Autism, introspection, and fulfillment 

I’ve decided to escape the confines of the office environment for a little while.  In what may or may not be a bout of internalized ableism (although my jury is still out on my own), I feel I’ve earned it, having gotten done yesterday not only everything on yesterday’s to-do list, but everything overtly planned for today, too.

There is always more work to be done, some of which has occupied a longer-term to-do list for literally years.  Those list items have been there for a while already, and they’ll be there tomorrow, too.  So for the moment, I won’t throw myself down a guilt-trip staircase.

For now, I’m just going to be.  I staked out little pieces of territory long ago, and my most complicated decision was to choose among them.

OK, maybe there are more complicated thoughts pinballing around in my head…

…Like whether or not I’m actually fulfilled at this point in my life.

Sure, according to measurement tools utilized by the general population, I “pass”.  I’m self-employed (employment being the biggest market on the general population’s ruler), and I’ve been with my partner for 18 years (another notch on the general yardstick).

But my detail-happy, hyper-critical brain says, “but there’s so much more to this life!”

There is indeed.  I have my interests.  I have my lovelies, both on and off the Asperger’s/autism spectrum.  I have my beautiful kitties.  I have my writing and music.  I have interesting memories.

And I’m not implying that that’s not enough.  I’ve been blessed, and in a sense that is much more than the cliché it may sound like.

But my spirit roams, in search of places I can never quite access and make myself at home in.  It yearns for a past that is shrouded from view and a future that hasn’t arrived yet.  It craves states that can only be achieved through activities that require much more self-discipline than I currently have, or even–ahem–supplies than I can access.

I’m consumed by a wanderlust I’m currently incapable of carrying out.

I seek truth.  I would love to have X-Ray vision or microscopic size.  I would love to be a fly on the wall of a significant room where decisions are made and truths are revealed.  If the truth is stranger than fiction, I want to be privy to it.

It’s not that I’m nosy; it’s that I’m insatiably curious.  And as metaphysical as I may come across, what with my dance around astral projection and meditation, or as throwback-hippie as I may seem with my hints at certain mushroom species, I’m actually quite the realist.  I don’t want a manufactured “truth” that has been approved by authorities and sanitized through layers of agendas and interests.

My INTJ-flavored Aspie brain wants to be leveled with, whether that means within the realm of what is known about the physical world or I have to go outside of it.

Sometimes, though, I can’t handle the reality.  Sometimes it’s too cruel and tragic; other times it’s too beautiful and miraculous.  I can handle solving the mysteries; I can’t always handle the revelations.

I was always bewildered when a previous counselor kept telling me that I needed to delve further down.  What did that even mean?  As far as I was concerned, I was already a deeper diver than what I had witnessed of the general population.

Just how deep can a single soul go, anyway?

I had hit the basement floor, the deepest layers of my inner core, already.  In fact, I have an express elevator that can go straight there on cue.

To get there, however, I must leave the office and isolate myself from people.  I must remove every stage prop of my superficial life, every article of my costume, from my immediate surroundings.  I have to go outside and connect with nature.

And I have to admit to myself everything that I am.

That has become much easier since I discovered that I reside on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum.  That nugget revealed to me an entire set of truths.

And in so doing, I gave myself the permission to be alone enough to discover them.  🙂

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(Image Credit: Callie Fink)

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21 Comments

          1. Lol I feel you! Write about whatever your heart desires, luv ❤️. Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter 😘. What it shows is that aside from coworkers, you seem to be at relative peace with life (?). 😎🌺💟

            Liked by 1 person

          2. Eh… I’ve been in much worse situations. I think a little dissatisfaction goes a long way — it helps us strive for better things. I dread the day I’m perfectly happy with everything lol — I’d have nothing to work for.

            It’s like, the idea that you can’t have light without darkness or happiness without sadness. If everything was happy all the time, how would we know what it is? It would just be a singular state of being. That’s why I don’t mind the sad times because it makes me realize how wonderful the happy times are.

            Thanks again!

            Liked by 3 people

        1. That’s the sucky part 😰😰😰😰😰😰. If it’s any consolation, I’m on here a lot and always a text away, and believe me, there’s no such thing as bothering me! I will always come up with time for you girl 😘❤️💙💚

          Liked by 1 person

  1. I don’t think your boss will be too upset with you for taking some time off 😝 It sure would be nice to have the means to travel all over the world and learn, learn, learn! I’m curious too. I want to know everything. Not nosy gossipy stuff. I find my lack of spoons & lack of funds keeps most of my “travel” and searches for knowledge restricted to books & the internet. Oh, and astral travel in my dreams. 🌠🌟🌞🌜☯☮📚📙📖📔✨⛵🛣🛩🌏🌎🌍🍀🐉🌷💐🌼🕊🐬💫💥💞👣😘😍😎

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Nah, my boss these days is much more understanding 😉😂😎💚💙

      Omg I would *love* to simply travel the world and learn incessantly. That would be the dream life for me 👏🏼🖐🏼👍🏼. I’m with you on the learning methods, too. Google Street View is the closest thing I have to a vacay, and dreams are wonderful whenever they cooperate lol 😉😂😘. Omg yes 👌🏼🌎🌞✨🌛🌝🌜☄💫📱💿⌛️🔬🔭📚📚📖☮☯🕉💘💜💙❣⚛🔆

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  2. Wow. Sounds like you definitely earned a breather. ☺We all need those times. I sometimes struggle to give them to myself, or, moreover, to find time most days, though it is getting better. I prefer nature, too, for those times, but learning to take my moments where and when I get them ( which is more often than not soaking in the tub). If I lay back and close my eyes, I can imagine a lot of things. ( at least, until I hear, “Mom, mom!” or “Honey…” lol)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol yep! Never a dull moment, eh? Soaking in the tub sounds heavenly 😘❤️. I don’t hear “mom!”, but I do hear, “MEOW!!!” Lol 😂😂. Similar context, although different species 😘❤️❤️🙏🏼💞

      Liked by 1 person

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