The silent wave has crashed 

It’s 2.30am in the central United States.  I stand in the entryway of the apartment, shoes on, jacket draped over my forearm.  The only thing left is the set of keys on the ledge by the door.

I’m torn, half of me wanting to grab them and run, let him panic and come looking for me, and the other half of me telling myself to knock it off, reminding myself that any “panic” on his part is likely to be merely for show.

To make such an attention-grabbing attempt would be out of character for me anyway.  That’s generally not how I operate.

Besides, even if I were to pull it off, it would likely backfire on me; I possess just enough impulse to daydream about acting in unpredictable ways, but too much impulse control to let my instincts to run overshadow the fact that I haven’t thought any further ahead than the initial escape.

My instincts do tell me to run, though, and they won’t just quietly dissipate on their own. They won’t be ignored easily.

Let’s back up, by a few hours…

He’s banging in the kitchen again, noisily grabbing handfuls of ice cubes from the tray in the freezer.  This is a common occurrence, but tonight it goes on and on, drowning out the already-loud volume on the TV, making me miss words here and there on the show with which I’m trying to unwind.

Worse, the noise is quickly saturating and overdriving my nervous system, and it’s all I can do not to lash out a sudden “shut the fuck UP!”, in a misguided-but-desperate attempt to preserve the last remaining split ends of my frayed nerves.

He finally comes into the living room to say good night, as is our ritual.

I try to turn my seething annoyance into a half-joke, half-hint: “are you finished trying to demolish the kitchen?”  The words seem icy in print, but I’ve put on my best wry grin and kept my tone light.

Maybe I didn’t do it very well, or maybe he’s being his usual humorless self.  The words come under his breath, but he meant for me to hear them, and I did: “whatever”.  His tone, in contrast to mine, is cold and dismissive.

Shock is my weakness, my worst enemy.  It robs me of any ability to respond.

He knows that my sensory abilities are heightened.  He knows how sensitive my nervous system is.  He knows I have trouble winding down at night.

I thought he might have been sensitive, too.  At least enough to be human.

I was wrong.

Giving the benefit of the doubt is one of my biggest mistakes and most glaring flaws.

He went to bed, and probably would have been perfectly fine with forgoing the obligatory “sleep well; I love you”, had I not forced myself to say it first.

I broke down and cried.

Then, a cataclysmic event–actually, series of events–happened.  I had realized early on that he was, shall we say, “underresponsive”.  He has always been a little detached, to put it mildly.  Even as an Aspie/autistic person, I’m a freaking teddy bear compared to him.  If anybody needs an example of someone who lacks empathy, I’m married to it.

All of his intermittent episodes of detachment, aloofness, coolness-sometimes-turning-coldness, gaslighting, stone-face when criticized or complimented, lying, his lack of any friends online or offline, his lack of self-expression, his secretive nature, even right down to his occasional acting out behaviors (kept secret from me, of course), especially when under stress–it all had to add up to something.  It had to be a personality disorder of some sort.

I figured this can’t be normal.  Not even within the increasingly open spectrum of what’s considered normal.  Put it a better way, this can’t be healthy, not even in a neurodiversity paradigm.  Hell, I’m neurodivergent on multiple levels and I’m miserable more often than I’d like to admit.

Misery breeds curiosity sometimes–a compulsion to solve the puzzle.  This usually puts me in touch with Google, much like it did in a happier time, when I was first stepping foot into the Asperger’s/autism spectrum.

And much like the discovery of my being on the spectrum, I came upon a list of traits for various DSM labels.

And, again mirroring my own journey, peering at the list of traits of one label in particular sent my head spinning.

It mirrored all of the characteristics, verbatim.


Oh my god, I thought.  That’s him.

The label in question?  Schizoid personality disorder.

He’s not Aspie at all.  I thought he might have been, but now I have serious doubts.

And unlike my own discovery experience, it was not a happy or liberating moment.

