Today, I met with three people, one at a time, in rapid succession.
Today marks the two-year anniversary of my grandfather’s passing.
My aunt continues on her intractable downhill slide. Except that the word “slide” makes it sound easy, effortless, and terminal cancer is anything but. We try not to plan too far out into the future, because we know that a 1,200-mile trip will soon have to be made; the only question is when.
I have a long list of long-term projects going on at work. All of them desperately need my attention…yesterday. No wait–scratch that. Last year.
The humidity and Heat are in cahoots, leapfrogging and mounting, wearing us all down.
What does one do when the pressures and pain accumulate, but the resources necessary to meet their demands dwindle down to fumes and essences?
If there’s one thing I’ve always been competent at, it’s pulling energy resources from places I didn’t know existed. Nooks and crannies that remain otherwise hidden from view.
Sometimes I want to hide, too. From the swarms of mosquitos. From the hordes of to-do list items. From the plumes of grief.
Asperger’s/autism moulds and shapes my mind like a Play-Doh Fun Factory, sometimes sans the “fun”, compelling me to see What Is, in the black and white in front of me, while simultaneously egging me on to examine the connections between the shades of gray that stretch out toward an infinite horizon.
Irony these days.
My brain is a hypocrite. “Black and white!” “No! Alternative view!” “Maybe it’s both! Maybe it’s neither!”
And sometimes it gets to be too much, the grand old Autistic Overwhelm, and my brain threatens to pull an equally-Autistic Shutdown.
I resist.
I’m such a contrarian. Or so goes the chronic accusation. Never mind that it’s not even true.
I’m just here, muddling through it, putting one foot in front of the other, trying to make heads or tails of this head-game of life.
Boosting my brain artificially in order to meet the demands, to satisfy the demons, to placate the muses, to withstand past and present (and probably future) pain. To win out against all odds. To write a semicolon where otherwise a period might insert itself.
That “period” being what happens if I would admit fatigue and withdraw into a Shutdown of All Shutdowns, a longer-term hibernation, to go off and grab a tub of Legos (how Aspergian/autistic stereotypical is that??), and Just Play.
To block out the world and just play.
It’s all the Legos’ fault, of course. They prove just too tempting.
Because it can’t be the fault of my hopeless to-do list, my needier clientele, my incessantly-meowing cats, my handicapped husband, or my dying aunt.
Nobody asked for their predicament.
And I know that I’m not Atlas, being tasked with the responsibility of holding up the world by my shoulders. It’s not my job to solve all that ails.
But sometimes I feel like it is.
And sometimes I crush under the weight of it all.
And sometimes I forget to say no or set limits or budget my energy.
And sometimes it threatens to give out completely for a while.
Sometimes my body and brain make threats of passing out.
But ever the stubborn warrior, I keep standing, because as long as I can stand, I can fight. As long as I can stand, I can do something. As long as I can stand, I can keep writing semicolons.
Semicolons rock. They’re so much better than periods.
I won’t lie down. I won’t give up. I may wonder what I’m doing it all for, and I may not even always do it right.
But I’m doing it.
That’s what counts, isn’t it? Please say yes. Please tell me that life is much more forgiving than school, where if you didn’t get the answer correct, you failed. Please tell me that life gives us points for effort.
Lots of points. I need lots of points.
I try not to be so needy. I try to stand on my own. I try to see the beauty in the gray, the silver lining in the storm clouds, the sun rays on the horizon.
The horizon is far away, but maybe someday I can reach it.
It’s a far distance to travel.
But I can get there.
I just have to remember to put one foot in front of the other. And never lie down. Keep standing. Keep walking. Keep writing semicolons.
“Semicolons rock. They’re so much better than periods..” Indeed, I completely agree with you 100%!!!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so kindly! Standing by your side 😊💜💙
LikeLike
Nice post ❤ ❤ ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much 😊❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nice post
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much 😊💞💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
My pleasure
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Die Erste Eslarner Zeitung – Aus und über Eslarn, sowie die bayerisch-tschechische Region!.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, wonderful friend 😊💞
LikeLike
Every semicolon is worth to be set. 😉 Do it! Michael
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, mate! 😊💪🏼💙
LikeLiked by 1 person
What’s the deal with semicolons? At least you’re doing something. Gosh, ppl always have something to say.
