Of machine and human 

There was a time, over half my life ago, that I wanted to be machine. Not a machine, necessarily, but Machine.  Interacting–or my meager attempts to–with the people around me sent me the undeniable message that I did not belong amongst humans.

Not having known that there were others out there who are similar, I simply felt as though I were standing on the edge of an island, or perhaps the moon, looking out into an eternal abyss.  There was Them, and there was Me.  I didn’t belong with Them–that much I knew.

Given that the people around me were my only known examples of humanity, and given the fact that I felt alienated from them, I used deductive reasoning to calculate that I would be better off as Non-Human.  The antithesis of human was Machine.  Therefore, that must be my answer.

Yet, I had many traits of being human.  I had all the necessary parts and elements.  Except for one thing: that being human was uncomfortable.  A human is expected to do human things and interact with other humans.  And I was having a surprisingly difficult time doing this.

Of course, I didn’t like my humanness.  I didn’t appreciate having biological needs (like eating and sleeping) and emotional vulnerabilities (like being hurt by rejection or teasing or abandonment or criticism).  I hated the part of me that craved human connection and got burned when it didn’t materialize.

To be machine, therefore, would be to take the easy way out, but I saw no shame in that.  I only saw insurmountable difficulties and personal challenges when I tried to do what came effortlessly to others.  With machines, the picture was simpler, the interactions drama-free, the cause and effect perfect.  The scripts were clean and predictable.

I wished I didn’t need a hug or validation or praise or recognition or social contact.  I hated being sensitive.  I hated being different, and I tried on many costumes–external and internal–to hide my spongy insides.  I despised my weaknesses, my feelings, my wants, and the risks I was willing to take to get those human needs met.

The world can be vampiric.  And I couldn’t stand being drained.  I wanted to be a maze of ABS plastic and metal, with electric current that held up as long as I was plugged in.

Now, I have been shown a third way.  It’s no longer a question of being human or machine; I can be both, with more emphasis on what I had found so difficult and treacherous before: human.  Because now I’m not necessarily alone on an island anymore.  I’ve realized that I haven’t been marooned by life, the universe, and everything after all. I’ve been shown an explanation of who I am and for why I am the way I am.  Life, it seems, is not entirely binary.

My kind of human is valid.  And I think I’m starting to get comfortable with it.

***

(Image Credit: Awaissoft)

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49 Comments

  1. Beautiful, relatable words, my friend. I know this feeling so well. What an amazing discovery it is to know we are not alone on the island, that our human experience is valid. 😊💓💓💓😘

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I just wanna go back in time and hug the crap out of younger you! I wanna let you know weird, eccentric, different, Aspie/autistic isnt bad and you are perfect just the way you are!
    How do any of us survive our childhoods? I guess it just shows how strong we really are💪👊💞💓💓💞💥💫✨🌠🌟🌈🌸🌺🌼🌻💌💟💌❣

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Damn straight, my Dearest Dude!! 😘😘😘. Omg same here – I want to hug the crap out of your younger self (and your current self, too, for that matter! 😉😘). How did we survive? Awesome question, Cosmic Sis! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. I have no earthly clue. I still look back and go “*damn*” lol. Because it was rough as hell, for tons of us, I’m sure! 💕☮💝💜💙💚💛❤️💟🍻🙌🏼💪🏼🏆🏅🎗🚀

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This was so beautifully expressed. To suffer and not know why is excruciating. Knowing what is wrong doesn’t change the condition, but it certainly lifts a burden no one should have to carry. You ARE beautiful just the way you are! And not only are you not alone, you are letting others know that they are not alone!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your beautiful, encouraging words, my lovely! ❤️. Yes, absolutely! Burden lifted, mystery solved 😁. If there’s anything I’ve learned from this journey so far, it’s that each of us is exactly who and how we’re supposed to be and that no matter how odd or weird or alone anyone may believe they are, the truth is that they’re probably not 💖🌟💖

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Well-written post as always. But this is one issue where I can’t wholeheartedly say “me too”. I never felt I was different from the rest of humanity. I never felt like I was on the wrong planet. No “I knew I was different from (insert early age here)” for me. Why? I don’t know. Yes, okay, to some extent I was different. I was into things nobody else was into. My empathy worked differently. I was bullied.Yes, I did identify with Mr Spock and later with Data. But on the whole I always thought of myself as just another variety of human. Also, within my family my way of being was not considered to be out of the ordinary. Probably worth exploring in a post of my own some day. Perhaps I just got lucky?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, dear one! ❤️. I’m so glad that you *can’t* relate to this one 😘. We all have different experiences, after all, and that’s perfectly ok 🙌🏼. Lucky? Maybe so! Although, we all face different challenges, so I think it all balances out in the end 💗. After hearing several cool people mention Data and Mr Spock, I totally feel compelled to check out Star Trek! I’ve actually never seen it beyond the bits and pieces I would catch in passing. You’re inspiring me as we speak 😁. I figured I was part machine misplaced in a human body, although there were parts of me that made me human, and those parts seemed to work against me, so I would have preferred to erase them at the time. Now that I’ve discovered my truth, however, and figured out where I fit in this world, the scene has changed dramatically, as have my feelings about it 😁👍🏼
      🌟💚💙💜💖

