constantly fantasize about dying. When Roland Orzabal wrote and Curt Smith (and later Gary Jules) sang the words “the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had” it’s true – they really are. That’s exactly how I feel and I imagine a lot of people. It’s not your fault, it’s not my fault and it’s not their fault. Some of us just have really shitty-ass lives. I know Pollyannas like to dismiss that fact but it’s true.

    Just know I respect whatever decision you make (however much it might hurt me to see you depart this world) and support you either way. You have my FB and you have my number. You know where to find me if you need anything.

    I love you and care about you. Just know that.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you my friend 💜💜. I teared up a little when I read your comment, but in a good way 💚💙. I’m really, genuinely touched by what you said. And I agree with your stances. Please know that I won’t go anywhere. I’ll still be here 💓💓

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  2. Wow. You and I have much in common, sad to say. I’m older (66) but have felt this way a long time. Hang in there. I know how easy it is to say that but not to live it. I value your sharing and I know many others do.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much, my lovely friend ❤ It's saddening, but also reassuring to know we're not alone, as lonely as we can feel sometimes. I really, really appreciate your comment (and all your comments); I know they come from the core, and I value them as well ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “Am I masking so well that I’m masking myself to myself?”

    I kind of had a “woah” moment when I read that. It made me think of me. Some days I have no idea who I am or what I’m doing anymore. Life feels heavy and it’s hard to put one foot in front of the other. I understand your feelings so much and I am so sorry you are carrying all this weight on your shoulders. You are not alone, you reminded me I’m not alone. I’m glad you are still here.

    Liked by 5 people

  4. Can I just say don’t ever give up on life and don’t give in to negative thoughts. I know where you are because I’ve been there before when my life turned upside down for seemingly no reason at all. There is a purpose and as hard as it seems, think positive. Our thoughts are connected to our spiritual and cellular bodies. I value you in being apart of our universe, you are loved. Please try to not pay attention to internet drama and work drama because people who keep up drama are reflecting themselves onto others. It’s important to pay attention to and validate your emotions feelings and words. That’s very positive and please, please always remember you are loved.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement 😘😘. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. You’re so right, too–there is a purpose, and I definitely sense the cellular and spiritual layers and oh yes, thoughts are so powerful and influential for both! You are loved as well, and very much so 💖💖

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Just (((((hugs))))) and love, Laina. I’m sorry for all you’re going through, and have gone through, and for the pain, and the fear and the overwhelm. I’m sorry for the stress and the just-so-much-of-it-all. You’re right to hit publish; people need to know that it’s real.

    I’ll admit I haven’t read your semicolon post yet, but I’ve got it saved for the time that I can give it some real thought and care and proper attention. Still, this one caught my eye for urgency.

    I can’t promise that surgery will be a fix, nor can I promise your financial woes will disappear. Those things are the kinds of things that, when people say, “This will pass, it will get better,” are not guaranteed to turn out that way. So I won’t fill you up with platitudes and inspiration and happy thoughts. But I will say that there ARE things that can help, and there ARE ways that can make the rest of it bearable.

    And while it’s so easy for someone on the outside to give advice and solve your problems for you, that’s not a fix for depression either. So I will just say that you mean a great deal to a great many people, myself included, even though we’ve never met. And that I hope you can get some help or find a way through it so that you can not only manage, but live. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh my, thank you so much for such a beautiful comment 😘❤️❤️. I can’t quite express how touched I feel reading it. I also can’t tell you how much you mean to me, too! 💜💙. Even though we haven’t met in person, I feel like we’re very much connected. It’s because of people like you that I am still here and that I can say that I truly Live 😘😘💚

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  6. Oh Laina, this you wrote, always at the back of my mind, I’m not going to lie. And you’re right, there is a reason you are writing this, because the very first comment hits me in the heart and after reading the first paragraph, I thought to myself: “Finally, someone gets it!!”
    Sometimes darkness is like putting a song on repeat, and when I’m ready to move on, I release the repeat button.
    I woke up to a new release today and I teared up after listening to it, it’s a sad song and I’m now feeling a bit sad but in a good way because I love this song so much it made my day (see, not all things sad are bad😉 ). It’s cathartic. And if you’re curious to find out, here is the video link.

