11/7/2017

(Content Advisory: sadness, grief, brief mention of ideation)

I’m here, my lovelies โค

It’s been a hell of a past few days, but I’m still standing, dammit ๐Ÿ˜‰

I’m not abandoning you, I promise.

My partner has confessed to me that he’s going through a Midlife Crisis, which has taken some energy to deal with.  He’s also going through a streak of depression that I suspect is heavier than he’s letting on.  I think we both are.  But in my case, Because Alexithymia.  On one hand, it confers protection against the full brunt of the emotions involved.  On the other, it merely delays them, and my ability to process them.

Emotions these days.

So I’ve been dealing with that, my best friend whose mom who is on her deathbed, trying to maintain connections with friends, trying to stave off the darkest of ideations, and trying to ensure our long-term survival.

It’s a hell of a to-do list.  But somehow I manage.

As I mentioned, my best girlfriend from childhood, G, is facing the eminent passing of her mother, J.  J has been fighting pancreatic cancer for more than two years already, and has recently been moved to hospice care.  The hospice staff has given her about a week left.

And when hospice care gives timetables, they’re usually spot-on.  They mean it.  The Big Clock ticks.

Death in my life has always come in threes.  This is Number 2.  You can imagine that I’m more than a little nervous.  

Obviously, the Empath Bells are sounding alarms in my head.  Hyper-empathy can suck.  But at least nobody can say I don’t have it.  โค

I’m going to be OK.  I pray and send strong virtual hugs to G and J and their whole family, and in the end, they’ll be OK, too.

I’ll go be with G at Christmas time.  This is her first death-in-the-family of a close family member, and I can see around some corners she hasn’t yet had to.  After someone you love dies, that first family-oriented holiday especially sucks.  It’s empty and sad.

G and I always look forward to getting together near Christmas.  If I can fly there then, this might give her an albeit small consolation prize to look forward to.  It probably won’t be much.  But at least it’s something.

My partner booked my ticket today.

Until then, I’ll use my last ounces of strength to support her and her family.  She needs them more than I do.  I can recharge, and I will eventually; she’s chronically ill on top of all this.

Sending so many positive and healing thoughts to her and anyone else who could use them right now โค

I’m still here โค

(I’m writing this on my mobile, so if the image size/quality sucks, I’ll fix it as soon as I can.)

(And once I have the energy, I’ll also write that fourth and final “Me Too” post I’ve promised.)

โค

โค

โค

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73 Comments

  1. Sending huge hugs to you, your partner, your best friend, and her family โ™ฅ I hear you about empathy taking our energy… Yet we don’t know any other way to be! You are a beautiful light to be going there to provide support and for all you do for us here in blogland. Thanks for checking in xx

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you dear one! ๐Ÿ˜˜โค๏ธ. She (and they, and I) all appreciate your hugs so much ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ. I also treasure your kind words ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—

      Liked by 2 people

  2. (((((Laina))))) I’m so sorry for your friend and her family. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ โค You've got lots going on, and I hope you're able to recharge *enough* in ways that are truly helpful. I hope your partner's midlife crisis resolves with minimal damage, and that you can get through okay. Sending lots of love and strength and support your way. โค

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so kindly, my dear friend ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜โค๏ธ. So awesome to see you again!! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž. I hope you’ve been well! Thank you for your support and caring ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’–. I’m managing; we’ll all get through our shizz ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“

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  3. I’m so sorry to hear all this, sweetie. Its hard to watch others you love suffering or with loved ones who do. I struggle with my own empathy a lot, too. Take extra care of yourself right now. You need something soothing for a while to take your mind off things. Lots of love and warm fuzzies x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Awww, thank you so much for your lovely comment ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—. You’re absolutely right; your wise advice is very kind and very well taken ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ’ž. Last night after writing this I went and played some music and sang along, really belting it out (sorry neighbors lol). And then I promptly fell asleep reading blogs under my weighted blanket ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‰โค๏ธ. Lots of warm fuzzies to you, too! ๐Ÿ˜˜โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh sweet Laina — I wish I could say something that would lighten your load – or had a magic wand that would give you the strength to carry it more easily. All I can do is tell you I’m with you in spirit, that I’m sorry this is a rough time for you,and encourage you to take good care of YOU as you wait for the storms to pass.

    DO up the sleep if you can – lots of healing and processing happens when we sleep.
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
    ADD/EFD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
    “It takes a village to transform a world!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, dear-dear friend ๐Ÿ˜˜โค๏ธ. Yep, I fell asleep before 10p last night and didn’t wake up until 6am ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ’“. That weighted blanket does *wonders*! ๐Ÿ˜. Thank you very very much for your support and caring ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you ๐Ÿ˜. Me too ๐Ÿ˜‰. The weight on top is very nice ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ. I thought it would be hot in summer but it turned out to be ok (!). The blanket doesn’t trap too much heat ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Believe me, I GET it!

