The Silent Wave awakes from slumber

This has been a rather quiet place for quite a while.  As usual, I can explain…

I meant to post something in the middle of 2019 about how it felt to be on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum and falling in love with a fellow Aspie/autism spectrummite, but I got caught up in the swooning and being smitten.  The nights spent texting, bidirectionally and endlessly.  The weekends together, cuddling closely.  It was paradise.  It was bliss.  I couldn’t think of anything else; I’m not sure I could have recited my own address.  (This person is not my legal marriage partner; the extramarital relationship was a nonsexual, purely affectionate one that my legal marriage partner agreed to, since he recognized that he couldn’t provide that for me.)

I meant to post something in early 2020 about my version of experience of Coronavirus lockdowns and the strain it can put on relationships when one of you craves excitement and novelty and the other is perfectly content curling up in each others’ arms, binge-watching Netflix with a cat sleeping beside you, but I was preoccupied with attempting to grapple with what was happening.

I meant to write a post in the summer of 2020 about the intersection of Asperger’s/autism with a narcissistic personality pattern in the same person, and how that impacted an Aspie-Aspie relationship, but I was practically addicted to various YouTube channels, trying to gain my footing in various related subject matter and obtaining way more validation and information than I ever imagined.

I should’ve written a post in fall of 2020 about what it’s like to be on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum and married to a bona fide, honest-to-god(dess) psychopath, but I was preoccupied with surfing the steep learning curves and their associated safety risk assessment.  Trying to keep my head above water, trying to reach out, trying to stay connected, and then eventually learning some hard truths about myself…and then some harder, purely dark truths about my legal marriage partner.  I’ll spare the details, at least for now.  Suffice it to say that my current situation is potentially among the most frightening imaginable.  I wish I was exaggerating.

Now, I’m posting in the beginning of 2021, in the throes of a currently-paused inner-core healing journey, while attempting to sort myself out and keep track of my to-do list for today, this week, this month.  My divorce from my legal marriage partner will be finalized sometime next month.  I will likely be moved out before then.

There is a definite fury in the slaughterhouse, an instinctive sense of urgency, the base survival fight-or-flight mechanism now fully engaged.  Yet, the surface is positively placid.  So much to do, so many unknown variables, so vast a new territory to chart.  My spiney senses tingle, my adrenal glands send palpable bursts of adrenaline into my torso, my intuition antennae are fully heightened and hypervigilant, and my brain is razor sharp except for the one item I invariably forget when I leave the house (always a different item, but there will be one, every morning, guaranteed).

I move quickly and quietly, plotting and planning, carefully gathering my ducks in nice neat rows.  Then comes action, just as quickly and quietly and carefully.  Cautious and precise.  Without saying a word to him.

I’m in my 40s, and eventually I will be living independently, sustaining my own survival and properly “adulting” for the first time in my life.  There’s an intermediate step to take first, though…

Which means that maybe, within the next few months, I may finally find the time and senses of peace and calm to write about what it’s like, from my perspective, to be roommates with a fellow Aspie/autism spectrummite. 😉

101 Comments

    1. Thank you dear one! 😍. It’s not quite over yet – I’m a little more than halfway through the process, still living in the home. Never been single, so definitely looking forward to that experience 😁👍🦋

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Dearest Dude… you have a typo😱 It’s the beginning of 2021, not 2020. I’m sure everyone understood what you meant, but I HATE typos in my stuff, and I appreciate when someone points them out.

    Feel free to tell me to STFU😘😂😂💕💖💌🌻✨😍

    Liked by 5 people

  2. this sounds like a good good thing painful and disruptive as it has been The Pluto Saturn surge of 2020 will anchor with the New Moon and Uranus going direct on the 14th so change is death but new life comes. hold on you will get there.. ❤ hugs, support, love.. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you bunches for your insight, my dear friend! You’re quite right on 👏👏. 2020 was disruptive enough with my own personal Uranus opposition transit, and this year 2021 is shaping up to be challenging already (as I knew it would be), with Saturn making a Grand Cross to my Moon/Chiron-Venus-Uranus T-square all year until the beginning of 2022 😱😱 lol. Amen to new life coming and holding on strong all the way through!! 😍👏🌈🦋

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh wow 💞💞. You too, eh? Thank you very much for sharing your experience 😍. It really helps to compare notes 🙌. That Uranus opposition is something else! 😳. Mine lit up my T-square lol (conjunct Moon and Chiron, squared Venus, opposed Uranus lol); I’m almost done with that, in the next month or 2 🌈. Saturn of course is moving into a Grand Cross with the same T-square as we speak lol 😱😳. Saturn demands that I work—and work hard! So, I will 💪🌈🦋🕊

          Like

          1. I have all my squares in fixed signs. And heaps in Aquarius. What planets,are involved in your fixed cross t square? If you can ever get your hands on Barbara Hand Crows book The Liquid Light of Sea it has a lot to say about those profound mid life transits..ages since I read it. Obviously your Uranus is in Scorpio?