In fact, it was a tighter-chaining, further-imprisoning one.  Because in no way could I attempt to survive without him.

Trapped, pure and simple.

I broke down and cried again.

Hopelessness is heavy.

Sure, I could talk to him, but there’s no treatment or cure for this thing, so it’s not like he’s going to care.  He’s not suddenly going to magically develop feelings for me–or anyone or anything else–that aren’t there.  If anything, he’ll go through the motions and play pretend, like he has all this time.  In the end, he’s still going to remain detached from any aspect of the world, and even if he could change, I’m not so sure he would; after all, everything’s been great for him, except for having to “deal with” an autistic wife who is sensitive and quirky on all levels (mentally, emotionally, and physically).

It’s now 3am, and like the sucker that I have been for the past 18 years, I’m still here this time, too.  I haven’t grabbed my keys off the entryway ledge yet.

Tears dry up eventually, at least until they regroup and refill again.  For the night, there’s no one to talk to.  I’m Silent, at least until the building of another Wave.

But at this moment, and more than likely for the time being, The Silent Wave has crashed.



  1. Laina, are you still there? I’m now really worried about you. I’m glad you didn’t run off without anywhere to go to. You’d have been like Harry Potter, finding himself on the street, but with no Knight Bus to pick you up.
    I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know you well enough and the other people involved not at all. I’m just feeling so much for you right now (hence the slightly incoherent comment).
    You said you can’t attempt to survive without him. But it doesn’t look like you can survive your current situation either. Is it that you need him, specifically, or just someone? Someone else close to be there for you? Move in with a good friend? Find a congenial housemate? It just sounds to me that you have to get out of there in the long run. I know there have been worrying moments before.
    I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said all that, it’s just I’m really worried, and what else do you expect my brain to do than try to “solve the problem”? But I don’t really know the situation, so please forgive me for possibly saying all the wrong things.
    You know, I woke up at 4 am this morning (that’s GMT of course), thinking about all the ways in which I hate my life. After about two weeks of feeling fine I’ve now fallen back into a black hole of anxiety and misery. And then I fired up the computer only to find what you are going through at the same time!

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Oh, my dear friend, what you said was perfect! 💚💙💜. Not at all wrong 👍🏼

      To an extent, a roommate would help, although I have no one in the area that I could do that with 💞. (My job ties me here.). And my job is a partnership with…my husband. 😳. I love how your mind works, though, and I am so thankful for your efforts! Maybe one day, a new opportunity will open up and I can act on your suggestions ❤️❤️

      I can feel your caring and I appreciate it so much 💗. Please please know that I’m available to you, my lovely. You always have an online friend here 💞💞

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Thank you so much, I know I have a friend in you 💖
        I do care for you a lot – been checking WordPress all day to see if you’re alright 😟 Glad to hear from you.
        I really don’t know what I’m talking about though, personally I would never move in with anyone ever again, but other people feel differently. Glad you didn’t take my suggestions the wrong way. 😊

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Laina, I don’t know what to say but my heart is sending you love and courage. Let the wave pass and then put your thinking cap on. There is always a way and always a choice. Sometimes the choices aren’t very good but they can lead on to better things. You are an intelligent woman, stronger than you believe. It takes courage to publish your thoughts, you have an inner fire, you can take control of your fear. You are not trapped.

    I lived with feeling trapped and hopeless for years but I eventually took steps to change my life. It all starts with self-belief. Find someone to talk things through with and in the daylight, with the words being spoken, you can turn the wave of scrambled thoughts and feelings into a plan, Whatever you may decide to do, we’ll be here to encourage you and support you.

