Fingers [autistic poetry]

I’ve often been inspired to “rewrite” my own “lyrics” to other peoples’ songs.  I’ve been doing this practically my whole life, and my mom did it once, too.  We’ve been around this block before on this blog 😉 and I think it might be time for another go-round.  The song in question this time is “Uneasy” by Laika (link to YouTube track with static image), a college/university-radio trip-hop, deliciously evasive and maneuvering, with a calm, sultry voice singing resigned words.

My own “lyrics” to this song don’t fit exactly, but with a listen and a read-through, you can probably guess where I’m going and how it is.  An artistic rendition, if you will, of a push-back/resistance against the chronic bullying I endured for years.  The piece itself was written in December 2005.  ❤

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I disappoint you
You trouble me
I annoy you
You give up on me
I’ve dusted the earth, plodded through rain
When will you learn if I can’t explain?
I’ve trudged up the hill, climbed to the top
Collapsed and prayed for it to stop

I could write books on what I’ve learned since then
Resting cuz I’ll never endure that again
I’ve grown up into my own person
Ears open to selectively listen
Cold wind blew me away
I’m miles from there today
The years eventually melt away
I don’t think much about it these days

I try to join you
You pick on me
I’m fodder for you
You taunt me
I trusted you, sure, while crying like rain
Oh how I wish you felt this pain
I’ve given it all, my best of shots
Always a member of the Popular-Nots

I could write books on what I’ve learned since then
Fingers pointed laughing at me time and again
I’ve grown up to be bigger than you
Ever hope to be in your little igloo*
Cold hearts threw me away
I’ve come so far today
The years dissolve away
I refuse to think about it much these days

I don’t need you
You can try me
I won’t feed you
Just give up on me
Dust in my eyes, God(dess)’s name in vain
I learned long ago to convert the pain
I’ve conquered the hill, collapsed at the top
Brimming with gratitude that it finally stopped

I could write books on what I’ve learned since then
Although I’ll never know everything
I’ve grown up beyond you
Ever could be in your cesspool
Cold hands pushed me away
But warm winds blow strong today
I’ve got so much further to go anyway
I hardly remember you these days

Do you feel false?
Or sleasy?
Fading fast?
Try and tease me
Fingers pointing…
But not at me.

*(symbolic, not literal)

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