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well, lots of people like Star Trek and lots of people don’t. I do, but I guess you have to check it out for yourself. 🖖🏼
        I think my parents and siblings have quite a few autistic traits between them even if they’re maybe not actually autistic. As my sister likes to say “something doesn’t come from nothing” 😄

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Well written! I wish I could have read your words when I grew up. I almost always felt wrong and didn’t know how to handle it. Now when I’m a grown up I’ve learned to be me and I don’t care if I’m wrong in other people’s eyes. That took forever to learn.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hello Laina! As always with a great pleasure an many thanks for your blogged words. Have a nice weekend ahead. Today we got a visit from Murphy of “Murphys Law”. He brought us a dive-by infection, and we were a long time not able to use the system for reblogging ;-( But we cought an eliminate him. LOL 😉 Michael

        Liked by 1 person

  6. This is really well written, thank you.
    It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot myself recently actually. I’m an computer scientist and mathematician, so I’ve always thought along these lines. The weird thing was not that I was like this, it was when I discovered the rest of the world wasn’t. I don’t think I’ve come to terms with that yet, but you are absolutely right – there is a “third way”, and it’s our own personal way. Make the world fit around you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! 😊. Fellow (former) computer science major here 😁. I think it often takes time for many to come to terms with being different; I know that it did for me. It came in waves that ebbed and flowed 💙. Reaching this third way took me about a year and a half, if it’s even complete yet; I’m never 100% sure 😉. Hopefully your process is more efficient than mine but meh, there’s no one right way, nor is there a single “optimal” timeframe 😉💗

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m still following you 🙂 but soo many are missing. And I don’t have the memory to find them!!!! And I’m not supposed to look back on my blog because it will give me memories I don’t remember. Hopefully those who were following me will comment and I change get them back. Already hav found 3 by comments

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Um YESSSSS but geez that would be time consuming for you. But any help you want to give me I sure would appreciate !!!!! There are only 1000 missing!!!!!! No biggie. Just a 1000.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Synchronicity strikes again.

    Reading your post while watching Star Trek Voyager.
    The episode focusing on children who were assimilated
    by the Borg, later liberated by the Voyager crew, dealing
    with finding their place & being re-united again with their
    families, cultures & finding their new place within them.

    The world is such a harsh, alienating place, now more than
    ever. It is no wonder so many people find solace in escapism.
    In the not so distant future if consciousness is fully digitized
    who knows what new paradigm shifts will be faced.

    It is interesting that some AI experiments with personality
    have better manners than most people, & will never forget
    a detail you communicate with it. In some ways it can be
    a better confidant than any person could be. I think there
    will be a lot of humanness we will be learning & vice versa.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg! Talk about synchronicity 😁. I was just thinking *today* about how I never really got into Star Trek before, and I’m really thinking I should, because I feel that without it, something valuable is missing in my life 💟.

      I agree with you wholeheartedly, with your entire comment, especially the world being such a harsh place. I find it so brash and obnoxious, crammed full of unnecessary antics and contesting. Ugh. Escapism is definitely where it’s at! Such relief, especially in the healthier methods–meditation, music, exercise, reading, learning, video gaming, etc. I even consider natural substances to be healthy. MJ, peyote, etc. Why not 😁. I’ve never done them but I’m open-minded about them. Much better than sniping at each other or trolling or bullying or self-destructing to try to relieve the pressure 💜💜.

      If people like you are into Star Trek, then that clinches it! I’m going to try to find some on the cable system this weekend 😁💙🌟💓📹📺🔮💌💝☮💕☯

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, Voyager is probably my favorite, the episode on is Season 6 Ep 20
        “Good Shepherd” Jeri Ryan plays Seven of Nine, who Voyager frees
        from the Borg Collective. Her acting is so amazing, also Captain Janeway
        who takes Seven under her wing and is like a surrogate mother.

        Funnily enough on Fox, there is a new show called The Orville, created
        by Seth McFarlane (of Family Guy/ American Dad) It is VERY Star Trek,
        with a bit of a comedy inflection but I just watched an episode and it is
        very clever, & nuanced. I though it would be “taking the piss” out of the
        genre but I found it to be respectful. Also The Gifted is starting on FOX
        on the 2nd of October, which is set in the Marvel X-Men universe.

        The X-Men have always been the home of neurodivergence, so it will
        be exciting to see how well this adaptation of young mutants will go.
        Professor Xavier was always a big inspiration, and it was so bizarre
        Patrick Stewart played as both Xavier and Captain Picard on Star Trek.