    Much love.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you so kindly, girl! ❤️❤️. Your encouragement is so much appreciated! I’m hanging on, hanging in there; what you said gave me strength; I’m so blessed to have people like you in my life 💗💗💗


  3. I also hope you are okay. Not that being okay sounds at all possible with all of these realisations rising up for you. There is not much someone on the other side of the world can do to help you at this moment, but I am here online if you ever need a friend. Love and hugs Deborah

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, sister! 💓💓. I really really appreciate your kind words. Your support is definitely felt from here, and your friendship is so treasured that I can’t fully express it in words ❤️💜💙💚😊

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Laina, “You aren’t alone”. I’m sorry things are so difficult. Do you know what you need to be different? Listen to that. Move toward that.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you very much, Sean 🙂 🙂 Yep, that’s exactly where I’m at right now – trying to figure out what I need to be different. It’s a tough one to pin down in this situation, but I’m coming closer to identifying a short-list 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh honey,
    I’m at a loss finding the words to comfort you here. I can’t really offer any advice except things are never as black as they’re painted. My ex-fiancée and I were happy but we drove each other crazy. We split up and I moved out and the bottom fell out of my world. But it passed. It got better. MUCH better. I met someone new, despite my assumptions I would remain “forever alone” We married and are very very happy now.

    Your happiness is just over the next swell. The current wave may have crashed but the next wave may take you on to distant sunnier shores. You have to ask yourself what you really want. Be selfish, be strong. If that means a period of pain for a lifetime of happiness then like removing a sticking plaster grab it and yank it off quickly. But do not do anything if you’re unsure . Sleep on things, weigh up the pros and cons. Then whatever you decide , fair or foul you strike before you or he can change your mind.

    You deserve to be happy. You need to look after yourself first and foremost.

    As stated above by all the others. I’m here if you need me.


    Liked by 4 people

  6. I didn’t understand all so good what happen, but I feel you are really :-((( let me know I can help you. I stay in touch with your soul and praying for you… ♥♥♥ i love you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you thank you, Cosmic Sister!! 😘😘😘. I appreciate that so very, very much! I’m doing a little better, although still very exhausted, and I know you texted me without strings attached but kindness like that needs acknowledgment, so as soon as I have the words back, I’ll reply with something coherent 😊💓💞. 🌺🌷🌸🍀🙏🏼💙💜💗💓💞❤️🍾🍻😍💙💚💜🌸🤗🤗👌🏼👊🏼🙌🏼🙊🦄🐾🐾🌻🌼🌎🌵🌴🐲🐉

      Liked by 2 people

  7. (((((Laina))))) This sounds like more than, “damn, he’s pissed me off again and I should just leave his sorry ass.” It sounds like a soul-defining moment for you. The middle of the night is not the best time to make a concrete plan, and I hope the light of day helps you feel more settled. I worry that you say you’re trapped, and that you can’t survive without him. Laina, honey, there’s always a way. It isn’t obvious right now, but there are resources and options. Always. “Trapped” is no way to go through life, and isn’t safe.

    At the same time, there are other things to consider in the clear light of day, practical things like how to get enough sleep (you’re not), and how to manage your daily life so that you’re not so dependent until you can formulate a long term strategy.

    And ultimately you do need to consider your happiness. Some couples end up with an understanding that while they don’t necessarily romantic love each other, they are comfortable being roommates and just deal. But if there’s trauma, or if there’s emotional damage, or physical harm, safety comes first. And there’s always, always a way. I tell my girls that everything is solveable. The solution may not present itself this morning, or even tomorrow. But there is always a way.

    There are also dozens of us who, while we may not know you in person, are always, always here for you. ❤

    Liked by 5 people

  8. I’ll do the autistic cliche thing and tell you that you will survive (with or without the ominous “him”) and get better, and don’t you dare think otherwise.
    Also, wp tells me that you wrote this 5 hours ago, and I dearly hope that that (very short) time helped, because I am sincerely worried, dear internet friend.