LikeLiked by 1 person
True 😊. It’s basically a grassroots “viral” can-do mindset that grew out of the addiction and self-harm communities, and has recently taken a broader meaning to indicate that one’s story is not finished yet 😊💚💙
LikeLiked by 1 person
What is a grassroots viral? What does all that even mean?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Grassroots is like coming up from the people, as opposed to being started from some kind of corporate shill or politician; viral is like when something really catches on, often unexpectedly 😊
LikeLiked by 2 people
What does the other stuff mean too?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Can-do is like being proactive, as opposed to “I can’t” 😊. Sorry; I just strung a bunch of terms together that although applicable, I can see where I might not have been clear 😊💞
LikeLiked by 2 people
Why did you do that?
LikeLiked by 1 person
In short, the semicolon is kinda like an optimistic “I’ll get through this hardship” kind of outlook/attitude 😊💚💙
LikeLiked by 2 people
How so? What makes you see it that way?
LikeLiked by 1 person
My interpretation is that it symbolizes an unfinished sentence. Like if the story of one’s life was represented by a single symbolic “sentence”, it could be said that if one faced a big enough challenge, they might be tempted to just give up, which would be like putting a period at the end of the sentence to signal “I’m done; I’m giving up, giving in”. But sometimes when being faced with a challenge, one might just pause for a rest or be temporarily knocked down, but then get back up again, saying “I’m not done yet”, which would be more like the semicolon. 😊. I hope I’m making sense (sometimes my wording isn’t quite right and I have trouble saying what I mean/expressing myself sometimes). 💙💜❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
That was perfect, you should teach english. I understood very well. I may need to read a few more times before I can implement into my writing. You’re awesome and the spirit in your writing seems familiar. 🌷❤👌
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow, cool! 😘😘. Thank you so much! So happy to help, luv 💓💞💓🌺💜
LikeLike
💓
LikeLiked by 1 person
Shill: A liar for money?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, pretty much 😊. Like a sleazy salesperson or representative trying to set a trend instead of the people doing it ourselves 💓🌺💓
LikeLiked by 1 person
My brain isn’t working today, I fried it earlier dealing with an emotionally charged case. Elaborate please?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sure 😊. Imagine, for example, Trump. He’s trying to say that climate change doesn’t exist, so he’s going to call on a bunch of “scientists” to try to prove his point, but what he hopes nobody finds out is that these people might have science degrees, but they’re just corporate “lap-dogs” who really just work for oil companies (one would call them “oil company shills”). No worries, luv, you’re in good company; my brain is kinda fried today too 😊💗🌺
LikeLiked by 2 people
Why is your brain fried? What happened during the course of your day today. I’m convinced TRUMP doesn’t know anything about anything expect how to be hateful and a mob boss, of course.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Amen about Trump, my friend! 👍🏼👏🏼👏🏼. My brain is fried from the long day at work, many sources of stress. I have a few chronic illnesses that I don’t talk about much on here (except sometimes), but even though I don’t mention them much, they’re there 💞. I run out of energy but I often can’t sleep. It’s been a really busy week and I’m really happy that I only work a half day on Fridays (we close the office at lunchtime on Friday and go home for the weekend).
My health conditions include Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, two or maybe three autoimmune diseases, hemochromatosis, PTSD, histamine excess, and Non-24, which is a chronorhythm sleep disorder where the body operates on a sleep/wake cycle that doesn’t match the regular day/night cycle of the earth ❤️💜.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Well I’m glad you have a half day tomorrow. I hope you get some rest. Please take care of yourself, those health conditions sound serious. Do you have to take meds?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, my lovely 😊. Nope, no medications yet, except for the over-the-counter/non-prescription pain relievers I take for things like the cervicogenic migraine headaches and tooth pain, but those are other things that come and go 😊💓💜💓
LikeLike
Why so much pain?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Infections, probably. With the Ehlers-Danlos, my teeth crack easily and my gums are weak and thin, so bacteria get down into them and cause pain 💚🌷💚
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh no. Are you taking care of yourself? I’m deeply concerned. What causes the Ehlers-Danlos? How do you eat properly?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I do try 😊. I eat very well, strictly organic and lots of fruits and vegetables. I also just started taking some really great supplements like Magnesium, B-complex, and Zinc, along with Vitamins C and D. I walk a lot, several hours a week, and sometimes an hour or two a day ❤️. The Ehlers-Danlos is genetic, as are the autoimmune conditions (which affect my hearing, my brain–known as cerebellar degeneration, a neurodegenerative disease–and probably my thyroid). I’m kind of a mess, but I’m very thankful not to have a lot of pain or have to take a lot of medications or anything 😊👍🏼🌺💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sad because you have to endure these illnesses.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aww thank you luv 😘. Not to worry 💓💓. I’m in a good field to help myself; I’m a doctor 😊💘💜. I’m going to be getting into meditation and I get a lot of acupuncture which helps me greatly, especially with the neck disc herniation (!) 👍🏼💖. I’ll be 40 soon, and I’ve got some great support from my partner and friends (like you guys on here too!) 😁👍🏼💚💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re a doctor?! Well isn’t that wonderful. What kind of Dr.? When is your Birthday?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Integrative medicine, which is an open-minded, all-things-considered kind of medicine that takes a whole-person approach instead of just patching symptoms 😁💓. It’s really fun and rewarding. I see maybe 3 people a day, so I can give them more attention 🌷. I get tired even after seeing the 3 people, but it’s worth it 😊.