    And to quote from one of your supporters above (thanks Lynn Blair), “You are allowed to be sad, you’re allowed to be depressed.”
    And this post isn’t complete without your signature emojis ❤️ 💛 💚 💙 💜 💕 💞 💓 💗 💖 💘 💝 😘

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Awww 😘😘 You rule, my lovely! 💓💓.

      “Sometimes darkness is like putting a song on repeat, and when I’m ready to move on, I release the repeat button.”

      Oh hell yes!! This, so hard!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. In fact, that’s sometimes how I literally experience it; my most recent song for this is “Flames” by Vast (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ichCCegTbnA).

      Thank you so much for reaching out, for giving me reassurance and encouragement, and for Being You. I love how you typed a gazillion emojis too! One can never have too many emojis 😘😊😎🤗😁💟💖💚💙💜💕🌺💞💓❤️💥😜🌟💥☀️

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      1. Thanks for sharing! I love discovering alternative music and I LOVE the cello (or is it violin?) that was in it🎵 🎶 I’m not an optimist, never was so those positive thinking stuff don’t really work on me but I’ll do things that made me smile and feel better; and I do still appreciate those small little things like 💩🙊 🙉 🙊 🎼 🎹 🎷 🎺 🎸 🎻 🐶 🐱 🐹 🐰 😀 😃 😄 😁 😆

        Liked by 3 people

        1. Omg string instrument music is so, so cool! 💜💜. The violin is a higher-pitched instrument, followed by the slightly-lower-pitched viola (my favorite), followed by the slightly-lower-yet-pitched cello, and then finally the bass. 😁💚💙💜. Omg amazing! Oh yeah, it’s those “little things” that make all the difference! 👍🏼👍🏼💓💓. Lol I love your emoji list at the end! My go-to list looks practically identical ❤️❤️🤗🐉😎💟

          Liked by 1 person

            1. Totally! 😁😁. I just do it on my mobile and add the brackets; I’ll try that now; hope it works 😉

              Here’s a really cool string quartet cover of “Teardrop” by Massive Attack 💖

              [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=F_xEAuRZQfg]

              Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Life is painful, confusing, exhausting, frustrating, and sometimes terrifying, but it’s also miraculous and wonderful. So many things had to happen completely by chance in order for us to be present as we are in this time and place. Although, floating around in space as anti-matter doesn’t sound so bad at times. 😉

    I appreciate your candor and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. That takes guts and I deeply admire it. 💜

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you so much, girl! I appreciate your reaching out in support 💜💜. You’re so right about life also being miraculous and wonderful, too! I definitely feel that a lot. I cherish everything you wrote; thank you very much for it 💟💟💟

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Laina – so brave of you to post this. Sometimes I feel (for me at least) writing allows me to say what I cannot say aloud, and helps me put things in perspective – for a time at least. You have so much to deal with on a daily basis … and it’s ok not be strong sometimes. Having to conform every day to society’s expectations (when they won’t conform to your needs) is tiring – I’m so glad you have an outlet in writing. Keep doing it … I just know it helps others … and I hope it helps you.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. day, saying sorry you are going through this seems inadequate but I am, and I hope the darkness lifts soon. 💜 (I accidentally hit send and I couldn’t remove it edit my first comment)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, my lovely friend 😘😘💕🌷. The storm clouds are beginning to separate, just reading the outpouring of love and support from people like you 🌺💕💓🤗🌟

