My next post was going to be the second installment in the series I began with the previous post, but I’m elated to take a “side trip”.
During one of my stress-induced interruptions of sleep last night, I checked my email and much to my (very pleasant) surprise, I found this heartwarming gem in my inbox. My partner, unbeknownst to me, during a bout of insomnia of his own, had written an essay of his own, from the heart. To spill his thoughts, especially in writing, is quite uncharacteristic of him. I was deeply touched that not only did he conjure these thoughts, but also that he took the time to painstakingly type them out.
With bare-minimal editing (for spelling/clarity; I attempted to preserve his words as originally and purely as possible), here is what he wrote:
If you like it, post it. I just felt like writing.
As the mostly neuro-typical husband of a newly-realized Aspie, one might imagine how “my” world has been turned upside-down; having to re-write millions of lines of code in my own thought patterns of understanding when it comes to living, and working with my Aspie wife. It’s as if we’ve been living in the dark, and someone turned on the brightest lights you can imagine. There’s a whole new world of discovering, and embracing her true self…for both of us.
Earlier today, while we were going over paperwork in the office, she went off on a tangent (really, I’m not kidding). Somewhere in the midst of a billion thoughts, she asked me if I had noticed anything different about her since her discovery. In the past, I might’ve been taken aback with that question, wondering what it had to do in the slightest with the paperwork and conversation at hand. This time, however, knowing more than I did yesterday, without hesitation, I said ‘Yes”, and predictably, she wanted to know more.
I told her that I had been sensing a general overall calmness surrounding her, a serenity, as best as I could describe it. I said it was almost like she had made peace with herself, but quickly recanted, as the concept of “making peace” might imply that one had accepted something that they weren’t happy with, but would learn to deal with. This was not the case here; she is happy, liberated, and content, on a much deeper level than most people will ever hope to comprehend I think. Earlier in the day, she had come to my office, and said that she had just conducted her first high-level consultation since she realized that she was Aspie. I don’t think much had changed in her delivery, but I could sense a different level of satisfaction, and a newly discovered level of self-esteem. She explained it as “having a conspiratorial secret, that only she knew about”.
As we continued to explore the topic of “…I’m not Josie-Grossie anymore“*, we talked about her new-found freedom, freedom to be who she is meant to be, and no longer having to hide behind some facade imposed by the masses, just to be accepted. It saddens me to think how so many people (Aspies and non-aspies alike) have to live that way just to survive. I never realized how strong she could be…the torture of belonging. For some, a lifetime of anguish; and for others…not as long.
To quote another blogger, “Over the following weeks, a thousand shards seemed to rush together to form a single mirror. I could see myself at last”; and now, for the first time in her life, she begins to see the beautiful swan that she is, and not the ugly-duckling that she was forced to believe she was.
I’m too touched for further words. ❤
(*From the movie “Never Been Kissed”)