    Right, back to being soulless: Being convinced that all was awful, relationship wise, but that I could never leave, because I had no place to go and would not survive on my own anyway, was among the, ahem, highlights of my 15+ years of chronic depression. My case for that seemed extremely strong and yet, spoiler, I was utterly wrong. And so are you. No matter what you decide, once you are feeling a little better (after A LOT of selfcare), you will be able to see it through. Absolutely. Totally. Indubitably.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh, sweet sis, I have been so worried about you! I knew something had to be wrong, but I wasn’t sure just what. Oh, how I wish I did not understand so well, but I have been where you are( and sometimes fear myself to be somewhere in that vicinity again, if I am honest.) 😔 My heart wrenches for you right now. I wish I could fix it all for you, but, barring that, please know you are loved and being prayed for. 💓💓💓💓💓If you want to talk further, please feel We are getting ready for a road trip, but I will be checking in frequently, especially with my dear ones.💓💓💓💓💓😘😘😘😘😘

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so very very much 💗💗💗. You have such a beautiful and kind spirit, and you are such a blessing in my life, girl 🌺🌸🌷🍀🍀🙏🏼🙏🏼. I will definitely copy paste your email into my address book 😍😍. Please know that my door is always, always open for you as well 😘😘. Mine is 4thconsciousness, same domain 💞💗💞💗💞

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are very welcome! You are a blessing to me, too. I will get that saved to my address book straight away. 💓💓💓

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I think WordPress ate my reply, so I will try again…Sweet sis, I am glad to hear from you, as I have honestly been worried, but so sad to see this has what’s been going on. 😔 To say I understand is an understatement. I have been here, and, if I can stand to say it, fear I could be in that vicinity again. I wish I could fix it all for you, but, barring that, know you are so loved and being prayed for. I am not on Twitter anymore, but e-mail if you need. ( We will be on the road soon, but I plan to check in frequently, especially with my dear ones. 💓💓💓💓💓😘😘😘😘😘

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of that. Take care of yourself and do what is best for you. I don’t think anyone here is trying to instigate a move that is ultimately going to be more upsetting in the end. Honestly, if you’ve been ‘keys in your hand’ more than a couple times, it might be about time you consider doing it for good. I find that a selfish person will not just let their lover go, even when there is no love left.
    All the best. ☺ Stay strong! 💪💛

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Well, I am just confused why my comments are disappearing, but, where I am losing energy to retype, I don’t want you thinking I don’t care. I will keep it short and sweet. I love you, sis, I understand all too well, and sending lots of hugs and prayers. 😘😘😘😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s all good, sweet friend 😘❤️. For some reason, WP flagged them for moderation 💞💞. I would never doubt that you care, and the feeling is very mutual 🌺🌺. I can’t thank you enough, my lovely 💚💙💜💙💚

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh, ok. That makes sense! Maybe it’s because I put in an email address. You are most welcome, dear one! And thank you! 😘😘😘😘

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Yep. Absolutely. Supporting one another is so important. You have been tremendously helpful to me. Glad if I can at all return the favor.💓

        Liked by 1 person

  14. basically making my presence known here. a few times ive been ready to comment, then re-evaluated. each time the comment was different. i would say “i dont know what to say,” but “i dont know which to say” would be more accurate.

    this is far too important to guess which. so instead, i will just point out that im here, and i read your post, and i liked a couple of comments that i thought were more insightful or helpful than anything i could say at the moment.

    Liked by 3 people

  15. I’m so sorry… I don’t know what’s happening, there seems to be a common thread in our recent posts ~ family dilemmas, unresolved conflict and tension. I don’t have the solution to prevent a crash but I hope our strengths can build you up again.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you thank you, Spirit Sibling 😘❤️❤️. It’s pretty amazing to see the common threads in our posts! There are so many others, too – everywhere I turn, I’m reminded that we’re not alone 💚💙💜. Your words give me strength, and I’d like to give some mutually to you, too! Building each other up is a beautiful idea 👏🏼👏🏼💜💓💜