My birthday is Sept 2; what’s yours? ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
What made you choose integrative medicine?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really really wanted to help people heal; to help them make a full recovery and to help them either resolve their chronic health problems or live a wonderful life despite them 😊💖😁💘
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re a healer of some sort. .. Would you consider yourself a light worker?
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s always possible 😊. I try to be 💜💚
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad your partner supports you. I think it would be easier to deal with life when you have someone who truly cares about you and vice versa.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Totally 😊. For a while, he was not supportive; we didn’t really know the extent of the health issues until recently, because it’s hard to tell I have them by looking at me. But he has changed a lot this past year, and it has been very helpful 👏🏼💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
That made me feel at ease since you don’t have to do it alone. Maybe he just had some learning to do.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I believe you’re absolutely right 😊👏🏼💘💗
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think he is an Aspie, too, so he lives in this own world as well (much like I do) 😉💚💙💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
What are the major reasons you think he’s aspie?
LikeLiked by 1 person
We think a whole lot alike 😊
I wrote out my thoughts here – https://thesilentwaveblog.wordpress.com/2016/08/27/intertwined-there-is-another-skywalker/ 😊❤️💓
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ll read and come back for a discussion if you aren’t sleepy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sure thing! I’m pretty awake right now but sleep hits me very suddenly so if I don’t respond for a while, please know that I’m not ignoring you 😊💞💚💓
LikeLiked by 1 person
I read it and i noticed some of your traits and his are alot like mine… I’m so happy you both have each other. Nothing like being with someone who understands you. I did want to talk about the affection area. I feel very deep affection but I don’t really know how to put it in words or rather words don’t fit my affection. Are you still awake?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yep, probably fading without realizing it but I’m still awake 😊. Thank you, both for reading and for your nice words 💓. He is pretty cool 😉. We’ve been together 18 years now, so we fit each other like old comfortable shoes 😉💜💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
You both are blessed by the heavens to have each other. Get some rest now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, my friend! Will do 😊💓
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know what you mean about affection, too 😊. I’m very affectionate, but it’s hard to describe exactly how 💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t understand why it’s so difficult. I get frustrated and have to break from trying. I feel like actions of affection speak better than putting how I feel in words.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Agreed! 👏🏼👏🏼💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey how was you’re day?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi! For some reason I was really exhausted, but I had a really good day anyway, if that makes sense 😉😁. How was yours? 💖💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
Its 11:11 by the way
LikeLiked by 1 person
Omg cool!!! Auspicious 👏🏼💓💓👍🏼💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol, that word sounds really familiar. I learned it in school from my favorite teacher. I was actually looking at the assignments from the class and teacher who taught me that word. I don’t want to throw them away from some reason. I’m attached to them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can definitely relate, dear friend! 😘💞💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wonder if teachers keep assignments to remember their favorite students. I think that would be cool.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That would be awesome! I reckon some teachers do 😊. I’ve remained friends with some of my teachers. One of them, in fact, I have been friends with for over 25 years (!). She even came to stay at my house to help care for me right after my surgery (a hysterectomy) 😊👏🏼💪🏼💚💙💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol reckon, why do people say that word. I feel like is it origin. 25 years?? I never thought teachers wanted to befriend students. 25 years is a long time. When did you have a hysterectomy and why. My mom had one when I was in middle or high school and I used to make her breakfast everyday before school when she was recovering. Are you ok now? Was it really painful?
