Someone better [autistic poetry]

(This was written about 3.5 years ago, inspired by the beautiful melancholic song “Someone Purer” by Mystery Jets (link to video on YouTube).  I wanted to share it with you today.  I’ll issue a mild, general Content Advisory; I can’t determine anything specific, but there are a few underlying internal issues.  ❤ )

I feel the world closing in
And I’m not comfortable in my own skin
Once again, it’s not enough
And I don’t know where to begin

What if I
Was someone better
Someone smarter
Someone more beautiful
Someone purer…
…And I’ll have you know

I’m all turned around
And my sky is falling down
It’s a wonder I’ve survived
But I don’t feel so alive

Where do I go from here?
Who have I become?
What have I ever done to you?
Where else could I possibly have run?

What if I
Was someone better
Someone innocent
Someone less stubborn
Or at least less intense?
I can’t help but have you know.

What’s happened to it all?
I see only pieces left
Didn’t mean to let it fall
Now I’m sitting with myself

There’s a dagger through my heart
And I got one foot in quicksand
Trying to figure out how it went down
And I’m not sure I understand

Maybe someday
I’ll be better
I’ll be smarter
I’ll be more on the ball
I’ll be someone…
…Worth being part of your life

Maybe next time
I’ll be better
I’ll be more gracious
I’ll be your ideal
I’ll be more thoughtful…
…Much more than I know
…Much more than I am now

I feel the world closing in
I’m not comfortable in my own skin
Once again swallowed by my fear
Where do I go from here?
I’ll have you know.

(Originally written February 23, 2014)

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This is one of my most popular posts!

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(Image Credit: Tim Parker)

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71 Comments

        1. Sorry about that 🌷. I guess we’re all different, after all. I’m autistic too (of course) and many of my fellow autistic “family” refer to each other by pet names like that 🙂. Not saying either way is right or wrong, of course. I just need to remind myself that we’re all different and I confess that I’m not always the best at remembering names 💕

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              1. I know I’m sort of interrupting this conversation but I’m autistic as well and I will call people “dude” and “man” from time to time but I could see how it would offend some people so I try to refrain from it as much as possible, but it can be hard to change the way you naturally communicate especially when you already have issues with communicating to begin with. A lot of us have to go with routine ways of engaging with people and it can be hard to break it. I have my issues with being called “fam” and “sis” at times because I had people in the past who abused me that would refer to me in this way and didn’t treat me like family at all. But I don’t expect other people to stop doing it. I have so many damn triggers. Yeah I sort of rambled on about myself. lol. my bad. it’s too late now. I’m not going to erase it. I hope it won’t offend anyone too bad. But you both just got me thinking a lot about communication and such.

                Liked by 2 people

                1. Oh man, here I go again. I was a little bothered by how I said “naturally” communicate because technically it isn’t very authentic at all since we sort of end up mimicking people around us. lol. But I think you got what I meant. Hopefully.

                  Liked by 2 people

                    1. LOL thanks. Yeah, I feel like I need to be careful but at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t have to be and people should just take care of their own shit. I can see both sides of things because I’ve experienced it on both ends. So you could say I do get “offended” so to speak but it’s more so triggered which is completely different. But I still have to let that shit go because I can’t control other people. It’s definitely been a tough thing to learn is that I can only really control myself so I try my best not to try to control others. I’m sure you can understand that to some degree. 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    2. Totally agreed 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. I see triggers vs over-sensitivity in completely different lights 😘. Triggers (to me) are involuntary; whereas over-sensitivity/easily offended (to me) is more of a choice. I do believe that there are some concepts that human beings *should* be offended by 😊. I think that’s because I, too, have been on both sides 😁. We’re totally on the same page, luv! I love how you express my own thoughts so well 😉.

                      👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❣☮❤️💛💚

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                2. No worries, my lovely! Please feel free to jump in anywhere anytime 😊😊. I hear you – I have quite a few triggers myself and I don’t begrudge anyone their missteps or their sensitivities 😊. I’m not too easily offended; I found life much easier when I learned to let certain things roll off. That was a learned skill though! Luckily I don’t have *too* many common triggers. And yeah, I’ve been known to use “brother”, “sister” (as well as their short forms), “man”/”dude” (with either gender lol). Thank you so much for adding your voice! I think that a variety of viewpoints enrich everybody 👏🏼👍🏼💞💜

                  Liked by 1 person

                  1. No problem at all! I tend to stay quiet most of the time but there are times when I like to put in my input. Back and forth convo generally can be tough for me so I just vlog, write, rant, and rave about myself going on tangents lol..but that’s me and I wouldn’t want to change it for the world. It’s the easiest way I communicate and I know I’m doing it right now while replying to these comments. If I didn’t then I would be using too much of my energy which I don’t have a whole lot of at the moment. :p

                    Liked by 1 person

                    1. It’s so awesome other autistic people can usually understand that. Most people think it means I lack empathy which is bullshit! BTW…I want you to know what you wrote here is my absolute favorite of yours so far. Words can not describe. I couldn’t find the comment button at the time though only replying to others and then got distracted by the awesome back and forth you were having. 😀 haha

                      Liked by 1 person

                    2. Oh and so sorry if this bothered you utahan15 with all the notifications you are probably getting from this! And now I’m sending you another one! LOL…oh well, not sure what you get annoyed by and do want to respect that so at any point just say “STOP” or don’t ever reply to one of my comments ever again and I will totally understand and try to remember to back off even though I have a terrible memory.

                      Liked by 1 person

  1. Good morning, you. 🙂

    How’ve you been the past few weeks? Missed you lots!

    This is so heartfelt and beautifully vulnerable. It makes me wish the underlying stuff didn’t have to be there….

    Wishing you lots of love and happy today.

    💕❤️🎶😊

    JM

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautiful Laina:) YOU ARE BEST! Forget better 🙂 and plz don’t be someone, just be you
    As keep stating
    ‘NO ONE IS YOU AND THAT IS YOUR POWER’
    Lots of love and hugs for such a wonderful peice..jay:)

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Someone Better can’t be you. The imagined Someone Better we’ve all (?) created to soothe our souls from the well-meaning, (and not so well-meaning) people in our worlds, can’t be you. I feel sorry for Someone Better because Actually You is someone I love, relate to, and am pleased to call a sister. You’ve grown so much since you wrote this beautiful poem. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow! I don’t kno what you were dealing with when you wrote this. But my goodness! I can relate! That’s how I used to feel in my marriage until 2013 or so. About the time you wrote this, that’s when I started to get out of the fog.

    No one understands how it is like to feel that way unless they had experienced it themselves. So difficult to explain, and you have done so beautifully!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so kindly, my lovely! Your words are so wise and true 😍❤️. I’m so happy for you that you found your way through the mist and out into the clearing 🤗. I can only imagine the strength it took and the pain you went through, and you made it! Kudos to you, girl 👍🏼💓💓

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, Laina! Still fighting it, every day. There are days when I think I don’t have any more strength left. But I look at my daughter and I find my strength again.

        I guess I’m just stubborn and I do not want to give him the pleasure of seeing me weak and lost. But believe me, I had my days when I had not a gram of strength left in me. I had to really pull myself hard when all I wanted to do was bury my head in a pillow and cry until there were no more tears left.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You are epic, Maria 👏🏼👏🏼. Stubbornness gets a bad rap; but I think it can actually help us, in so many ways. Whatever you have to do, say, or use to get through what you’ve faced, I say go for it. You’re preserving yourself and your daughter, and that’s what counts 👍🏼. Keep going, girl. Each day (hopefully) puts more and more distance between yourself and that awful head-game-player ❤️❤️❤️

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