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Relationships are so difficult, complicated by our own insecurities. I am sorry to hear you are going through this. Trust yourself – you seem to have good insights – and you will find your way.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you very much, dear friend 💜💙. I really appreciate your reaching out to me. Your words are wise ones! And I have plenty of insecurities, so I am doubly thankful for your encouragement 👍🏼💞💞

      Liked by 1 person

  17. also, perhaps marriage counseling is an option. its worth trying if you can get both parties interested in it at the same time. that implies a possible wait until both parties are interested.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. i would recommend leaving labels out, at least at first. when couples go to counseling, i think they both think theyre in court. its unfortunate that legal mediation doesnt have a greater hold in our culture, or people might go into marriage counseling with better metaphors.

        its really about finding a way to create a situation that works for both of you, if that is possible to attain. its NOT about whats wrong (with either of you.) sure, it is necessary to talk about whats wrong to get to solutions. but if you want to get everything off your chest, use a private counselor. when you go to marriage counseling, focus as much as possible on “what would make this situation more acceptable?” rather than “how many things can i list that are wrong?”

        as youre looking for someone to mediate your relationship, ask yourself what you really need and want out of this. alexithymia could make that tricky, but its the only real question youre trying to answer in all this. if alexithymia does play a role, then dont try too hard to answer it early– other than that, theres no reason not to get started with the question. “emotional support” is the obvious central theme in this. good hunting.

        Liked by 1 person

  18. I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation Laina. I don’t want to offer advice, because from this distance I can’t say what’s right or wrong for you, except to say, it’s been 18 years, take your time, don’t have a knee jerk reaction, a little while longer won’t hurt while you review carefully, gather your thoughts and plans. If you aren’t in any harm (are you?) there’s no reason to rush. Think through your options first and plan. Take care. X

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You’re perfectly spot-on! You’re absolutely right – it’s been a long time, and taking deep breaths and taking my time will prove (and is already proving) to be crucial and wise. My impulsive nature can be strong, but in the end, caution wins out. You’e right, I need to gather my thoughts and carefully weigh all options before plunging forward 🙂 ❤ ❤


  19. I’m reminded of the lyrics of one of my favorite songs:

    “How can I be sure when your intrusion is my illusion? How can I be sure when all the time you change my mind? I ask for more and more; how can I be sure when you don’t give me love? (You give me pale shelter.) You don’t give me love (You give me cold hands), and I can’t operate on this failure when all I want to be is completely in command.

    How can I be sure? For all you say you keep me waiting? How can I be sure? For all you do is see me through. I ask for more and more; how can I be sure when you don’t give me love? (You give me pale shelter.) You don’t give me love (You give me cold hands), and I can’t operate on this failure when all I want to be is completely in command.

    I’ve been here before – there is no why no need to try. I thought you had it all; I’m calling you (I’m calling you). I ask for more and more; how can I be sure when you don’t give me love? (You give me pale shelter.) You don’t give me love (You give me cold hands), and I can’t operate on this failure when all I want to be is completely in command.

    You don’t give me love. You don’t give me love.”

    Though the songwriter (Roland Orzabal) claims the song is more of a love story gone bad between a parent and a child, I can’t help but wonder if he experienced a relationship with someone like you describe and penned those words from that experience. It sounds almost like what you’ve been in for the past 18 years.

    I don’t know what to tell you other than good luck and whatever decision you make you have my support. You have my digits, use them if need be.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Wow! Talk about synchronicity. It’s kind of a mirror, almost. It’s true that he can be loving in unusual ways, and I think that deep down he does love me, but yeah, the emotional expression and affectionate demonstration have been muted. Completely un-vivid. I don’t expect romance or partnership the way it is portrayed on TV or in the movies or books or anything, but geez lol. This is sort of the opposite of that. Thank you to infinite magnitudes for your support! You’ve helped me, so much, to hang on 🙂 ❤ ❤