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Moon/Chiron (conjunct), Venus, and Uranus (also all in fixed signs, tropically; yep, Uranus in tropical Scorpio) 😁. Thank you so much for the book recommendation! Always looking to add to the library 😍🙌💗.

              Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg hi!! 😍😍. Thank you so much for your warm words 💗. So nice to see you again! Oh yes, you can say you’re happy for me; these changes, although difficult and painful at times, are ultimately for the (much!) better 😁. I’ve missed you very much too! 💚💙💜

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry to hear about the difficult times you’ve been going through – and still are going through – hope it’s all sorted for you soon and you can move on with your life full of positivity. 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

  4. When bloggers go quiet… It sort of sucks that people who generally are quite open and sharing with the world feel the incredible need to clam up for their own well being. Best of luck on your journey, just keep pressing on until you get to the other side of it!

    Liked by 6 people

    1. I hear you, my friend 👍. And in this case, I have to remain more tight-lipped than usual for my own wellbeing indeed 💞. It does suck, for all of us involved. Thank you so much for the good luck wishes!! 🙌😁🎊❣️

      Like

  5. Hello Laina! Nice to have you back! Happy New Year, and as i understand you are making new steps, wonderful steps. Humans are never static, like murals.They are moving, born to move. So i think you are doing right. Best wishes, Michael

    Liked by 5 people

        1. Hi Michael! Thank you so much for the warm welcomes back 😍. I’m hanging in there, dark as my world may be at this moment 💪. Trying to recognize and utilize any possible silver lining I can hallucinate into fruition lol 😉. I hope you are well too! 💜. No lockdowns here in South Texas as of yet; some restaurants are doing takeout only, but most are offering dine-in, at reduced capacity. Some wineries are open, others are not. It sort of varies, but life mostly resembles normal right now 🍀👍. How are y’all holding up where you are? 💜

          Liked by 2 people

            1. You’re welcome, Michael! And I’m really sorry for the long delay too. I’m just now getting back around to this blog 😳. Probably about to revive it again though, at least somewhat 💝. Thank you so much for your supportive words. I’m hanging in there; 2021 has brought even more catastrophe but I’m somehow still alive lol. I hope you’re doing well! 🍀🙏😎💖

              Like

    1. Thank you so much, dear one! I really really appreciate your caring support; it helps in ways that are hard to explain or imagine 😍. Hell Years is right on!! 👏👏. I’d say that’s a perfect description of the past 3, in terms of this situation 💗. I know this coming year will be hellish, too, maybe in different ways, I’m not sure yet, but I will make it through, and your concern and warm vibes definitely help give me strength 🙌🙌❣️

      Like

    1. Thank you so much, Jonathan! 🙌💝. I appreciate your sharing my post and the warm words in your comment. I am indeed still here, even if not consistent and even if continually playing catch-up lol. This year has heaped a whole lot more on me than I ever imagined when I wrote this post (😱) but miraculously I’m somehow still alive and sane. Even looking to blog again soon, hopefully on Medium 🥰🕊🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  6. OUR PRAYERS AND POSITIVE THOUGHTS ARE HEADED YOUR WAY, BABE! SO GLAD YOU CAME UP FOR AIR AFTER THIS LIFE EXPERIENCE! DID YOU KNOW I FOUND AND ADOPTED A CYBER DAUGHTER CRAZY, HUH? 😀 LOVE YOU LOTS—I REMEMBER A FEW RELATIONSHIPS I HAD—THAT KNOCKED ME FOR A LOOP! AND I FELL HARD!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you bunches, dear one! 😍. Omg cool, I’m ecstatic for you? Cyber-family is amazing 😁. I definitely hear you on relationships! Lol. Hard is a beautiful way to fall, unless and until it isn’t 💞. Luv you too! ✨✨

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi love!! Thank you so kindly for your lovely words and your much-needed support. I’m sorry I’m so late in responding; 2021 had a whole variety pack of shizz in store for me that I never even saw coming when I wrote this post. Miraculously I’m still alive, and even maybe sane 😉 (the second part was meant as humor, the first part a little more literal than I would otherwise prefer lol). I hope you’re well? 😎💜

      Like

  7. I’ve learned so much from you about Asperger’s. Don’t stop writing.
    I can relate. I hardly wrote last year because of my attitude, the pandemic and the general feeling of confusion. It has been a tough year.

    I hope all goes well with your relationships. My sister broke up with her psycopath girlfriend a few months ago and I’ve been trying to comfort her. It’s not easy.

    Take care

    Teri

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Hi Teri! Thank you so much for your encouraging words and for sharing your thoughts and experience 💓. It really *was* a rough year for most, for varying reasons. No worries, I definitely won’t stop writing 😉💗. I’m so sorry to hear about your sister’s situation. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through, very mind-bending and crazy-making. Sending her warm healing thoughts and warm hugs to you both! ❣️💝🌈

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I don’t know you and don’t really know what to say – but reading such an honest and vulnerable post and then scrolling past doesn’t seem right. I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you and I hope that the next stages and transitions will go well. Change can be hard, even good change. Be kind to yourself and I hope you have all the support you need to make these transitions easier.