LikeLike
My day was ok. I didn’t feel good for the most part and ending up sleeping alot. Yes, that makes sense. Are you planning to rest over the weekend?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aw I’m sorry to hear that, my dear 💐💐. Yep, resting a lot 😊. Already got a really good start – about 10 hours of sleep last night! Which is unheard of for me 😁🎉🎊🎉. I hope your sleep was restful and that you feel better and better 💓💪🏼💓💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow 10 hours!!!? How many hours of sleep do you usually get? Thanks for you well wishes. I hope so to hopefully I can force myself to exercise today. I’ve been lacking the energy because of my food source situation, unfortunately. Today, I have to eat bread which doesn’t help with my energy either but its that or nothing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hehe I usually get about 5-6, although several times a week I only get 2-3. So yeah, 10 is huge for me lol 😉👍🏼💖. Oh no, I feel for you about the food situation, my lovely! 💐💐. Do you have issues with gluten? Or is it the lack of protein that’s the issue? Ugh, I’ve been there, my friend. Not an easy situation. 💖💜. I hope you take care of You, dear one 😘❤️💪🏼
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know if I have a gluten issue, but I been trying to eat less bread to be considerate of my other self. If that makes sense. I think its a lack of fruits, veggies, nuts, and smoothies. Protein as far as meat, eggs, and beans is ok. No it isn’t a easy of fun situation but I hope it’s over soon being poor and broke makes me depressed. I’m trying with what I have to take care.
LikeLike
What do you always use two hearts or more? Just curious.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hehe I’m not sure 😊. I guess one just isn’t enough for me lol 😉💞💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mini chuckle.. I like two hearts anyway, it’s better than an alone heart. Hey maybe your two heart represent internet fung shui. Speaking of fund shui I think cleaning helps with my energy flow, which desperately needs to be done around here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes!! I’m a big fan of Feng Shui! Vastuu, too–that’s the Indian Ayurvedic version. They’re different, but both work really well 👍🏼💜👏🏼💓. You are an amazing person!! 😘💚💙
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for correcting my spelling issues. Spelling is kind of a problem for me, or not editing before posting. Why thank you, you’re an amazing person too!! Can you tell me more about the Indian version of Feng Shui?
LikeLike
Oh, and I almost forgot about the Celiac Disease that didn’t cause gastrointestinal symptoms but caused damage to part of my brain instead.
And the neck disc herniation that causes tingling down my arm into the fingers lol. I’m scared that I might have to have neck surgery someday 😱😖😳💖💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
Why do you laugh? Disc herniations are painful. I have one.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I only laugh because otherwise I’ll cry 🌺💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sometimes I trade those emotions for each other too. Its easy to deal with when I can laugh instead of cry.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yep, exactly 😊💓😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
I figure I’ll end up doing one or the other, so I try to laugh instead. It’s not a funny laugh; more of an I’m-trying-not-to-cry laugh 💘💕💘.
I’m so sorry to hear about yours. Disc herniation sucks 💐💐🌷
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was thinking the same thing. How did your disc herniate? Does it hurt really bad?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Strangely enough, I woke up one morning with it. It had herniated overnight in my sleep (!) 😱.
How about yours? 💗
LikeLiked by 1 person
What?! Is that possible? Mine came from an auto accident.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh wow, I’m so sorry to hear 🌷💐🌷
LikeLiked by 1 person
Its ok, I will be completely healed one day soon.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awesome!! I sincerely wish you good luck and speedy healing 😘💖💙
LikeLiked by 1 person
I claim the same over your life, too. Ailment free by the time you reach 40. Orange heart 💚
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sweet! Thank you! The feeling is mutual 💘💘
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s the EDS that made it possible 💞💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
What’s EDS?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (sorry – I drop into my shorthand lingo without thinking) 💞💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
So are you going to do it? I promise you it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as you think it does.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha I am thinking about it! 😁👍🏼. But I’m a total fence-sitter when it comes to that 🤓🌷💗
LikeLike
💖💫⭐🌠🌟🏆🏅💯🌺🌼🌷🌸💥💌 You definitely get points for trying. All gold stars!! Don’t forget to put “self care” after one of those semi colons. I usually ignore the self care and now I have strep😷😩; 😘😍💘💞💝💕; hugs to you my cosmic sister & Dearest Dude🌻🌴😎
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh no😧 Feel better soon!! Take care ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you🌹