  20. Sorry you’re having a rough time. Have you read much about the Narcissist-Empath relationship? If not, I recommend doing so. I don’t have any specific suggestions, but there’s plenty out there with good info. That research has been the most helpful for me in my journey away from victimhood. Oddly enough, Pinterest has all kinds of pins about narcissism and the like. Sending you love, strength, and solildarity. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes! (Applause to you!) Thank you so much for the reminder. Yep, I’ve read a bit about that and yep, there are some definite similarities! At first (a couple years ago) I thought he *was* a narcissist, but then I realized that he didn’t display a lot of the principal or subtle characteristics – the grandiosity isn’t there and the behaviors like gaslighting, etc, aren’t very prominent. But when they happen, they happen, and they have indeed happened a handful of times over the years. But there is indeed a lot of overlap between what I see going on with him and what you describe. The Schizoid-romantic Aspie dynamic appears to be extremely similar to the Narcissist-Empath dynamic, creating much of the same in terms of emotions, feelings/vibes, thoughts, reactions, etc. Thank you so much for reminding me about this! I do believe I’ll take another look at it – it’ll probably ring even truer. 🙂 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you for your support, my lovely 💓. I think they’re starting to, although I’m not quite sure how, as very little has changed since yesterday 😉💚. I did get an acupuncture treatment yesterday and a huge amount of sleep last night, so maybe that’s why (?). Yep, my family has schizophrenia (2 great aunts), and unbeknownst to us until later, a family friend was NPD, who ended up scamming my family to the point where it made history in one of the states 😳. The official story is that these disorders are supposed to be rare, but I think they’re actually quite common and simply underreported 💙💜. Thank you very much for reaching out in support and standing by me; I’m so lucky to have people like you in my life! 💙💜💙

          Liked by 1 person

          1. 🤗😘 I agree. I think disorders like those are much more common than current statistics reflect. My mother, sister, and ex husband are all undiagnosed, as is my aspie father. #stigma

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Agreed 😘❤️. I’m almost certain that my dad and sister are Aspie, and that my partner is schizoid personality, and all are undiagnosed. I was only diagnosed Aspie last year. Yep, I think you nailed it – LOTS of under-representation 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🌺🌸🌺

              Liked by 1 person

  21. I’m really sorry that you’re having a bad time. Take time to take care of yourself, it’s easy to forget simple things like eating, sleeping, relaxing… Can’t remember if I already told you but I used to be in a relationship with a guy for 8 years, we had a house and a business together. Two years before our separation he was diagnosed bipolar. The last 3 years of our relationship have been a nightmare, I shall write a book… Anyway, I choose to leave him, and yes, that means I also lost my job and went through some really tough times. But, in the end, it was worth it. Not saying ending your relationship is the right answer for you, schizoid personality disorder is not bipolar. Just saying that if ever you choose this way, you’re going to find solutions. Until this fall, when my family doctor spotted autism, I was labelled (since teenage, without having been told until my late 30’s) schizoid. Just because doctors and other medical/social staff where not aware of the other aspects of myself (like the sensory issues, the executive function issue, etc). All they saw was that I had difficulties with relationships, so they labelled me schizoid. I’m wondering if you should have a discussion with your guy. I mean, maybe there are aspects that you don’t see (because he doesn’t say them, just like it was for me with the medical/social staff, not that I didn’t want to tell them, but they never asked the right questions – until that doctor). Asking specific questions could help you better understand him, and then figuring out what you should do knowing the reality (instead of basing decisions on “guesses”, and I’m not saying you’re not good at guessing, just that guessing is always risky). That is possible only if he is willing to talk openly/honestly to you however…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! ❤️❤️. So much valuable insight here 👏🏼👏🏼. You’re right on about so many things 😊. We’re currently having bite-sized discussions as we can snag the time and energy 💚💙. I’ll keep y’all posted on what comes of them 💗💗


