Wandering misty thoughts on friendship and doubt

Do you see me?  I’m hard to spot, in too large a crowd, which is loosely defined as anything above about six people.  Scan too fast and you’ll miss me. 

 Here, I’ll help.   Go deep.  Almost…there.  Yep, the one trying not to be noticed.  The one in ordinary jeans, legs climbed too often by little furry balls with beautiful eyes and sharp claws.  The one in the long-sleeved shirt with the tiny melted chocolate spots.  The one with unkempt hair, who gave up trying to impress long ago because there is a such thing as the wrong kind of attention.  The one blending in but still discernible by a seasoned eye who knows what to look for.  The telltale signs I can’t suppress and have let go of attempting to.

We could be friends, once trust overrides suspicion.  You might even like me.  Then again, you might not.  I’m blunt, or so sayeth my childhood family.  I’m fire-icy.   I’m prickly.  I’m indeed warm inside, but not the fuzziest.  Like embers that don’t glow.  The benign lone wolf without the stereotypical serial killer appetite.  I tell it like I see it, unconventional opinions expressed in an uncomfortably direct way.  The antithesis of word-mincing.  

The internet itself provides a mask, gives me time to properly filter and frame what otherwise might be morbid and disturbing thoughts.  I’m attracted to graveyards and ghosts, and I have plenty of the latter of my own.  Not exactly skeletons in the closet, but you might know what I mean. 

Then again, maybe not.  I can’t seem to shake my shadow of doubt that colors my life, like a blurry Photoshop filter.  Life has taught me that I can never be too sure of much; hardly anything is concrete.   Solidity has frequently proven to be a mere illusion.  Step onto it and fall through an unseen compromise in the structure. 

 My instinct is always to run; the fight-or-flight response is strong in this one.  The safest places for me are at the extremes: in my home sanctuary or in motion, on the road.  Preferably in my truck, where I am in control.  I’m quite content on my couch, but I’m happiest/most fulfilled on the move.  I’m equal parts fire sparks and ice crystals, a continuous push-pull between yin and yang. 

But my internal conflict suits me; it’s almost comforting.  I’m not sure what I’d do without it, I’m not sure what my purpose, my point, would be.  And we all want to have a point.  Mine is to struggle in my world, and maybe help others feel less alone in struggling in theirs. 

 Maybe. 

Doubt is my shadow, after all.  Maybe you still want to be my friend, and maybe I’ll trust that.  Maybe you’d find me in the crowd…or on the road.  The ordinary, purposely nondescript truck without any memorable look-at-me characteristics. 

 Or maybe I’ll be glowing after all?  And hopefully you’ll still want to be my friend.  ❤

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112 Comments

    1. Wow, thank you so much, Stefania! Given what I’ve seen of your blog, yeah, I think we’re cut from a very similar cloth 🙂 Yay ghosts and graveyards!! 😀 Halloween has been my favorite holiday ever since I can remember (even above Christmas) (!) 😀

      Liked by 2 people

        1. Yeah!! Me too 😀 I used to suffer from Seasonal depression, so I didn’t used to like autumn much because I knew the dreariness and accompanying depression that would come next, but since moving back to the southern US, I don’t anymore 😀 So autumn is my favorite time of year now, too – it even unseated the former favorite (spring)! Yay autumn!! ❤

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    1. Awww, girl that is *such* an honor coming from you!! You are one of the gentlest, kindest souls I’ve ever known. I’m so glad you liked the post, as twisted and winding as it was (lol). I’m proud to call you my friend, too! ❤ ❤ (I'd add other emojis but I'm typing on a boring old regular laptop keyboard lol) 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, friend! Your words are very reassuring! Something that, because of the dang pervasive doubt, is extra-helpful to me. You’re right, too, about our uncertain world. Landmines of unknowns! Agh!! 🙂 lol. Thank you again ❤

      Liked by 3 people

  1. I think we all have to be ourselves since this is how we were meant to be. I used to be a pleaser and not disagree with people. My parents were not the reason for my feelings of inadequacy. I feel bad that your family may not appreciate your kindness and “gifts.”
    We all are gifts and have something to offer the world. Giving people a safe place to express themselves on your blog and opening up to share your feelings are two Great Gifts! 🎁🎁 xo

