Processing loss

Oh my gosh, how do I do this?  I’m at a loss, confused, and alone, the latter of which I prefer to be, I think.

Except that I’m not sure.  I’m not sure of anything.  All I know is that the world is changing too fast for me to process, and therefore, to handle.

And true to my Aspergian/Autistic colors, I don’t handle change well. Especially not this kind.  Not when your loved ones fall away like toy soldiers being shot at with a BB gun.

It was inevitable, I know.  It always was.  It always is.  Some cases are more inevitable than others, but as I’ll mention below, everything’s temporary, if you give it enough time.

I’m sharing with you the fresh processing, the thoughts-in-progress, as they tumble chaotically out of my head.

I just saw the text from my mom.  It’s done.  She’s gone.  That little uptick in energy on Tuesday night mom told me about, where my aunt sounded wonderful and wanted to make a list of everything she wanted to do before she died was indeed the phenomenon of the last burst of energy before one crosses over to the other side after all.  We’d been wondering about that, whether or not that was the case, if the energy was paradoxical and her passing was closer at hand than we thought.

This afternoon removed all doubt.

I don’t know how to feel.  I broke down and cried, but is that because that’s what’s I’m expected to do?  It’s not like we were incredibly close, my aunt and me, but in a way, I “got” her when no one else did.  Astrologically, we share some interesting placements in common.  I didn’t judge the parts of her that others might have, for reasons of their own, because they could be found inside me, too.

I do know that my expressions are not for show, because I made sure that I was alone.  I grieve more completely and freely that way, without my loved ones telling me it’s all right, to remember that she’s in a better place, to keep in mind that life goes on.  These are all good points, congruent with my beliefs, but right now is too early to hear them from people too close to me in offline life.

Besides, they have their own pain to process.  I can’t imagine what my mum is going through.  This was her only sister, and they had just started to deepen their bond.  My mum and I are really close; how much of what I think I’m feeling is actually more of a “telepathic” (?) connection with my mum?  How much of it could be a psychic/empathetic pain for/from her?

My mum and I mutually agreed to talk tomorrow.  I think we’re both wiped out for today.

Today, it’s better to process alone.  I want to be able to cry as long as I need to, with the stoppage and startage that goes with the territory at times like this.  I usually love hugs, but I’m not ready for them just yet.  What I feel is too overwhelming; emotions I can’t identify surface with too much force for me to comprehend.  They don’t take turns at first; they all rise up, rushing to the forefront in mob-like fashion, yelling “me first!”, before crashing into each other and landing on a pile on the ground.

And then it’s up to me to sort through them all, trying to make sense of them as they decide to take turns after all, and pummel me in waves over the next few…days?  Months?  Years?

How long will it take to fully process everything?  I don’t know.  All I know is that there are some deaths I think I’ve processed, only for more emotions to rise up like lava from a volcano you thought was dormant.

Sometimes it seems like a lifelong curse, and maybe it is, because I’m always grieving for someone, whether they had two legsor four.  And maybe I’ll always grieve because I’ll always love them.

God(dess) I don’t like to be such a cold wet cave this weekend.  I really hadn’t planned on this.  I really didn’t intend to make this blog the downer that I feel it’s been lately.  But I felt compelled to write because I know there are some of you facing a very similar situation, and since these situations are fairly universal, then if you aren’t dealing with something like this now, then maybe you have in the past, and/or you will in the future, and when you do, with any luck, you might find this oddly comforting, to know you’re really not alone, even if you feel like your feelings are all “off”.  Maybe writing this will help someone.  I hope so.

There’s no one answer.  About how to feel, that is.  About how to react, to respond.  There’s no right one, and no wrong one.  It just is.

Life is miraculous and tragic, a yin and a yang.  Right now, I guess I’m going through a series of yins.  There will be yangs in the future, and there have been yangs in the past, to make up for this.  It all balances out in the end, of that much I’m sure.

I’m not sure about anything else.

I want to share with you something that came to me several weeks ago.  To feel the full experience, pull up the song “Flames” by the group Vast (or V.A.S.T.) (I’ve linked to the video), which interestingly enough, was the song I had discovered the day I found out she had pancreatic cancer.  I recommend pulling it up and having a feel for the music and mood of that song as you read below.  We’ve done this before (winking, even if there’s sadness in the accompanying smile) (here, here, here, and here), so I’m an old hat at this; I do it a lot, writing my own would-be “lyrics” to existing songs.

My words might not match up to the song completely, but you’ll get the idea.

Again, I apologize for all the darkness on here lately; I promise I’ll write something happier as soon as I’m able to. ❤

Written on 7 June 2017 at 3.35pm US Central Daylight Time.

