Adventures in awkward [autistic poetry]

Today was another day in which I felt inspired to “rewrite” my own “lyrics” to an existing song.  I’ve been working a lot, including most of the day today, and yet, an obscure little song whispered out to me, first nibbling around the edges, then growing more incessantly, until I got home this afternoon, at which point it consumed my core.

Today’s “lyrics” stem from the concept of my Asperger’s/autism and the ever-present reality of Overwhelm.  It’s a near-daily “adventure” (read: battle), especially when my energy supply has largely been depleted at work, I come home to a hollering elderly semi-senile kitty (whom I love dearly and am thoroughly dedicated to, but whose reality includes literally 15-18 feedings in a 24-hour period and a very mouthy nature), then not having quite enough time to recharge on the couch before my partner gets home and begins his usual banging around the apartment….

….Yeah, the song itself (which is a haunting, folksy, bluesy, dreamy “goth country/Americana” tune called “A Stranger and His Wife” (ad-free video on YouTube) by Alexis Smith & Joe Henson), coupled with the actual lyrics of the song, coupled (again) with my “lyric rewrite”… pretty captures my desire to hide away from the world, followed by the larger realization that often, I don’t feel like I even fit anywhere in it…  This particular piece was written 10-15 minutes ago.  I did have fun writing it. ๐Ÿ™‚


My world sometimes is semi-surreal
Floating in my thoughts and
Iโ€™m not sure how to hold hands
Always unsure of how I feel
I speak in a language
That no one can understand
Except for me

Some days are bright and some are gloom
I just feign indifference
And mirror what I see as I look around
Hide away up in my room
Away from all the people
Who talk and yell and come around
Too close to me

Iโ€™m never sure just what to say
What so naturally comes to them
Remains an eternal mystery
Iโ€™d like to think I made your day
But what would I do then
Itโ€™s not like Iโ€™m making history
Itโ€™s just whatโ€™s inside of me

Iโ€™m not cut out for this earth
My day and night are my own
And I never fit my name
One day Iโ€™ll be one with dirt
Life and death are overblown
But the world is never quite the same
Just let me be

Now hanging out in peace and quiet
Nobodyโ€™s around me
Life is but a dream
Maybe someday Iโ€™ll join the riot
But for now silence surrounds me
Though nothingโ€™s what it seems
Inside of/except for me


Written Tue 2.13.2018 ~17.45-18.00

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This is one of my more popular posts!

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(Image Credit: Josephine Wall)

โค

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84 Comments

    1. Awww, Elaine, thank you, luv! ๐Ÿ˜˜. I’m smitten with your encouraging words ๐Ÿ˜Šโค๏ธ. (Honestly, I really really appreciate them ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’œ. I bleed out something and post it, and I’m never quite sure how it’ll be received, so I’m *really happy* that you liked it!) ๐Ÿ˜˜๐ŸŒบ

      Liked by 3 people

  1. Thank you for this poem, Laina. You help me understand my son better, his fit in this world has never been good. Hard to know how to help him now as an adult, as much as when he was small. Expression has never been his strong suit (except maybe frustration and anger). Your posts shed a bit of light on how he might view the world. Blessings!

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  2. I am special just like you
    I can take the things I do
    And learn from them the best I can
    Make a difference with who I am
    You might be slow and I might be fast
    We donโ€™t need to measure who is first or last

    Sometimes when you speak
    Iโ€™m not sure what you say
    If youโ€™re sad or youโ€™re hurt
    I might not hear it that way
    I like it when things are always the same
    Like my food and toys and my video games

    Sometimes when we talk I donโ€™t look in your eyes
    I might just forget so donโ€™t be surprised
    If I donโ€™t speak at all letโ€™s try to wait
    There are other ways we can communicate

    Things donโ€™t look the same to you and me
    Where I see a forest you see a tree
    I hear the wind blowing strong in the sky
    You hear a breeze as it softly goes by
    My smell and my taste are different than yours
    So many choices thank goodness of course
    Thereโ€™s really a lot to say about touch
    Sometimes even my clothes feel too much
    If I think the light is shining too bright
    Or even if the noise isnโ€™t right

    I can do better when you think that I can
    Remember to show me and show me again
    I know that you love me so love me through this
    I do my best and donโ€™t need to be fixed
    Help me and teach me itโ€™s simple as that
    I need you I love you matter of fact
    If I canโ€™t tell you exactly how I feel
    Or act out in a way that seems unreal
    Youโ€™re everything I count on every day
    Do accept me and cherish my own special way.

    Liked by 3 people

            1. ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜. I’m embarrassed about how many I’ve been nominated for but haven’t done yet. I’m probably going to catch up on a bunch from the past 12 months rolling in a couple posts and thank several at once ๐Ÿ˜˜โค๏ธ. I really really appreciate the nominations! So honored and humbled ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’™

              Liked by 1 person

              1. I have another Liebster nomination to attend to shortly. They can take so much time, l would shudder if l had loads to sort out all at once, my Aspie brain would melt down lol! Hence l tackle them one at a time ๐Ÿ™‚

                Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, my lovely! ๐Ÿ˜˜โค๏ธ. I really appreciate your encouraging words! To put y’all at ease (for those who are wondering), I’m OK ๐Ÿ˜Š. Feeling pretty neutral, just sort of observing from afar, calling the world as I see it at the moment. But it does sound sort of melancholy, doesn’t it? ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

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    1. Thank you so much, my lovely! I’m really excited that you enjoyed it! ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜. In case you haven’t seen it yet, and you’d like to read more, I’ve got a little section of creative writing on this blog, as well as my Maidenlion blog ๐Ÿ˜. (https://maidenlion.wordpress.com), if you’re interested ๐Ÿ’ž. And oh yes, I will write more ๐Ÿ˜‰. Thank you for your kind words! ๐Ÿ’–๐ŸŒบ

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  3. ‘Sup, little sister? I feel like something is up with you, but I’m not positive. Are you doing alright? I’ll wait for you to answer. I know it can be a hard question sometimes, so answer when you’re able. Love you. Mwah! ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi my dear Wiser Sister! ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜. Omg how did you *know*?? Seriously, your timing is eerily perfect โค๏ธ๐Ÿค—โค๏ธ. I was doing ok until yesterday and today, when some old shizz from my past came up out of the dungeons. Help! I need Stevie Nicks, Evanescence, and Harry Potter and Friends, stat! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜˜โค๏ธ. I’m probably going to end up writing about it. It comes and goes in waves, and at the moment, I’m ok, although it’s shaky, so I don’t know about tomorrow ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’–. I can laugh now. I cried earlier, which I think was fairly healing. I might have a long road ahead; I’ll share everything I can, as I can make sense of it ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ’ž

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Imagine my arms hugging with the proper level of squeeze to remind you youโ€™re not alone, or too little anymore. You have a big sister who will fight with you now. ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know that feeling, dear one! OMG yes, the misunderstanding and discounting. I’ve often felt second-guessed, disregarded, ignored, unheard. Gah! I’m realizing just how abused I’ve been (and I don’t use that word lightly), and I’m probably going to write a post about some of my experiences in a bit more detail here in the near future.

      Anyway, I’m really, really happy that it resonated with you! ๐Ÿ˜€ Thank you so much for your kind words. โค

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    1. Thank you so much! ๐Ÿ˜Š. Hehe you’re not alone; it’s a tiny niche genre that few are aware of, because it hardly gets any radio attention, and concerts are usually very localized to the band’s home region ๐ŸŒบ. I’m so happy that you like it!! ๐Ÿ˜โค๏ธ

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