This has been a rather quiet place for quite a while. As usual, I can explain…
I meant to post something in the middle of 2019 about how it felt to be on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum and falling in love with a fellow Aspie/autism spectrummite, but I got caught up in the swooning and being smitten. The nights spent texting, bidirectionally and endlessly. The weekends together, cuddling closely. It was paradise. It was bliss. I couldn’t think of anything else; I’m not sure I could have recited my own address. (This person is not my legal marriage partner; the extramarital relationship was a nonsexual, purely affectionate one that my legal marriage partner agreed to, since he recognized that he couldn’t provide that for me.)
I meant to post something in early 2020 about my version of experience of Coronavirus lockdowns and the strain it can put on relationships when one of you craves excitement and novelty and the other is perfectly content curling up in each others’ arms, binge-watching Netflix with a cat sleeping beside you, but I was preoccupied with attempting to grapple with what was happening.
I meant to write a post in the summer of 2020 about the intersection of Asperger’s/autism with a narcissistic personality pattern in the same person, and how that impacted an Aspie-Aspie relationship, but I was practically addicted to various YouTube channels, trying to gain my footing in various related subject matter and obtaining way more validation and information than I ever imagined.
I should’ve written a post in fall of 2020 about what it’s like to be on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum and married to a bona fide, honest-to-god(dess) psychopath, but I was preoccupied with surfing the steep learning curves and their associated safety risk assessment. Trying to keep my head above water, trying to reach out, trying to stay connected, and then eventually learning some hard truths about myself…and then some harder, purely dark truths about my legal marriage partner. I’ll spare the details, at least for now. Suffice it to say that my current situation is potentially among the most frightening imaginable. I wish I was exaggerating.
Now, I’m posting in the beginning of 2021, in the throes of a currently-paused inner-core healing journey, while attempting to sort myself out and keep track of my to-do list for today, this week, this month. My divorce from my legal marriage partner will be finalized sometime next month. I will likely be moved out before then.
There is a definite fury in the slaughterhouse, an instinctive sense of urgency, the base survival fight-or-flight mechanism now fully engaged. Yet, the surface is positively placid. So much to do, so many unknown variables, so vast a new territory to chart. My spiney senses tingle, my adrenal glands send palpable bursts of adrenaline into my torso, my intuition antennae are fully heightened and hypervigilant, and my brain is razor sharp except for the one item I invariably forget when I leave the house (always a different item, but there will be one, every morning, guaranteed).
I move quickly and quietly, plotting and planning, carefully gathering my ducks in nice neat rows. Then comes action, just as quickly and quietly and carefully. Cautious and precise. Without saying a word to him.
I’m in my 40s, and eventually I will be living independently, sustaining my own survival and properly “adulting” for the first time in my life. There’s an intermediate step to take first, though…
Which means that maybe, within the next few months, I may finally find the time and senses of peace and calm to write about what it’s like, from my perspective, to be roommates with a fellow Aspie/autism spectrummite. 😉