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you so kindly, sweet one 😘 I can relate to the people-pleasing sentiment; my mother was my one ally for many years and she was a kind and gentle soul, but unfortunately she was also more of a pleaser, so I didn’t really have a strong female example to emulate. The rest of my family were Excellent Sources of Criticism. I’m working through releasing this, although it’s not an event, but a process 💗 Thank you so much for recognizing my gifts and true intentions; I really really appreciate that, and I admire your own growth as well! 💝💝

      Liked by 2 people

      1. This comment made me smile, Laina. I hope we both realize we are special and strong! 🤗
        I only get to my blog once in awhile but noticed you liking many of my posts. Thank you very much, dear friend! 🎆✨

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Your very welcome! I’m so happy to have brought you a smile 😍 The feeling is totally mutual on the special and strong thing 😁💗. I love your blog! I’m making up for some lost time this spring and summer 😉🕊💝

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          1. Oh, I do sometimes fall behind now so I totally understand. I am happy if I have anything of interest for you to read. I’m a grandma (“Nana”) and have 7 grandkids and three grown children. My son married someone with two children, then they added three. My daughter married and has two boys. Hope you are having a wonderful end of Summer and hopefully, a beautiful Fall! 🌻🍁

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Oh wow! Sounds like you have a really nice family 😍. Summers are hot here but we’ll be swinging into fall in a couple weeks to another month, depending 🙌🏼. I hope that your fall is gorgeous! 😘💗

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  2. I feel you may be the light in the darkness that others would be drawn to 🤔. I love your description of the conundrum constantly present. The non-conformity that means you can’t be neatly slotted into one stereotyped box. ❤️

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Relate to this so much. So eloquently and beautifully written, even though the subject matter is internal conflict, there’s no regret, aggression or apology in your words or from being your true self. You always have such insight and are so articulate;
    ‘Life has taught me that I can never be too sure of much; hardly anything is concrete. Solidity has frequently proven to be a mere illusion. Step onto it and fall through an unseen compromise in the structure.’
    I’ve learnt to expect the unexpected and to not take any of my circumstance for granted.
    Going through a bit of an existential crisis, so found it interesting to read your view that maybe your own struggle is your purpose. As one that also prefers to remain hidden in a room, thankyou for the glow in the dark 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    1. “I’ve learnt to expect the unexpected and to not take any of my circumstance for granted. Going through a bit of an existential crisis, so found it interesting to read your view that maybe your own struggle is your purpose. As one that also prefers to remain hidden in a room, thankyou for the glow in the dark.”

      Amen, my lovely 👏👏👏👏. You too? Existential crisis here too 😘💞. Thank you for your own warm glow 😍

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I am supposedly “the one blending in but still discernible by a seasoned eye who knows what to look for.” Veteran teachers, NT or otherwise, and who’ve interacted with me one on one in some capacity, are particularly aware I’m autistic, even if they can only suspect it. Most people don’t expect me to be autistic, so they don’t see it, and attribute anything out of the ordinary to whatever their personal experience says it is: flirtatiousness, stupidity, innocence, confusion, etc.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. My own internal conflict pretty much just disappeared once I stopped masking so much, but lo and behold, the anxiety from back when I was a kid is here again! Guess I never properly dealt with that.

      Liked by 3 people

    2. “Most people don’t expect me to be autistic, so they don’t see it, and attribute anything out of the ordinary to whatever their personal experience says it is: flirtatiousness, stupidity, innocence, confusion, etc.”

      This, so much! I mask well; I imagine you do too? 💕💜

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks, sister. I’m recovering well from a round in hell. Still mute, though. My writing mentor believed practice is how we grow as a writer, so I’m copying her example (Octavia E Butler.).

        I love yours too, don’t you know. 💜💜 🙃 It’s fabulous to see you writing here again. You’re excellent at expressing concepts, feelings, and thoughts I can easily relate to (with giddiness over mutual understanding.) It feels like fellowship with a fellow alien 👽 on this hostile planet 🌎💜💜

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Oh girl I’m so sorry for the hell tour 😘💐. I can definitely relate, in my own way 💞 Fellow aliens unite! 👽 🙌 Mutual understanding all around. Much much love to you, sweets! We will make it through our shizz 💪💖

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Firstly, I must tell you how unbelievably flattered and honoured I am that you’ve basically read my whole blog over the past few weeks! I’ve been away and have only been able to briefly check notifications. I can’t believe how much you’ve read of me and I hope now, in the next few weeks I’ll be able to adequately return this beautiful gesture. You are a talented writer with a beautifully labyrinthine mind and I am very happy we have connected.

