The sun shines in October [autistic creative writing]

Hi my lovelies!  I’m not sure what’s up with my brain lately, but I’m thinking there’s a thyroid issue.

Thyroids these days…

Anyway, I’m sort of kicking back this evening, entering some (very) old creative writing pieces into my creative writing blog (which isn’t always sophisticated and pretty; many pieces come from my volatile adolescence which was…sometimes frightening, but I digress….), and anyway, I came across one piece in particular that I wrote when I was 16.  It describes various aspects of my earlier childhood, in pure, raw form, without any masking at all.  It’s a free-verse rambling session that strings together phrases I used to say, activities I used to have, imaginary friends I used to talk to, and so on.  It’s kinda like a Full Confession, which is what it feels like to me to reveal myself this deeply.  (Spot the undiagnosed autistic girl!)  😉

And anyway, I thought that tonight, I’d share it with you.  Maybe some of y’all might see aspects of yourself in this, or maybe not; I share it here in case it resonates with anyone.  ❤

(Please don’t laugh too hard at me – I was just 16 when I wrote this and I’m talking about myself between ages 2-10 or so – I copied it verbatim without changing a thing.)  😉

(I’ll issue a Content Advisory: brief mentions of physical abuse by a babysitter)

What follows is 100% true, as is the way in which it flowed through my mind, skipping across surfaces, delving into crevices.  Everything here actually happened.  ❤


It’s opposite day do you want to do the circle thing here’s some corn soup cat scratched my beesting in august two years ago grounding cheerios into the carpet and I could get blamed colors all around a huge telephone the old fashioned ones you know?

there’s a hot-air balloon in a bright blue sky the sun shining behind me gloom gray clouds intertwined in a forest of oak trees mystery is the horizon beyond the blind happiness oblivious and stupid the horizon lies beyond the baby pines somewhere in the middle of the grown-up ones is where the beautiful dog lies under the tree stump in the back yard is where the older cat lies closer to the house was mine the one I would run after with my tew . . . bury my face in . . . walk around in circles . . . singing the songs I grew up with that gave me strange images even back then . . . when I didn’t know enough to talk . . . didn’t know enough to figure out where it was coming from . . . why it was there

the sun shines in october turning the green leaves brown high up above my second-story window the wind blows them makes them sway hard but they don’t come down yet they’re not ready to die . . . well I wasn’t either

I blow the feathers around in the tiny drawer . . . my face so close . . . they swirl fast in a circle . . . it makes me laugh . . . I scream like there’s no tomorrow . . . got to school when I was three . . . there was no one there . . . has never been . . . no-school forgotten–accidentally-(on-purpose?) used to be happy nothing affected me . . . oh well, things change . . . now I can’t take anything anymore . . . I’m so fragile . . . whatever happened???

used to sing to myself . . . used to be perfect . . . used to know everything . . . then I flunked a grade . . . don’t blame it on me, blame it on them THEY did it . . . THEY failed ME I was too smart for them and they didn’t know it . . . don’t remember things too clearly anymore . . . not at all like I used to . . . every little detail stored in my beautiful little mind . . . I’ll have it coming . . . I’ll be tortured later . . . when it all comes back to me . . . there is so much more . . . like the dreams of tornadoes . . . riding the stallion and flying . . . saving my sister from the swamp . . . swear the storm would eat her up . . . swallow her . . . never meant it that way . . . I’d like to think that I’d still do that now . . . I’m not invincible anymore . . .

didn’t have much to live for till sixth grade but I’d build with legos wanna make another town? this time we’ll take pictures we’ll show them to my teachers with whom I started to leave my mark with early I know they’d remember me they’d have no choice bet everyone has but I’m not going back I stole and lied and forgot . . . putting distance between me and everyone . . . never let anyone get close . . . can’t get hurt that way . . . it’d be too dangerous . . .

never went to church except sunday school where I broke the blue crayon we drew pictures and I drew my own thing always did starting with the parrot . . . that perfect parrot that I still remember today . . . it’s sort of a legend . . . black ink on my face and hands . . . one would wonder . . . people still do . . . they always will

I remember all the babysitters except the one that hit me in the face . . . the brain is so kind . . . the schizophrenic on t.v. said that . . . wonder what I’ll be like when the sun shines in october again . . . remember giving everyone a hard time making everyone cry . . . it was just too hard . .

ah, the snow banks and crystal mountain the imaginary indian friend who lived in the group of trees in our front yard we’d rake leaves and put them in a pile . . . made a small fort in the forest . . . carried a burning stick in first grade . . . teacher said I was stupid . . . never liked that one . . . but I took an interest in almost every other one I had . . . especially when the sun started to shine.