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  10. You have every right to publish what you want on your blog, and never be ashamed of your honest feelings. I know what it’s like when things pile up, one on top of the other and no end in sight. I also know what it’s like when the joy has gone out of life and all you can do is put one foot in front of the other, just about. Although I have never thought of ending it, or even imagined it ending early by itself (not very likely in my case but of course you never know). I always thought “I’ll go on living alright, just don’t expect me to enjoy it”. I never called it depression either, I always thought that proper depression would be even worse (I’ve known depressed people), but “masking in front of yourself” sounds like a plausible thing. I know those times pass as well, even if you can’t see it now, but this comes close to uttering platitudes which I wanted to avoid. So what can I say? You are not alone, but maybe that doesn’t help right now either. Like others here I feel a kind of friendship for you, a certain kinship, and even if I would never judge you for anything you do or feel, I would prefer it if you stayed. 🦋❤️❤️🌈💓🐉

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so very much, my wonderful dear friend 😘😘🤗💟. I really appreciate your kindness and support 🌷💕. You hit the nail on the head, on all points 👍🏼👍🏼. You totally get it 😊. I can honestly say that it’s people like you who are much of the reason I stay and will keep staying for good 😘😘💘✨🌟🌷💜💞🐉☀️💕

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, your response is so lovely I’m quite touched. I appreciate your kindness as well. Here are some hugs for you ((())) – virtual ones, so you can adjust the strength to your liking, from deep pressure to no touching at all 🤗🤗🌻💖

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  11. My Dearest Dude, boy oh boy do I know how sucky things can be. I’m so sorry you’re having to carry such a load right now. It seems like we all try to jolly ourselves out of feeling like crap but sometimes it’s just too much effort. Sometimes you just gotta sing the blues. I’ve hesitated to write when I’m bummed or frustrated or just pissed off but I always felt better after I did it. Just putting the words down was cathartic. I hope your horse on this carousel of life goes back up soon🎠 in the meantime, be gentle and loving to you. Sending lots of love & support. My shoulder is here if you wanna cry, my ear is here if you wanna rant, long distance hugs aren’t as effective but they’re available too. 😘😍💖✨💫💌❤❤💛💛💚💚💙💙💜💜💟💟💟

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Omg my Most Dearest Dude, I’m so touched reading this! I can’t express what an amazing friend and person you are 😍🤗😘😘. I love how you write stuff – “sometimes you just gotta sing the blues” and the part about catharsis and the horse on this carousel of life; you’re so utterly amazing 💖💖. Most long distance hugs might be less effective, but I bet yours are just as powerful 😘😘😘🤗💟💚💜💙💕💥👊🏼🌟😎☀️😁💖🍀🌺🌷🌴🐉🐾✨☄🍻🕉☯💘

      Liked by 1 person

        1. So very true, DD!! 😘😘😘 I’m definitely one of those Aspies/auties who loves hugs. If I’m wilting, they perk me right back up. And I love to hug others, the ones I feel safe and comfortable with (you definitely qualify! 🤗🤗) 💕✨😎💟💓💞💚💙💜❤️☀️🐉🤗👍🏼👏🏼😘☄🌷🌺

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  12. Oh, sweet friend, your frankness here is more helpful than you know. How I understand on so many levels! I live with so many similar struggles every day. It’s like being heaped with stones some days and being told to keep carrying them all till further notice. Eventually, the arms give way and your feet can’t keep moving. That is when we *must* allow ourselves to stop, cry out in pain, and let others know what we are dealing with. And, thereby, though the load does not disappear, it shifts and becomes more managable. Be easy on yourself right now. Do things which soothe you. Know that you have many here who care a great deal. Sending big hugs and lots of prayers. 💓💓💓💓💓💓

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Omg cool!!–I’m so excited that it was helpful 😘😘. That’s exactly what I hoped to accomplish ❤️❤️. I feel for you, dear one! And I think you’re totally spot-on, in everything you said 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🌟🌟. I feel your caring literally coming through my screen. Some might say that it’s impossible to feel bonds online since it’s not in person, but I call BS on that. I have felt so uplifted by so many amazing people like you, and the gratitude and mutual love I feel back toward you is every bit as real and simply can’t be dismissed. And those feelings are so mutual 😘😘🤗❤️❤️💟💟💟

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      1. Glad you feel my caring. I feel yours, too! Heck, I feel more from online people than most folks I encounter in real life. I couldn’t share with them what I do here! Thank you for an open place to be ourselves!😘😘😘