  22. (I didn’t read through all the comments, sorry!). Little sister, I want to pull you into my lap and rock and cry with you. I’m holding you in my thoughts and sending lots of love and peace. 😘💜💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Laina, I feel for you. You already know a little bit about me. I know what’s like to feel like that, trapped. Please, please, please, take care of yourself. Whatever you decide to do, plan it well. But like you said, these people don’t change. Do not wait too long to do something about it. You come first. When it comes to narcs, sociopaths, and the likes, we always come first. For our own sake, safety, health, and mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, my precious friend, your words mean so very much to me! Such wisdom contained therein!
      Thank you so, so much. You are so right – not to wait too long. And you’re right – people don’t generally change. The bright side is that my partner has shown some good initiative in recent years – he simply needed some enlightenment. But there is a nagging question inside me – how much of it is real and how much of it is self-serving on his part? Time will tell; it always does. I can only hope; hope is all there is left. Maybe it’s a pair of rose-ish colored glasses on my part, or maybe there is a ray of sunny possibility. I will most definitely keep your words in mind! You’ve been there, so you “get it” ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  24. Can’t live with him, can’t live without him… bit of a predicament 🙂
    I don’t even know you – only reading your blog for first time now, after you liked my recent post, so feel free to ignore my comment if I am out of line – I am a recently diagnosed Aspie who was unhappily married for 25 years… until he came home one day and announced that HE had decided that WE would be happier apart, while he packed, and left… best thing he ever did for me 🙂
    I think it is an Aspie trait, that I am very loyal… I had made a wedding vow and i was keeping my promise.. and I was blaming myself for everything that was wrong (which worked fine for him – he was blaming me)… he was probably not really a bad person, and nor was I… but we were bad for each other… and we dragged each other down, for way too long…
    I am not saying that is the case with you… but it might be… or ot might not… but when i was IN that situation, I didn’t have a clue that it was happening… at least not one I understood – lol
    Either way – maybe you (either both of you, or just you) might benefit from some outside help – relationship counselling or psychologist or? … someone to talk to, to help you work out what is actually going on, so you have the information to make the right decision … and who, if you stay together – can help you support each other better, or if you realise you should not be with him – can help you with how you can actually live without him… because I am sure if you decided you had to – you can 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow, dear one ❤ Thank you so much for sharing your story! I cherish and welcome your perspective and your willingness to share it, which I can imagine might not be easy to do. You're not out of line at all ❤ I see a lot of parallels between us; loyalty, etc. I think you nailed it with the counseling idea – I'm in the process of looking into that now, motivated by your words and those of a few on here – you are all very encouraging and for that I'm truly blessed! Again, I can't thank you enough ❤ ❤


  25. I don’t really know what to say- I’ve nor met your husband, so I’m nor anyone else here is in a position to judge the situation. What I can say though, is I’ve been with someone like that.
    I get the problem with all the crashing and banging. Bane of my existence. I grew up with it.
    I just wonder if it’s that they can’t feel or that they’ve shut down.
    Do you get any shows of affection from them? Say, like a gift or something?
    Again, I’ve never met them. You might be right. But at times people seem cold and inhuman when they actually are hurting inside. The Eyes look “dead”, The voice seems lilted and stiff.
    That’s all I’ve got really.
    Because I’m pretty-much in the same boat right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through something similar! It’s hard and painful. ❤ You bring up some really fantastic questions – shows of affection – that has always been a sticking point, as I like to be hugged and whispered kind words to. There has been a drought of that for most of our relationship. Gifts are a little more forthcoming. It is very possible that he is also hurting inside, feeling alienated from the world. His parents are very nice people, but not the wisest or the most proactive; compounding that with the fact that he's legally blind, resenting living in a fully-sighted world. I think he fears rejection, so when he senses the possibility of such, he withdraws and tends not to even try. I can't say I blame him. But a wife is not someone he should withdraw from! ❤ We are strong, you and I. I know I've only met you recently, but there are some things you can just tell 🙂 We will get through this. I'll walk with you if you like ❤