    Love, Fiery

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I totally dig your blog 😍 You’re a talented writer yourself, and the feeling is very mutual! So touched by your kind words 💕 I’m still playing catch up (that goes for the rest of y’all too!), so I’ll likely be reading more as time goes on 😉 Thanks again! 🙌🏼🌈

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! One would think it would get easier, but alas, generally speaking, it hasn’t–at least in terms of the traditional offline friendships. Of course, there are the wonderful people (!) I’ve met on WP since realizing I’m AS almost 2.5 years ago 😁 That makes all the difference, and it’s a huge bonus in my life 🙌🏼 In addition to the quantity of new friends I’ve met, the quality of the friendships has skyrocketed 😍 So, in the end, I’m super-thankful ❣️

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        1. That’s wonderful, Paul 😁💓. I’m really really glad for you! Some things do get better as we age, don’t they? It inspires hope to know that it’s possible that making new friends can actually get easier 😊👍🏼

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        1. Our commonality is quite a compliment to me 🙂 I’ve always considered you a kind and intelligent guy! I’m so sorry to heard about the depression; it’s a cruel bitch, isn’t it? I’ve gone through bouts of it myself, some lasting longer than others, some bouts more severe than other bouts. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I really feel you ❤ I hope the disability entities are treating you fairly ❤ ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I trust so—but it is a LONG PROCESS. One person rather frustrated with me claimed I was autistic. Not enough, according to examination, but I do have some of those tendencies. Fortunately, most of my health care team actually do care deeply about and for me! ❤

            Liked by 1 person

  6. I recognize so much of what you describe. I would spot you because I look beyond the crowd and search for those outside the crowd. They are probably like me, but very often I don’t find anyone else like me in a crowd.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Again, your writing makes me so much less alone in the world. To know someone else has these same exact thoughts, feeling, likes (love graveyards and ghosts) is so comforting and nourishing. Thank you for this awesome post! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. “Doubt is my shadow” – I like that. I have difficulty with offline friendship too, how much do I really know my offline friends? Social media adds to the confusion. Sometimes, it confuses me the way they describe themselves to me and the way they appear on social media and then it makes me ponder if they truly are who they claim to be? Making friends through blogging seems easier in the sense, you have to be genuinely interested in that person to read what s/he writes and you get to know them through their writing and their inner thoughts. I am always trying to strike a balance between not trusting someone too much and trusting/confiding in someone too easily. Some days, I thought I am but a cold-blooded cynic but other times, I find myself getting attached to someone easily just because they seem nice and sincere to me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. So true! I’ve gotten a vibe from people in general of skepticism about online bonds, how they think they somehow lack the depth and authenticity of an offline bond. But… Even my own family doesn’t really understand me all that well (and we even consider ourselves a close family lol), and I still get misunderstood a lot, most of the time by offline people! 😱. Making friends here on WP has been much easier, and I think those bonds carry every bit as much depth, meaning, importance, and significance as any offline relationship–at least, I think that the potential is there, and equally so 👍🏼😊. People BS each other (and even themselves lol) in offline life all the time, while blogging provides us with a free space to share deeper thoughts with more freedom and latitude 😁.

      And this, so much!…

      “I am always trying to strike a balance between not trusting someone too much and trusting/confiding in someone too easily.”

      And this too!!…

      “Some days, I thought I am but a cold-blooded cynic but other times, I find myself getting attached to someone easily just because they seem nice and sincere to me.”

      Omg yes 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. Every word is gold 🌟🏆🌟💖

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Sweet! There’s definitely an upside to that 😊. I don’t tend to get dragged into bonds with people who are full of BS 😁💓. Still, it’s a bit of a damper for me sometimes, and it’s always comforting to know I’m not alone 💗🌺

      Liked by 1 person

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