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  13. I wish you’re a little better by now. Asperger/autistic life can be really exhausting and depression/burn-out are never far when you’re continually exhausted (autistic or not). It’s one of those dark sides of autism that most people don’t want to acknowledge (even many social worker, “autism-specialized specialised education technicians”, and doctors). And it needs to be acknowledged, because once it is, we can begin to feel more “normal” and the situation can look less “desperate”. Don’t let people deny your feelings, and allow yourself to express them. Depressive periods are good times for thinking about what needs to be fixed/changed in our lives. The depressive period is hard, but most often, that’s when I’ve made decisions that solved long lingering problems. I know you probably know this, but pain is felt more intensely when we are tired and/or depressed… and we get less sleep and are more tired when we have more pain… I’m so sorry your country won’t help you get your pain relieved (and it reminds me how lucky I am to live in Canada).

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you very much for your delightful comment! 😊. I agree wholeheartedly with you, especially regarding the concept of depressive periods being useful for showing us what needs to be dealt with 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. Yeah, I’m in the US and it’s cool (although omg I love Canada!! I’ve spent a significant portion of my childhood there; you probably know me without knowing it 😉💙), but yeah, although there are aspects of our healthcare setup that work well for us, there are so many other aspects that just plain suck 💖💖. The cool part is that there are certain herbs available that work Just. Like. Tramadol (mild narcotic, like codeine) 😁😁💕💕

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    2. Oops, I hit enter too soon!

      I wanted to say thank you again for your support! Who knows, you may see me in Canada once again! My sister is a citizen now, and lives in Alberta 😁😁🌺💞

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          1. They were really nice…(I’ve met other members of the band, too, after their shows on the Wild Mood Swings tour). It was a nicely serendipitous/synchronous experience. As close to magic-made-real as it gets in this dimension.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Thank you so much! I’m sure a moment of clarity will strike 😁. And when it does, I’ll definitely be sure to share it 👍🏼👍🏼💞. Thank you and good luck to you too, whenever you might need it 😘😘💙

              Liked by 1 person

  14. Surgery is scary. I wish you only the best with that.
    Depression is hard – if you are Autistic then it must be more alienating. I feel very alienated and lonely when depressed so I’m really sorry you experience this but it’s no wonder, you are a real person, I think real people get depressed sometimes because of this world. Hang in there. What others said about you having every right to publish what you want on your blog is damn right, and anyone who shames you or makes you feel invalidated by your writing is just a sick person because this is YOUR blog and you have a right! Plus it takes courage to be honest and you are honest and thus, you are courageous and people just need to learn that tearing someone down is NOT the answer but actually a really dark shadow in their soul. I’m really sorry you ever experience this but I know it happens because it’s happened to me. Just remember, this does not reflect on you, this is NOT you, this is all about them if someone cannot be decent, walk away. xo hugs

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh wow, thank you very, very much for all your kind words!! I feel your love and support from here, even through a mobile screen (😉), and I know that what you say comes from the heart 💟💟💟 The feeling is very mutual, btw! 💕💗💕

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  15. I am glad you published. I crashed in very similar way last night. How much can one endure before we cannot any longer? I shudder to think one more burden may come my way. So I try hard to put it all in perspective. I crash and burn from time to time. Gotta let it out. We are only human. This post spoke to me. I am not alone. Thank you so much. We will persevere.💓👍