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Woops. Darn you you enter key! Why do you betray me like this? Anyway, Where was I? Feel free to delete that. I hope it’s okay to keep rambling?
          The hugging drought is real. Arrrgh. I can relate so much. But
          Guys often don’t express their feelings much. I’ve only just got the hang of it recently.. Anyway, From personal experience- bashing around in the ice may be a kind of catharsis for him. And that does NOT make it okay though.
          And If he’s blind as well? That sucks. it really sucks.
          So I guessing he deals with most of the bills and things? (feel free to correct me If I’m wrong.)
          Things that people like ourselves seem woefully ill equipped to handle. (we’re not lazy though)
          I sometimes feel like an overgrown child. In a good way, but it makes it hard.
          So You feel stuck. Unable to set out on your own. I live with my father. I won’t get into that. But he’s un-diagnosed Aspergers and sometimes I feel like I’m doing the parenting.. Other times I want to run away. Sigh.
          I guess we are feels funny to say that. resilient maybe? Yeah. Let’s all walk together, you emoticon loving people!

          Liked by 1 person

  26. This sounds so hard. In my experience, it’s nearly impossible to change the person or relationship dynamic from within. They can be a beautiful person with the potential to change, but not with you. Not within the relationship dynamic you’ve had for years. You sound like you need to escape. I thought it sounded like you might try a women’s shelter. But if you generally feel safe, then plan and think and set up a new way forward as others here have advised.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your supportive and caring words! 💙💙. I’m really lucky in that I feel safe; he’s never violent. You’re so right, it’s very tough for someone to change, even if/when they want to. I’m seeing some positive signs, so I’m encouraged by that 💞. There are times, very occasionally but nonetheless real, in which I feel a need to escape. Currently, I’m trying to sort through that feeling and determine what might fuel those thoughts. Is it him? Is it me? I timidly take each day at a time, trying to find the lesson in the darkness 💜. Even though I’ve been blogging less often on here (and a bit more often on my “other” blog 😊), I’ll try to keep you and others posted on my/our progress 💚💙. Meanwhile, I feel so blessed to have the caring support of people like you, and I thank you with every fiber of my being 🌺🌷🌺


  27. Strange dream(s) I had recently, both involving huge and predatory dogs. (They might be analgous to your situation, which is why I’m posting my recollections)

    The first instance, the dog – huge, built like a hell-hound, the size of a shetland pony – sprung from hiding as I opened the iron-barred gate from my yard to ‘outside’.

    I closed the door forcefully, catching the animal’s head. He – it – jerked outside, though he was hurt enough that he ran off right away.

    The second dream had me distracted – I was talking to someone – and again, Señor hell-hound charged the gate, coming from *nowhere*. I was a millisecond slower this time – and somehow, I pulled the gate shut **so** forcefully on the dog’s neck that he went stiff as a statue upon the instant – and remained so for a few seconds after I opened the gate, untill something happened and he toppled over as if he were a plaster statue with a soundless crash.

    He just lay there, immobile. He seemed made of stone, stiff as a rockpile.

    “You broke his neck,” said my companion, who then noted that I’d gone speechless, as if I’d just survived a week of shellfire somewhere in a ww1 trench – flanders’ fields with rats and shells subbing for poppies.

    I was taken somewhere- that dog was trouble – and then I woke up.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Oh, bother…
    This really sucks.
    What’s going on now?
    I’ve got what to say, but it’s hard to be blunt…
    Take care, Laina 💐

    Liked by 1 person

          1. Me?
            Very tired, exhausted nearly, but glad to have finished with my exams. MH degree was draining, so much stereotype… They’ve managed to make it so humanistically holistic that they’re looking for some balance now. Computerised CBT? Ain’t that sweet? What’s next? Online Behavioural Re-Programming? Duh…
            Hope PgCert will be more on the psychoanalytical side 👾

            Liked by 1 person

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