            When I lived in an apt. with better wiring (still no central air, but able to run more than one window unit, so bedroom and home office for me), I was one of those folks who slept with the AC on in the winter with the ceiling fan going full blast — so that I could have my heavy blanket on top of me (heat defensive).
            xx,
            mgh

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Lol oh yeah ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ. I wait until the last minute to turn on the heat ๐Ÿ˜. I don’t like stagnant air, but also can’t have any strong currents blowing on me lol. But yeah, I’ve always needed the weight of something on me; that blanket is a total godsend, and I have no idea how I got through so much of my life without it lol ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‚. Which is funny because I used to be heat-tolerant and cold-sensitive, but now I’m the opposite lol ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐ŸŒท๐ŸŒบ๐ŸŒธ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Oddly, I don’t like strong currents blowing straight AT me (like floor fans), but ceiling fans work for me. As to temperature, I seem to need a range somewhere between 68-74 to be comfortable without HAVING to add or remove clothing, etc. to regulate my internal temperature. No surprise that I prefer cold surroundings and avoid hot ones – easier to regulate with clothing etc.!
                xx,
                mgh

                Liked by 1 person

                1. Yeah! Dressing in layers, to ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐ŸŒบ. I wish I could do ceiling fans! About all I can handle is the A/C current lol ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‚. Your range is similar to mine! I’m high-maintenance though lol – I need about 70-73; any colder and I get cold; any warmer and I’m tossing off the blankets lol ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚. I love it chilly outside; I think South Texas is probably wrong for me but I do love it here lol ๐Ÿ˜˜โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’œ

                  Liked by 1 person

                    1. Yeah we’re starting to think New Mexico if we ever find ourselves at another crossroads lol. I need the DRY ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰. NOLA is basically a jungle! Lol. I admire you for being able to withstand it ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

                      Liked by 1 person

  5. Sending my very best wishes to you, your best friend and her mum, your partner… I know I can’t say anything to make the situation any better, nor to ease your emotional turmoil right now, but I’m glad you have a ticket booked for that get together. Hugs and love xx
    Caz

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so kindly, Caz ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜. There’s no way around it but through it, right? And hopefully the adage “that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is true ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’š

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, my lovely ๐Ÿ˜˜โค๏ธ. Honestly I feel like a dud because there’s nothing I can do; I want to fix it ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜ฐ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—. But your words are reassuring to me and I really appreciate them ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’™

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    1. Thank you very much, my pretty ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜. I think on some level, I have. But there are parts of my battery that I can recharge, so I’m doing that ๐Ÿ˜โค๏ธ. Burnout sucks, and I hit mine probably 6 months ago; but I’m taking some serious self-care measures, and they’re getting me along pretty well ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ. I don’t know if or when I’ll get my “root mojo” back, but I’m definitely keeping my day-to-day mojo sufficient. On the plus side, I’m sleeping better lol ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜˜. Thank you so much for caring ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’—

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  6. Itโ€™s a hard thing to go through, I hope nobody else close to you passes away soon. Those 3โ€™s are a killer! Iโ€™m at 2 myself this year and itโ€™s possible another will fall before the holidays. Stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, my lovely! โค๏ธ. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses this year ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’ž. That’s a really rough year! I hope everyone else close to you hangs in there ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜. Strength to you, dear one ๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“

      Liked by 1 person

    1. No worries, my lovely, you are always always entitled to feel what you feel about your own situation ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜. I said something similar to a counselor a while back, and he said, “stop right there ๐Ÿ˜Š; you have the right to feel the weight of your situation no matter what it is, and who’s to say whose situations are heavier than others? Everybody’s got different abilities to handle different loads at different times, so go ahead and just feel what you feel.” So, I didn’t feel so sheepish after that ๐Ÿ˜Šโค๏ธ. He said it with all the kindness, empathy, and compassion possible. I really appreciated him saying that. Things could always be worse, and things could always be better ๐Ÿ˜˜. Life is always at varying points in between, I guess ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’š

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m sending lots of slow, safe hugs that last until you can feel them. Don’t forget to rock yourself whenever possible (assuming this is comforting to you, too.) It’s my favorite (semi) stealth tool when doing other things while heavy hearted. It helps to wear headphones, I think. You’re not alone, beautiful sister. ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน. Thank you so much, Wiser Sister! ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒบ. I dig hugs a lot ๐Ÿ˜. And yep, rocking is soothing, and headphones rock! I also have a soft spot in my heart for my weighted blanket and also the kitties at night ๐Ÿ˜˜. And of course, my WP lovelies!! ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’—. Y’all give me so much strength and love that it’s not even funny ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿค—๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’—๐ŸŒท๐ŸŒบ๐ŸŒธ