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  16. Thank you. Thank you for putting in writing something that I haven’t dared until now. I can’t voice these thoughts out loud to those around me when they come (and come they do, the simple act of living sometimes feels too hard, too tiring, and I just want it to stop), I can’t describe to them the methods I have chewed over in my head, because the few times I have tried to start the conversation, the distress of my loved ones and also their assertion that it’s selfish of me has stopped the discussion dead. I don’t want to hurt anyone else, but it also hurts me to be here still. However, after one incident that had me leave the house and drive away into the night with no aim except to get away (from what? Life? I don’t know), when I finally stopped, exhausted, and answered my phone (it suddenly occurred to me that my family could call the police to look for me, and I didn’t want to find myself on a psychiatric ward, sectioned and unable to leave), my tearful daughter finally agreed to hear me out. I didn’t go into details, I just said I’ve had enough, I can’t do it any more. Somehow though I also heard her out. I heard her distress, her pleas for me to return home. And then it hit me. Yes, I find living hard. I’d be very grateful for a natural end. But I love my family dearly, especially my five wonderful children. And I know someone whose son ended his own life some years ago. So if I were to actively end my life I have seen the distress it can cause, the torture that haunts the family left behind, the guilt (even if there was nothing they could have done to stop it), and generally how it can turn the family’s lives into a living hell of their own. So if I act on my thoughts in order to end my struggle, all I’d really be doing is passing that struggle on, and multiplying it by at least 6, including my husband, and probably more if I include my parents and brother and sister. I will not do that. I will not pass on that level of distress to the people I love the most, I just won’t do it. So since that moment, about 2 years ago now, I have a reason to live. Because living is hard, but I won’t allow myself to make someone else’s life life that, and when those moments come at me now, that’s what I tell myself, again and again. And again until I hear myself. And I’m keeping the promise I made to my daughter that very rainy night, that I’ll not actively take my own life because it would make her life unbearable after. It doesn’t stop the thoughts, but it does give me a reason to stay. I know not everyone has children but most people have someone close who would be hurt by their suicide, and if they can think of the torment they will pass on, maybe they can decide they want to stay. On the other hand, if there is no one to be hurt by the suicide, well…. I’m not sure if it’s Ok to say this…. but this is how I feel, enjoy your rest and peace my friend.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you thank you so very much for your fantastic comment! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. I have had many of the same concerns as you’ve had, which is one reason I hold back a lot with people in my offline life; I don’t want to end up on record and mistreated in a psych ward, risk being stripped of my professional license, losing my partner and family, etc. So I hold a lot in, which is probably why I blog so much 🙂❤️. You’re so correct on every point you made, and I can definitely, assuredly relate. I’m so glad you made the decision you made, for your daughter’s sake 💚💙. I’m really happy that you’re staying, too. We will get through this. Every time it happens. I wish you rest and peace and happiness as well ☮💖💖💜💙💚💛❤️

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      1. If I’m able to at the time I have a crisis point, I now try to get out for a run with my favourite running and pick me up music, Sia mostly. Because she sings of being Titanium, being the greatest with stamina, being unstoppable and generally says I won’t be beaten, by you are anyone. Her lyrics and music help to keep me going. My running playlist is full of songs along that theme.

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  17. Great piece. And great comments. Yep, living is hard, and sometimes hardly seems worth it. Would I fight it, if I were looking an “early” end square in the proverbial eye? I’m not sure. Sometimes I think it would be a relief. Then again, I’m fickle. And if I were in the middle of something that really mattered to me — research, data analysis, a topic of intense personal investment — I’d probably fight. But who knows? I mean, all this work, and what good does it ultimately do? Shrug? Dunno. I *do* know it helps me. It does me a whole lot of good, so that’s sufficient.

    I wonder sometimes if suicide isn’t a different phenomenon for autistic folks than neurotypicals. Of course, there’s the alexithymia (for me) and that masking business… It blurs everything. And at the same time, our experiences can be so *intense*, compared to what I hear NTs talking about. When I despair, I don’t mess around. Industrial-strength despair! And joy. And boredom. And frustration. And peace. Pump up the volume – Pump up the volume – Pump – Pump! (that was for everyone who was on the dance floor in 1991).

    Thinking about my life, I have to say that the only way it actually works in the outside world, is if I leave myself behind and disregard my own wishes and needs. Objectively speaking, it’s true. I’m incapable of articulating what I really need and want to NTs in any meaningful way. They either have no idea what it means or what needs to be done, or my inability to decipher them keeps me from realizing when they do get it. So, I play by the rules, and I have my little moments of subversion along the way. I have a pretty great life, but much of the time, there’s not a whole lot of “me” in there. That’s what weekends and evenings are for, y’know?

