‘On’ Again [autistic poetry]

Live and die by the rules
Hierarchy reigns
Step on siblings to climb
Groaning under the strain

No shelter from the world
No such thing as a shield
I am naked out here
Like the middle of a field

All the world is a cage
Except a glimpse now and then
I’m standing center stage
Time to be “on” again
The world wants “on” again

I forgot who I am
Time to dig myself out
Standing before them today
Removing all shreds of doubt

I can’t people today
My fumes are too thin
But there’s no other choice
I must go “on” again
I must turn “on” again

And the world has its rules
That I can’t help but break
But the mask’s coming off
I’m too tired to be fake

I have some time to myself
A few moments alone
Before I collect myself
And I’m “on” again
I have to be “on” again

Don’t live and die by the(ir) rules…


This is one of my most popular posts!


(Image Credit: Mario Sanchez Nevado)


    1. Thank you Wiser Sister!! I’m so elated that you enjoyed it 💗💗. Yes! Art is turning pain into something beautiful; it follows the old “energy is never created or destroyed; it merely changes form” 💞🕉💞☮💓

      Liked by 1 person

  1. “I can’t people today.” So wonderfully expressed, L. ♥︎

    It’s so true the way you describe being on. I admire you for doing this because I understand it so well. I do this every. single. day. Bleh.

    If they ever knew the real us, what really goes on inside, hell if we ever knew the real us, I’d like to believe there would be this massive, collective light bulb moment and the world would finally click with understanding….”Ohhhhhhhh, nowwwww I get it! Uh, duhhhh!”

    But I fear the reality is if they ever really knew our deepest truths, the real struggles underneath it all, they’d go running…they’d be in the wind. Hell, all I’ve had to do sometimes is mention my ASD and poof! Gone. Just like that. All that really taught me was how to use it to GET RID of someone, haha! I flipped it, you see… :o)

    The best is to find those few who are willing to take the time to understand our reality. Then you know it’s tried, tested, approved, true and functioning. Alas, freedom to be you. Freedom to be me. Freedom to be us. The rest of the world be damned. :o)

    Do your dance, bug. You know we’re here in the wings cheering you on, always.

    We get it. Fully.

    Well, I’m off to see the Wizard (and his assistant, the Mad Hatter!) Hehe! 😂

    Mad loves and such as,


    Liked by 5 people

    1. D’oh!! WP must’ve eaten my reply. Let me try again lol 😘

      I’m enamored with your Collective Light Bulb Moment!! It would be quite helpful. I think the world will one day be far more enlightened *yay!*; but alas, I think it will come in slow waves *sigh* ☯💗

      Yes, I have also found Asperger’s/autism to be a wonderful convo-stopper! This can, of course, be used to our advantage 😉😉. Silver linings and such(?)

      The few who do take the time to let us show them our inner reality are such gems! They may understand it on some level, some much more so than others, but it’s all just human traits expressed with different strengths in different combinations, so it *shouldn’t* be completely foreign to anyone. Alas, I think it’s a matter of time and patience for so many. The masses choose other options. A huge shame, really. But it makes the few enlightened ones that much more appreciated and special 😁👍🏼

      The rest of the world be damned indeed!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

      Thank you so much for dancing with me. For getting me. For helping foster bonds that encourage us to be ourselves, all the way around 😘😘😘😘💟☯💟🖐🏼✨🤗💘🌷💖

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Some serious synchronicity sister!
    The overwhelming wave hit me hard also.
    I am going to have to make a Minority Report.

    But seriously, I have been thinking about Agatha,
    Arthur, & Dashiell. Minority Report had a large
    dosage of good old Predictive Programming
    embedded in the story. So understanding how our
    brains are operating on quite a different frequency to
    NTs, it is entirely possible that we experience these
    waves succinctly. They have shown how the world
    brain reacts to certain events days before they happen,
    so this overwhelming force could be a part of that.

    They also showed us self driving cars, & bio-metric &
    retinal scanners, & non-lethal weaponry to boot as they
    say the military is AT LEAST 70 years ahead of what
    we groundlings are in the loop of actually happening.
    (it wouldn’t be top secret if we were) So I have little
    reason to laugh off the many future realities, quite
    the opposite I am rather fascinated by them all.

    Always sending love & light, know you are never alone.💓

    Liked by 6 people

    1. I love our synchronicity!! 😘😘. I also love the terminology you expose me to – Predictive Programming sounds intriguing! I’m with you on the military being so far ahead and the fact that that’s why it’s top secret 😊. It almost seems like The X-Files was much more accurate (at least, in many episodes) than we might otherwise be led to believe! 👽👻🔬🔭⚛☮💟

      Liked by 3 people

      1. You have to watch the episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation
        Season 5 Episode 6 THE GAME. It essentially shows the Smart Phone
        Zombie “Games” of today back in the 90s. More predictive programming.