LikeLiked by 2 people
You’re welcome
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so kindly, Dearest Dude!! 😁🌺💓🐉💗💜💙😎🌟✨💥🌹🐱🐛 (Dude–my phone is starting to learn Dearest Dude lol!) 😂🙊🍀🌻☀️💫
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yay!👏😆 😍💥☯🎊 🎶💃🎉🌠🌌💫🌞🌛💌🌻🌴😎
LikeLiked by 1 person
Omg I almost forgot about the yin-yang!! ☯☯☯
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yin Yang very important grasshopper. So happy to remind you of emoji🐉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh yes!! (Falls over self with excitement LOLOL) 😂😉🌷💞👍🏼. Thank you!! 😘😉🌺💘👍🏼🐉
LikeLiked by 1 person
The Yin Yang kinda looks like an Oreo to me right now. I kinda want a cookie🍪. 😕 my sleeping meds (Restoril) give me the munchies sometimes. 🍦🍫🍪🍩😯
LikeLiked by 1 person
Omg you’re so right! 😳😜💓💓
LikeLiked by 1 person
Cookies at bedtime are not such a good idea 😒 they make your pants shrink😱😤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Omg you’re not lying! I can’t fit into any of mine anymore!! 😳😘💚💙💜💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I used to exercise daily. Life happened & I stopped. Trying to get back into it but it rough. I keep looking at all my cute shorts that are too small now. You’d think that would be motivation. Naw…. I just wear my elastic waist ones😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh yeah! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. One of my biggest goals is to get back into karate at some point. I’m so afraid of injuring my neck further though, but maybe just maybe, someday… 👍🏼💘🐉💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have bulging & herniated discs in my neck. They haven’t changed in 15 years (15? OMG old) my c-spine curve is gone. Straight line. The herniated & the bulges are toward the spinal cord too. You’ve got EDS though so, yeah, be careful!! Talk to an orthopedist first
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh wow, you too?? Take care of you, my Treasured Dude 😘😘❤️💚
LikeLike
Dang! We are both so physically messed up in different ways. You might be able to get one healthy person from our non broken parts😂😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Totally!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. We should try it 😁👍🏼💗
LikeLiked by 1 person
We’re already using the same cosmic brain, just different operating systems👍😜😘💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
Now I’ve got the munchies too! LOLOL 😳😂😉❤️💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow.. it was a really great post.
“Semicolons rock”
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you very much, dear one! 😊💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
We have to learn the art of making little steps, little step by little step…as Saint Exupery says.
Love, Antonella
LikeLiked by 1 person
True that, my friend! Wise words – I like the way you think 😊💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
And I love your way too!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much! 😘💖💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
Life goes in peaks and troughs, that’s what I’ve learned. It’s difficult to imagine, when you are in a trough, that there is going to be a peak (or at least a slightly elevated plateau) ever again. I know this from myself and my periods of depression (probably not proper clinical depression, more like down in the dumps). I always think, this is it now for the rest of my life. But if I understand your metaphorical semicolons right, you at least see the possibility of a peak when you’re in a trough. I think it takes a lot of mental strength to see that, and that’s quite admirable.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You nailed it 😊 and I thank you very much for your kind words 🌷💓. You’re so right about the peaks and valleys, and yep, when I’m in a valley, I’m trying to look up at the mountain in front of me and figure out a way to climb that sucker 😁💞👍🏼💘
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on American Badass Activists.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so very much! 😁💓🌷💚
LikeLike
Oh, my, it looks like I missed some great conversations! ☺Yes, indeed, there are points for trying! If there weren’t, none of us would receive much of anything! Really, all any of us are doing IS trying. Some are just not as forthcoming about their struggles. This is one Aspie trait I love-we are largely an honest group of people, especially about ourselves. All I know to do is to keep looking to the semi-colons, swinging from one to the other like one of those crazy folks on American Ninja Warrior.😊 Sometimes, we may have to hang on one for quite a spell before we can make the leap to the next, but, somehow, we find the strength. Keep swinging, friend. 😀❤❤❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much, my lovely! Your words are so incredibly encouraging 👏🏼😘❤️. Yep, totally agreed, especially about the self-honesty part! Oh yeah 😁. The ninja is one of my favorite concepts! 👏🏼🐉💘. Strength and love to you, my pretty 😘💕🌺💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are most welcome! And thank you! ❤❤❤I am finding a lot more peace the past few days. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, I’m so glad to hear that, my pretty 😍🤗🎉🎊💘☮
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love this ❤️ keep going girl 🙌🏽
LikeLike