    Bottom line is, the NT world isn’t particularly appealing to me. Expediency keeps me here, so leaving it behind isn’t necessarily a horrible prospect for me.

    But my studies…. oh, my studies… My books, all those ND blogs, all the wonderful reading material and the gorgeous minds that created them. For them, I’ll totally stick around. And every other amazing, gorgeous, invigorating, delicious, uplifting, transcendant slice of life that comes across my path.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You’re so right, girl! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. Thank you so much for writing this 😊❤️. I can especially relate to your entire second and fourth paragraphs, practically word-for-word 👍🏼👍🏼🌺💗

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Great post lovely. I understand it too. I’m 47 almost but I’m tired and I’ve felt tired for a few years now. I don’t live, so much as exist. Sleep doesn’t refresh me because it’s anxiety sleep with vivid dreams of the unpleasant and confusing kind. How I long for one night where I don’t remember going to sleep..Keep sharing. X

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Hi Laina. I am sorry to hear you are going through a hard time. I am glad you are still here. It helps me to read your posts. We all exist for a reason. One of your reasons for being here is to provide an accurate, honest first person account of autism from your perspective. I too have gone through times of distress, where the world feels too much. I continue to bring my troubles to God, and remind myself that I exist with family, and friends (in person and online). What happens to me affects them too.

    I wish you well. Please continue to blog about your experience.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Your posts have been so helpful for me recently, I’m realising so much about myself. The best part is that I love how honest and accepting of yourself you are! It encourages me to accept my quirks as well and love myself the way I am and finally be at peace with myself. 💖🌹😘

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Omg cool!! Thank you so much for your comment and the big smile it brought me this morning 💜💙💜. Self-acceptance, I’ve found, has been a process for me, but such an important one, and so well worth the effort 💕💕. I’m so, so joyful that you’re at peace with yourself! 👏🏼👍🏼💟💟

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  20. And I’m so glad you are still here!

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while and it really helps me put into words all the confusing thoughts and feelings flying around my head right now (I’m 41 and on a long waiting list for an autism assessment). What you do here on this blog is really important and your honesty is valued tremendously, I don’t know whether you realise what an important contribution you make to the world for people like me? You help me make sense of myself and I can’t thank you enough for that.

    It sounds like you carry such a massive weight on your shoulders at the moment and I’m so sorry to read how much you’re hurting. Many of your feelings I can relate to so much. Be gentle with yourself and take one tiny step at a time xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh wow! 💜💜. I have no words for how uplifting and encouraging it is to read your comment 💚💙. I’m so, so happy that you’re enjoying it and that it’s helpful 😁💞. Thank you for your lovely (and much-needed 😉) advice! I will assuredly take it to heart ❤️❤️. Thank you so much for commenting! 💗💗

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  21. There isnt anything I can say to really help, certainly nothing I can do (and I dont believe in offering when i know i cant fulfil, seems fraudulent to me). I just hope it has got a bit better since. It can sap everything when it feels you are constantly digging in sand and getting nowhere, just more piling in on tope of you. I’m been on the edge of that abyss, many times, and found that sometimes you just need that one thing, whatever it is, to grab hold of, to get you through. It doesnt even need to be a good, positive thing (for me it was spite, knowing that it would infuriate people, one in particular, far more if i lived than if I didnt), just some flame that you can hold onto.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww thanks so much, luv! 💕💕. Yeah I can honestly say that things have gotten better 👍🏼. I’m still working through the nickel poisoning, which brought me to even darker places, and I’m not out of the woods yet, but I’m starting to feel the early stirrings of a more positive direction and more positive energy. Honestly, it’s been my WP lovelies (and often my partner, although sometimes he can also be a source of my darkness, too) have gotten me through this. Just the outpouring of caring and support has honestly meant the world to me, and it may actually be the reason I’m still here 🙌🏼💚💙💜

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