      Liked by 1 person

  8. OMG, my current weighted blanket is what I sleep with every night I sleep. I gotta link the store because it’s the best one I’ve ever had, and I’ve gone through seven so far. http://www.redbarnblankets.com. I got this Inside Out material on one side, and a matching navy fuzzy side. It’s love at first night. My cat has a weighted blanket too, and she’s possessive of it, which greatly amuses and delights me. Mwah!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I was JUST thinking about you last night wondering how you were doing.
    Being an empath is a LOT of emotion and love for another. It is so hard to not feel it in your own body as well and taking in all of that grief and sadness that someone else has plus your own can be very heavy. But to love like that is quite a gift.
    I’m so sorry that you and your partner are having depression.
    Depression is so hard for me to cope with. I imagine it is for everyone. I’m glad you have each other to be honest with and there for.
    I’m so sorry to hear that’s someone you love will be passing soon. My heart goes out to you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, my dear dear friend! ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜โค๏ธ. Your support and caring are like warm gentle arms around me/us ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž. I found out through Facebook that another friend (not as close, but still ๐Ÿ’™) just lost her cancer battle, too. My friend’s mom’s passing will make 3 cancer deaths in my relatively small circle in 5 months ๐Ÿ˜ฐ. This cancer stuff and how it’s “treated” is getting ridiculous, but that’s another rant for another time ๐Ÿ’—.

      Yep, the empath thing is both a blessing and a curse โค๏ธ. It’s a gift to feel so strongly and be able to relate, and it can also hurt so much ๐ŸŒบ. It’s what I’ve got, though, so I’ll take it. Everything happens for a reason, right? ๐ŸŒท๐ŸŒท

      Thank you very very much; I can’t express how much your kindness means to me ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“

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      1. You said three. And there are now three. Wow. I have heard that things like this come in threes. Sometimes 3 days. 3 weeks. 3 months. I think that is true.
        Empath is a blessing and a curse but I like the blessing part. Gives me insight into something I would never know otherwise. A true knowledge of someone else’s pain. And although it hurts like hell I can give love that comes from a true place of knowing. I know you do the same. Sending lots of love and hugs to all of you!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you so very much, my pretty ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’™. Yes, you are completely right ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ. The pain we feel comes from a place of knowing, and it follows the old adage “it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” or something like that ๐Ÿ˜‰. I really do like the blessing part as well ๐ŸŒบ๐ŸŒบ. And yes, the ability to know another’s pain, too, to be able to really be there with them ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

          Yep, over the past 15 years or so of my life, death has happened in threes, usually 3 loved ones within a year and a half or less. Once it was 6 months; another time it was about a year. I’ll keep my eye out for the other threes, too – 3 days, weeks, months, etc ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’—.

          Sending you much love and hugs, too! ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž๐ŸŒท๐Ÿ’š๐ŸŒท

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  10. I hope things get easier, more manageable and happier for you,my new friend. Also, that things get better with your life partner and your good friend whose mother is dying. . . So much on your plate, Soto speak. ๐Ÿ’ž ๐Ÿ’ ๐Ÿ’ฎ

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, dear one ๐Ÿ˜˜. She passed yesterday morning, and my friend will definitely appreciate your warm healing thoughts ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž. I’m passing on to her everything that y’all say so that she knows just how many people care ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’œ

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      1. Oh, so sorry for the loss of someone close to you and your friend. May her new life be blessed with no pain and much joy. . . ๐ŸŒˆ ๐Ÿ’ž ๐Ÿ™
        May her heart ease knowing the pain and suffering are over finally, even if too soon. . . ๐Ÿ’•

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh my, Laina! Try more relaxing and less stress. . . I’m going to be 62 and wish in the next year to find a less heavy work schedule and a possible male friend who would be kind and hold my hand. Simple wishes but I am very lucky to have grown children and grandchildren, too.
        Take care, Laina! xo ๐Ÿ’–

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh yeah ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž. I take full advantage of my weekends these days (I did not used to at all lol). And I pretty much work only half-days at the office ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ’“. 62, how cool! I love your simple wishes ๐Ÿ˜˜. That’s one thing I’ve learned/am learning as I get older (just turned 40, so still a long way to go lol) – keeping life simple, keeping goals realistic, and staying out of the drama ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—. Take care of You too! โค๏ธโค๏ธ

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