    Liked by 4 people

  9. Hope your last few weeks have gone well, Laina (despite the TX freeze and catching Corona :P).
    Is that paperwork almost done? You’ll feel better once it is – I hope and trust.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Howdy!! Thank you so much for checking in 💜. Paperwork is lagging a little; I’ll probably call next week to check on the status. It’s been a very interesting year so far and we’re not even 2 months into it 😱😂🍀

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, angel. Your words are so comforting and I really really appreciate them 💖. I apologize that I’m just now catching up on blog comments; 2021 ended up heaping a whole lot more on me than I could’ve imagined since I wrote this post 😱. At any rate, I really hope you’re doing well! 💖

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Hey there, fellow Sepctrummite! Thanks for that awesome word to describe us! I’m thankful you visited my blog and so grateful you liked a poem of mine. The encouragement means a lot and it’s especially cool to find out you are an Aspie, too! Looking forward to reading more!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi angel! You’re very welcome! Your writing is especially amazing; it really stands out and makes an incredible impression 💗. I’m sorry that I’m only now catching up on comments on this blog; 2021 ended up turning up the life-heat on me higher than I ever could have imagined. I hope you’re doing ok (hopefully well)? 💜🙏

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Michael! By all means, stumble in as much as you like! I’ll stumble back toward you 😉. Thank you for your warm wishes! Honestly 2021 has been *quite* rough (more about the past year or so on my newer blog about the journey, Spitfyre Phoenix Rising), but I’m hanging in there still 💪. I hope all is well for you? 💚💙☯️

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I have not read the comments, so I do not know if you have added more to what you’ve said in this post. But I want you to know that you’re not alone. My husband is not abusive, he is not dangerous, actually is quite amazing. But I had to leave. I hate saying this, but I couldn’t take it anymore. He was so supportive, sometimes to a smothering degree, I love him and I always will, but our living situation became untenable. It had very little to do with him, and more to do with me and my inability to deal with a lot of what has been going on this past year and some change. I had to move out for my own sanity, and I had to learn to properly adult without the Safetynet. I’m horrible at it, but that’s OK, I’m learning. Unfortunately things change even when you don’t want them to. We have been together and loved each other for 19 years, but it has been no bed of roses. At times it was damn near impossible. Without meaning to we both deeply hurt the other more often than we want to admit, and we have both felt that pain more often than we want to admit. Now that I moved out for my own sanity, it has given him the space to truly think about the last 19 years. There’s a good chance we will not survive this, but for the first time in my life I am OK with that. For the first time in my life I am good enough, strong enough, adult enough to handle him walking away. Or me walking away. Or neither of us walking away. What comes comes. And I wish you all the luck in the world, and know that even though you don’t know me I support you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow Marla, thank you for sharing your story! I really appreciate your thoughts and support. Your words are right on! And you are not wrong, girl. You have a right to your feelings and perspective, and if something is not working for you, you have every right to make changes without having to feel bad about it 💓. Sounds like you’ve had a rough time too, and my heart mutually goes out to you too! I’m sorry that I’m just now getting around to catching up on here; 2021 dealt me a much heavier hand yet than I ever would have imagined (I’ve been writing about that journey on a new blog Spitfyre Phoenix Rising for almost the past year now, which I think you might enjoy!). How have things gone for you so far since May? I hope they’ve taken a happier, more peaceful turn for you? ❣️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. Things are going great now, actually. Everything is as it should be. I’m happy for what was, and our future together. Titles change, relationships change, people change. Love and friendship do not unless you want them to. Neither of us did. So all’s we’ll that ends well.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. It’s weird, none of my comments are appearing on your page 🤷🏻‍♀️

            Thank you! It has been a long and short road simultaneously. But I landed in a great place. So I’m happy for that!

            Liked by 2 people

            1. Weird! I’m using the WP app right now, so I’ll log on on a desktop computer and check it out 😉

              I’m so relieved for you! 👏👏. That gives me hope too; not all is lost. I’d love to hear more of your story 🙌

              Liked by 2 people

  12. Whew, you’ve had a lot of major life changes all at once! And on top of all the stuff happening in the world at those times, too. All things considered, not really surprising you didn’t write. Looking forward to reading what you have to say when you do write about it, though!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment and your support, dear one! I apologize for taking so long to catch up on this blog; 2021 went on to further test me in ways I hadn’t dreamed of; things got heavy enough that I started a different blog (Spitfyre Phoenix Rising) about that journey almost a year ago, and there’s some pretty meaty stuff on there that I think you might like 😊💓

      Like

Please feel free to add your thoughts! I do my best to respond to each comment (even if it takes me a bit sometimes) :)

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s