        Just as we experience Extra Sensory Perception, the masses are now
        experiencing Reduced Sensory Perception via “Smart” Phone Military Tech.
        Smart phones are just synthetic telepathy, which is used to bypass our
        natural telepathic abilities people have experienced through history.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Oooh, I like your perspective! Star Trek is another series that I totally need to get into 😁. I don’t know why I haven’t yet. I guess the right thing at the right time, eh? My X-Files-familiar partner is a big Star Trek fan 😉💘☯🌺🌷☮✨💛🕉💓

          Liked by 2 people

          1. You will become a quick Trekkie! My favorites were The Next Generation,
            (who doesn’t love Patrick Stewart), Voyager w/ Captain Kathryn Janeway!!!
            & Deep Space Nine. Each series has its nuances & weekly moral dilemmas
            but is always optimistic in tone & provided so much inspiration growing up.

            Liked by 1 person

          2. The Star Trek franchise was re-booted in 2009, by J.J Abrams.
            I have to say he did a good job capturing its essence, (with a bit
            of high octane for today) all of the characters are pretty amazing.
            There are 3 films so far. Star Trek / Into Darkness/ & Beyond. 🚀

            Liked by 1 person

        2. Telepathy would be so much easier! A way to bypass having to come up with words, which has increasingly become a challenge for me 😉. ESP and telepathy are much more efficient! The trick is to get the message to the intended recipient(s) without it falling into the Wrong Hands 💚💙🕉💕🖐🏼✨

          Liked by 1 person

        1. Omg cool!!! I’m going to follow this blog 😁😁. It’s interesting how people are rediscovering the X-Files! Good to know I’m not alone. You’re probably going to smile as I tell you my story… 😉

          I had heard much about the X-Files when it was a current show; my partner and I would have these long, metaphysical conversations about deep stuff and even some conspiracies (don’t laugh, anyone; most of them have since proven to be true!), and my partner would say, “You really need to get into the X-Files; they did an episode on this.” But by then, the show was done.

          One day, about 3 years ago, some cable channel did an X-Files marathon and within the first episode or two that I watched, I was hooked lol. We got the whole box set on DVD.

          We watched the entire series then, and we have since broken them back out and we’re watching them again lol.


          Liked by 2 people

          1. I wouldn’t dare to laugh. Conspiracies are realities that have
            not reached the public consciousness. Just like in comedy.
            “If you don’t get the joke, it was not intended for you.”

            The truth passes through 3 stages. First it is ridiculed. Secondly,
            it is violently opposed. Third it is accepted as being self evident.”

            Growing up I LOVED Inspector Gadget (1983), well Penny, who
            had a Wifi computer book & Apple Watch, just look around today…

            Liked by 2 people

            1. Totally!!! Hehe I wouldn’t think you’d be one to laugh or scoff or roll your eyes or anything like that 😉😘💜. I love the 3 stages of truth quote!! I use that one often. Another good one that made me laugh (but is still spot-on!), is when Dr House on the show House MD (another favorite) said, “yeah, well there was a time when washing your hands was considered ‘experimental’, too” 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👍🏼

              You’re so right about Inspector Gadget and Penny!! I didn’t watch the show much but I caught glimpses of it because my sister watched it 😁👍🏼💓💓✨🌟🕉🌷🌺

              Liked by 2 people

          2. There have always been slight glimpses behind the veil.
            I remember Quantum Leap very vividly, & later one of my
            favorites was The Pretender w/ Michael T. Weiss who played
            Jarod, a young prodigy who could be anything or anyone,
            going around fixing wrongs caused by a think tank called
            the Centre. We just get to slowly put them back together.
            As they say hindsight is always 20/20.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. The lines
    “I forgot who I am
    Time to dig myself out”
    took me back to your post about wearing masks when around others and how you keep them on even when alone, out of habit…
    Beautifully written poem ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You’re very welcome 💞. I’m so happy the post spoke to you 😊. I’m also very heartwarmed to meet and hear from parents of autistic children! 😊. I think it’s so neat when nonautistic people seek out the perspectives of autistic people in order to gain insight 👍🏼.

      I’ve got a number of posts that speak were written with parents in mind; I’ve categorized them here: https://thesilentwaveblog.wordpress.com/category/for-parents-of-aspergersautistic-children/

      There’s also a very excellent and comprehensive blog list, which includes autistic parents of autistic children, too, that I think you might find very helpful. That list is here: https://anautismobserver.wordpress.com

      One (out of many) of my favorite blogs from the list above is this one: https://mamautistic.wordpress.com

      And another is this one: https://autnot.wordpress.com

      Your son is really really lucky to have you for a mom! 👏🏼👏🏼❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I love this – the idea of not being able to ‘people today’ – sometimes it’s such hard work having to get up and interact with everyone. I’ve followed your blog – it’s excellent. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

        1. Oh wow! I can’t express how touched I feel 💞🌺💞. Writing has been a form of catharsis for me for the past 25+ years, and I always beam and do cartwheels in my brain whenever somebody notices and likes the cathartic fruit 🤗💖🌟💖

          Liked by 1 person

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