        My anxiety got so bad especially Jr/ Sr year in HS. Discovering MJ was
        definitely a lifesaver. Thankfully times are a changing. Hopefully in
        the next decade we will start to get medical trials to discover all the
        benefits that natural medicines can provide for all types of people.
        It is a strange world we live in where some fields are progressing so
        quickly while others are impeded & deliberately stonewalled. The great
        future I envisioned for now will have to remain safely inside my head.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I just discovered a great blog on Youtube called AFFECTED COLLECTIVE,
        some really fascinating videos on consciousness, quantum reality, & AI.
        Also NEW THINKING ALLOWED, with Dr. Mishlove on Parapsychology. 💓

        Liked by 1 person

          1. I hope all is well on the western front 😉
            Both channels have very uplifting, thought provoking content.
            I find it impossible to watch main stream media or news these
            days. It is nice to find creators that still pushing boundaries of
            our perceived world views & experiences. Have a great weekend. 💓

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Absolutely, hear hear! 👏🏼👏🏼. What refreshing finds 😊. I, too, stay far away from mainstream media, as I find it to be stress-inducing, manufactured, and insidious-agenda-promoting. I’m all for uplifting and thought-provoking instead! 😁
              Have a wonderful weekend, too, dear one! 🌟💗☮🌈✨

              Liked by 1 person

  9. I really dig this BLOG; I’m glad you found that side of you — the choice of human characteristics and knowing that you have some kind of connection to the world around you should you choose to have one.

    I found the human side of me, as well; though, I choose not to be emotionally connected to the general population; because, I choose not to have sympathy for mankind — through my human connections in my past, I realized, like you in your journey and transformation, I don’t like people as a whole. I don’t like the way we behave to one another; and, I especially don’t like the way we’ve treated animals.

    I prefer the company of animals on a secluded island over the company of people on a secluded island. During my survival training, I was left alone for two weeks; and, I was in pure bliss; but, that was two weeks — don’t know if I can handle eternity — maybe…maybe not.

    I guess my journey was the opposite of yours…you were a machine that became human; I, on the other hand, was human that beginning to transform into a machine. I don’t know the path of my journey…all I know is the Trinity is teaching me stuff as I go through this transition — maybe, I need to become a machine and lose touch with all things human in order to appreciate and desire the want and need to become human again.

    I don’t know; but, I do know I enjoyed reading this BLOG; because, I can relate to it on the flip side of your journey.

    I am happy you came to a new level of understanding through your transformation.

    /s/ Alfonso Faustino

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love your comment! The whole thing. I can absolutely relate to all you said. I think our stories are very similar 😊. I was on the verge of trying to become more machine-like, because I couldn’t handle being human. Eventually, I was able to come back from the edge. But I still struggle, and with many of the same things you mentioned–especially the treatment of animals and each other. Omg that gets me. I can’t write about what happened in Las Vegas because of it. I teeter back and forth between hating the world in general, and aching/crying inside for it. It’s an uncomfortable dichotomy 💞. I definitely prefer the company of animals; my cats (and dogs, back when we had them) are a Judgment-Free Zone. They don’t care if my hair is messy or not. They don’t raise an eyebrow if I wear the same clothes as I did yesterday. They don’t judge me if I’m having a bad day or if I don’t have the energy to work very hard 💜

      The survival training sounds fantastic!! I’ve always wanted to do something like that 👍🏼

      It’s very nice to meet you, Alfonso! 🌟🌟

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi, Laina.

        You’re the only one that truly understands all that I’m going through right now; and, I feel so relieved and happy. I’ve been really in a confused and depressed place, as I change from human to machine, which is a process I never experienced; but, I trust the Trinity’s journey for me; so, I must go through it.

        I believe the Trinity brought me to your BLOG to help me understand all that’s going on with me right now; because, you have been through it and have become wiser because of it all; so, I learn from you.

        I wish you and I were at a cafe having a glass of iced tea, so we can talk more about it rather than being restricted to the binary code of ASCII in translating keystrokes to letters.

        Yes, I love wearing the same clothes and at times not shaving and coming my hair; but, because of my work as an actor, I’m unable to because of auditions and the television pilot I’m on working on right now.

        I miss my dog, cat, horse, and iguana. I miss the unconditional love from them, which is the reason I love all animals — i’ve engaged with almost every animal on earth; and, I know they are all intelligent and thinking beings; we, mankind, have no right to do the stuff we do to them; and, that kills my heart the most.

        Like you, I feel terrible for the victims of this senseless act of violence; and, at the same time, it doesn’t move me in the same way I feel when I see the countless killings of dolphins and sharks in Japan and China — those events strike harder to my entire hear, mind, and soul than Vegas, Katrina, and so on.

        You are an wonderful and insightful writer — I just get lost in the way you put your words together and the way you describe things that are so simple in life with a sense of wonderment and beauty and a gentle analytic prose.

        Survival training fit me so well; because, I’m a loner, and I am disconnected in many ways to mankind; so, when I’m out there in the wilderness, I feel bonded to nature and the animals that I encounter — wolves, coyotes, dolphins, fish, birds, monkeys, chimps, snakes, whatever…I respect them and the balance life they live.

        It’s such a pleasant gift from the Trinity to have met you, Laina. Thank you, so much, for your BLOG; and, thank you for living — your life helps all of us that makes contact with you.

        /s/ Alfonso Faustino

        Liked by 1 person

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