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This is one of my more popular posts!

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(Image Credit: Mario Sanchez Nevado)

 

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64 Comments

  1. I love this stream of consciousness and the way it exposes the workings and responses of your soul and mind deep inside. Its interesting as i was listening to a radio interview with a writer who had to read a letter he wrote out (he was about 18 when he wrote it) and he was apologising but it was a very revealing letter. Good on you for posting. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yep, there were some really good times for sure. Most of that was because my mom let me be who I was, especially when I was little. My dad was a different story; extremely volatile and irrational and gruff. That is pretty much healed now; I could finally stop being afraid of him when I was about 35-36. My mom is an amazing mom, and she is probably the reason I made it through my adolescence 😊💗💗

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I still play with Legos.. because they are awesome…

    a very different post from you and I liked it a lot.. I’m sure your thyroid is fine… you have been really busy lately… spending time with family is wonderful… but it is hardly a vacation… My nerves are always shot by the time I get done spending a week with my family and I love therm more than anything… even more so when I go to visit them…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, friend! I really appreciate your kind words. So happy you enjoyed the post! 🤗

      Yeah, my thyroid has been on a long, slow descent over the past 8-ish years; been watching it on labs, but never felt any of the symptoms before now. Haven’t had labs done in a while, though, so I’ll need to get those done soon 😊. There’s also the possibility of pesky adrenal hormones or estrogen and progesterone and whatnot. Testing those is tough for me, though (long story lol) 😉

      I totally hear you about nerves being shot! Good lord, mine get fried pretty easily, too. Especially with family, as much as I love them 💖

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Laina – just to let you know that I have nominated you a for a blogger recognition award: aspi.blog/2018/01/10/nominated-for-a-blogger-recognition-award/.

    requirements for participation:
    1. Show your gratitude to the person who nominated you and provide a link back to the person’s blog.
    2. Give a brief story on your blog.
    3. Share two or more pieces of advice for beginner bloggers.
    4. Choose 10 other bloggers to nominate.
    5. Comment on each blog, letting them know they’ve been nominated and provide a link to your award post.

    Thomas 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! Thank you so much! 🙂 My award catch-up is coming, I promise 🙂 I’m embarrassed to be so late with these; I’m sort of a perfectionist, wanting to make sure I have a big enough bolus of mental energy to put toward them (which has, alas, been in short supply these days – but I’m ramping back up!) 😀 ❤

      Like

  4. I have just been nominated for a blogger recognition award, and have in turn nominated you for one: https://stimtheline.wordpress.com/2018/01/12/blogger-recognition-award/
    The requirements for participation are:
    1. Show your gratitude to the person who nominated you and provide a link back to the person’s blog.
    2. Give a brief story on your blog.
    3. Share two or more pieces of advice for beginner bloggers.
    4. Choose 10 other bloggers to nominate.
    5. Comment on each blog, letting them know they’ve been nominated and provide a link to your award post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you my friend! I really appreciate this 🙂 My goal is to write some of these blog awards really soon! I’m sorry for the late reply; WP funneled this into my spam folder and I just now saw it and immediately fished it out ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Laina, to write the thoughts of your youngest age down is wonderful. This will always speak to you and trigger memories, both good and sad. I am glad your mother had the ability to show you love and acceptance. You deserve them always! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  6. 16? That is freaking incredible. I felt like I was floating on a balloon in a wonderland. It was awesome. Thank you for sharing it!!!!! Sharing that piece of your thoughts. Your brain is realllly cool

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi! 🙂 I hear you – I’ve been on WP for almost 7 years now, and I only recently started following blogs in the past couple of years. I didn’t have anything against following before, it just didn’t dawn on me that I could or should. (I was of the “old school” “bookmarking websites” mindset, so I would just bookmark the blogs I liked up until about, oh, 2015 lol.) 😉 I dig your writing! Extremely deep and interesting ❤

      Like

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