Holding back
Bleeding one more time
I’ll be standing at the gate for you

Tilted back
Breathing one more time
I’ll be safe until I breathe again

And everything is temporary if you give it enough time
The Big Bang boomerangs back on itself so close behind

Giving in
Praying one more time
Trying to get a glimpse of the horizon 

Living in
This tired world of ours
Trying to see over the wall of stone

Take the flight
Leave the world behind
It was overrated anyway

Steal away
In the dark of night
Better off without it any day

And everything that came after that is shrouded in the veil
The sun sets on a dear soul’s life before it finds the holy grail

You say everything with your eyes; nothing need leave your lips
In the big screen of the universe, we’re all just tiny blips

Close your eyes
You will find me there
I’ll be waiting at the gate for you

Purse your lips
Draw the final breath
I’ll be standing watching over you

Pleading now
Starting to slip away
The earth returns to how it was before

The people there
Never whole again
For them the world will never be the same

And everything’s more powerful once it’s been set free from the flesh
This plane is like a prison after which we all start fresh

But everything between the lives gets erased to start from scratch
And everyone goes separate ways as the universe lights its match

Thank you all dearly for reading, and for bearing with me through all this. ❤

GFS, aunt (mother’s sister)

Born November 15, 1948

Died June 25, 2017; Pancreatic cancer

GFS, I love you, and I always will. ❤

Please everybody pray or send warm thoughts to my mum. ❤


    1. Thank you so much for your kind comment, and also for taking the awesome initiative to learn about Asperger’s from the source! That’s so cool! I wish everyone did that, but more are starting to, and you’re at the forefront of that wave 👍🏼👍🏼😊❤️


  1. (((((Dear Laina))))) So much love, for you and your mom. I’m sorry. 😦 Please don’t worry about “being a downer,” and thank you for being honest. We all have or will have to grieve at some point, you’re right, and I think it changes each time. Grieve how you do, and I hope that the love you find here will help in some small way. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My grandmother died from stomach cancer when I was 15. She was my mother’s​ mother and my mother didn’t have any sibs or know her father. We knew she was going. Cancer is awful. I personally think the quicker the death the easier for everyone. My opinion. My grandmother was an alcoholic and I didn’t really have a relationship with her. My mother was devastated. The only time I cried was for my mother. I had to be her rock, her strength, her support. I was sad for my mother but I was also frustrated at my step dad, angry in general that this was interfering in my life. I didn’t show those emotions or talk about them at the time, obviously.
    Why this long story??? You’ve got a LOT going on in your own life right now and however inevitable your Aunt’s death was, it’s still an interference. I’m not saying you feel the same way I felt but it doesn’t make you a monster or a bad person if you do.
    All my loves Dearest Dude!!! I’m here if you need me💖💐🌷😘😍💝💞

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You are the bomb, girl!! 💣💥🌷🌺🌴💞. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Yep, I feel like I’ve processed what I can for the time being (blogging in real-time totally helped!), and now that I feel more solid and at peace this morning, my obligation is to focus on my mom ❤️❤️💖🌟💖🌺🌷💗💕

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sending you, your mama & family healing​, loving thoughts💌💌 Remember to take time out to care for you DD! “Oxygen mask on the plane” and all that😘😘😍😍✨💫💞💗💐🌷🌻🌴😎

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you so much, DD!! 😘😘😘. Good news is, I don’t even have to travel 👍🏼. Interestingly, neither my aunt nor my grandmother (who’s still alive, but who knows for how long?), didn’t want a funeral service. I had assumed they did. But I think I’ll have to travel anyway eventually, because my aunt left some stuff to my mom, and I should probably help my mom with it, even if only for moral support 💙💜💙💘💚💗🌴💕💟💞💖


    1. Thank you so much, luv 😘😘❤️. It sure does 💟. Interestingly, I’m doing surprisingly ok today. I’m actually relieved for her. She’d been in a lot of pain, and now she gets to reunite with her departed husband. She has relief now, and I believe she’s bigger in spirit without the confines of a physical body that won’t work anymore. I think I’m going to talk a lot to her today. 💜💙💜

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Beautiful way to think about it 😊 I think when it comes to cancer it’s ok to feel relief for their sake 😊❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Sending love as well. Processing loss is a tricky one. Like everyone else who gets to my age I have some experience with that. I think you feel different things at once, which can make them difficult to identify. For me, also, of course I’m sad and I grieve, but I usually cope really well and don’t show much on the outside. And then you think am I sad enough? But your feelings are your business, and there is no obligation to feel them according to someone else’s standards.
    Take care!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I sensed this post was coming soon. 🙁 So sorry. Grief is such a massive thing to wrangle with and no two people feel it exactly the same. Do what you need to do, write what you need to write, my friend. We’re here. Sending all my love and prayers. 💗💗💗💗

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m so sorry for the loss of your Aunt. I think your feelings probably arise from all the places you talked about. When you wtite…

    “What I feel is too overwhelming; emotions I can’t identify surface with too much force for me to comprehend. They don’t take turns at first; they all rise up, rushing to the forefront in mob-like fashion, yelling “me first!”, before crashing into each other and landing”

    …I about crumpled up into a ball and cried because yes, I know what you mean!! It is SO much all st once and you get it. Some one gets it! I hope you find peace as you process.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh Laina, I send you and your mom a big hug… I think you are a courageous woman to be sharing your grieving process with us.. and you will help many in doing so.. I hope that knowing that can bring at least a small amount of comfort to you.. know we are here if you need us ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m sorry for your loss. You communicate grief so eloquently here. I think that rather than being a downer, these pieces you share really help process realities (that we’d rather not have) in life. It is helpful. This is beautiful, and I’ll share it with a friend who could use this right now. Hugs and love to you and your mum.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww, thank you thank you! Your encouraging words are so reassuring to me 💖💖. I’m really glad it’s helping someone, although it’s sad that it’s applicable, because that means they’re hurting too 💐💐. I’m so honored that you’d share this with your lovely friend; please give them my warmest wishes and most comforting thoughts 💞💞💞

      Liked by 1 person

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