11/7/2017

(Content Advisory: sadness, grief, brief mention of ideation)

I’m here, my lovelies ❤

It’s been a hell of a past few days, but I’m still standing, dammit 😉

I’m not abandoning you, I promise.

My partner has confessed to me that he’s going through a Midlife Crisis, which has taken some energy to deal with.  He’s also going through a streak of depression that I suspect is heavier than he’s letting on.  I think we both are.  But in my case, Because Alexithymia.  On one hand, it confers protection against the full brunt of the emotions involved.  On the other, it merely delays them, and my ability to process them.

Emotions these days.

So I’ve been dealing with that, my best friend whose mom who is on her deathbed, trying to maintain connections with friends, trying to stave off the darkest of ideations, and trying to ensure our long-term survival.

It’s a hell of a to-do list.  But somehow I manage.

As I mentioned, my best girlfriend from childhood, G, is facing the eminent passing of her mother, J.  J has been fighting pancreatic cancer for more than two years already, and has recently been moved to hospice care.  The hospice staff has given her about a week left.

And when hospice care gives timetables, they’re usually spot-on.  They mean it.  The Big Clock ticks.

Death in my life has always come in threes.  This is Number 2.  You can imagine that I’m more than a little nervous.  

Obviously, the Empath Bells are sounding alarms in my head.  Hyper-empathy can suck.  But at least nobody can say I don’t have it.  ❤

I’m going to be OK.  I pray and send strong virtual hugs to G and J and their whole family, and in the end, they’ll be OK, too.

I’ll go be with G at Christmas time.  This is her first death-in-the-family of a close family member, and I can see around some corners she hasn’t yet had to.  After someone you love dies, that first family-oriented holiday especially sucks.  It’s empty and sad.

G and I always look forward to getting together near Christmas.  If I can fly there then, this might give her an albeit small consolation prize to look forward to.  It probably won’t be much.  But at least it’s something.

My partner booked my ticket today.

Until then, I’ll use my last ounces of strength to support her and her family.  She needs them more than I do.  I can recharge, and I will eventually; she’s chronically ill on top of all this.

Sending so many positive and healing thoughts to her and anyone else who could use them right now ❤

I’m still here ❤

(I’m writing this on my mobile, so if the image size/quality sucks, I’ll fix it as soon as I can.)

(And once I have the energy, I’ll also write that fourth and final “Me Too” post I’ve promised.)

❤

❤

❤