Processing loss

Oh my gosh, how do I do this?  I’m at a loss, confused, and alone, the latter of which I prefer to be, I think.

Except that I’m not sure.  I’m not sure of anything.  All I know is that the world is changing too fast for me to process, and therefore, to handle.

And true to my Aspergian/Autistic colors, I don’t handle change well. Especially not this kind.  Not when your loved ones fall away like toy soldiers being shot at with a BB gun.

It was inevitable, I know.  It always was.  It always is.  Some cases are more inevitable than others, but as I’ll mention below, everything’s temporary, if you give it enough time.

I’m sharing with you the fresh processing, the thoughts-in-progress, as they tumble chaotically out of my head.

I just saw the text from my mom.  It’s done.  She’s gone.  That little uptick in energy on Tuesday night mom told me about, where my aunt sounded wonderful and wanted to make a list of everything she wanted to do before she died was indeed the phenomenon of the last burst of energy before one crosses over to the other side after all.  We’d been wondering about that, whether or not that was the case, if the energy was paradoxical and her passing was closer at hand than we thought.

This afternoon removed all doubt.

I don’t know how to feel.  I broke down and cried, but is that because that’s what’s I’m expected to do?  It’s not like we were incredibly close, my aunt and me, but in a way, I “got” her when no one else did.  Astrologically, we share some interesting placements in common.  I didn’t judge the parts of her that others might have, for reasons of their own, because they could be found inside me, too.

I do know that my expressions are not for show, because I made sure that I was alone.  I grieve more completely and freely that way, without my loved ones telling me it’s all right, to remember that she’s in a better place, to keep in mind that life goes on.  These are all good points, congruent with my beliefs, but right now is too early to hear them from people too close to me in offline life.

Besides, they have their own pain to process.  I can’t imagine what my mum is going through.  This was her only sister, and they had just started to deepen their bond.  My mum and I are really close; how much of what I think I’m feeling is actually more of a “telepathic” (?) connection with my mum?  How much of it could be a psychic/empathetic pain for/from her?

My mum and I mutually agreed to talk tomorrow.  I think we’re both wiped out for today.

Today, it’s better to process alone.  I want to be able to cry as long as I need to, with the stoppage and startage that goes with the territory at times like this.  I usually love hugs, but I’m not ready for them just yet.  What I feel is too overwhelming; emotions I can’t identify surface with too much force for me to comprehend.  They don’t take turns at first; they all rise up, rushing to the forefront in mob-like fashion, yelling “me first!”, before crashing into each other and landing on a pile on the ground.

And then it’s up to me to sort through them all, trying to make sense of them as they decide to take turns after all, and pummel me in waves over the next few…days?  Months?  Years?

How long will it take to fully process everything?  I don’t know.  All I know is that there are some deaths I think I’ve processed, only for more emotions to rise up like lava from a volcano you thought was dormant.

Sometimes it seems like a lifelong curse, and maybe it is, because I’m always grieving for someone, whether they had two legs, or four.  And maybe I’ll always grieve because I’ll always love them.

God(dess) I don’t like to be such a cold wet cave this weekend.  I really hadn’t planned on this.  I really didn’t intend to make this blog the downer that I feel it’s been lately.  But I felt compelled to write because I know there are some of you facing a very similar situation, and since these situations are fairly universal, then if you aren’t dealing with something like this now, then maybe you have in the past, and/or you will in the future, and when you do, with any luck, you might find this oddly comforting, to know you’re really not alone, even if you feel like your feelings are all “off”.  Maybe writing this will help someone.  I hope so.

There’s no one answer.  About how to feel, that is.  About how to react, to respond.  There’s no right one, and no wrong one.  It just is.

Life is miraculous and tragic, a yin and a yang.  Right now, I guess I’m going through a series of yins.  There will be yangs in the future, and there have been yangs in the past, to make up for this.  It all balances out in the end, of that much I’m sure.

I’m not sure about anything else.

I want to share with you something that came to me several weeks ago.  To feel the full experience, pull up the song “Flames” by the group Vast (or V.A.S.T.) (I’ve linked to the video), which interestingly enough, was the song I had discovered the day I found out she had pancreatic cancer.  I recommend pulling it up and having a feel for the music and mood of that song as you read below.  We’ve done this before (winking, even if there’s sadness in the accompanying smile) (here, here, here, and here), so I’m an old hat at this; I do it a lot, writing my own would-be “lyrics” to existing songs.

My words might not match up to the song completely, but you’ll get the idea.

Again, I apologize for all the darkness on here lately; I promise I’ll write something happier as soon as I’m able to. ❤

Written on 7 June 2017 at 3.35pm US Central Daylight Time.

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Holding back
Bleeding one more time
I’ll be standing at the gate for you

Tilted back
Breathing one more time
I’ll be safe until I breathe again

And everything is temporary if you give it enough time
The Big Bang boomerangs back on itself so close behind

Giving in
Praying one more time
Trying to get a glimpse of the horizon 

Living in
This tired world of ours
Trying to see over the wall of stone

Take the flight
Leave the world behind
It was overrated anyway

Steal away
In the dark of night
Better off without it any day

And everything that came after that is shrouded in the veil
The sun sets on a dear soul’s life before it finds the holy grail

You say everything with your eyes; nothing need leave your lips
In the big screen of the universe, we’re all just tiny blips

Close your eyes
You will find me there
I’ll be waiting at the gate for you

Purse your lips
Draw the final breath
I’ll be standing watching over you

Pleading now
Starting to slip away
The earth returns to how it was before

The people there
Never whole again
For them the world will never be the same

And everything’s more powerful once it’s been set free from the flesh
This plane is like a prison after which we all start fresh

But everything between the lives gets erased to start from scratch
And everyone goes separate ways as the universe lights its match

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Thank you all dearly for reading, and for bearing with me through all this. ❤

GFS, aunt (mother’s sister)

Born November 15, 1948

Died June 25, 2017; Pancreatic cancer

GFS, I love you, and I always will. ❤

Please everybody pray or send warm thoughts to my mum. ❤

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