I may have a social disability. I may say or do things that seem strange to you or put you off or leave you wondering.
This could–and sometimes does–lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary hurt feelings, on either side–or both sides.
I want to be your friend. It’s just that aspects of life that the general population may take for granted as natural and intuitive are, for me, anything but. Aspects like communication (whether verbal or by way of facial expressions and/or body language), socialization, etiquette, and so on and on and on.
It’s not you; it’s me. Well, actually, it’s our intersection. It’s not a character flaw, just a neurodevelopmental variant. It happens, and it’s OK.
I’ll explain. In fact, I’ll provide you with a mini-handbook, a roadmap to the inside of the social areas of my brain.
I’m just not into gossip. I’m not into hearing about people I don’t know. It’s clutter in my brain that I can’t clear out.
I don’t want to go to a noisy place. Being seen somewhere trendy is somewhere well underneath my priority list. I thrive best in small, cozy, intimate settings, ones that the average extrovert might find boring. Quiet, calm places with few people, neutral-colored decor, and dim-ish, ambient lighting.
When it comes to small talk, I don’t know what to say. So when the topic is more superficial or otherwise outside of my interests (which are actually quite varied), I tend to flub and flounder. There may be sudden pauses and awkward silences. I tend to gravitate toward people with whom that’s OK, with whom I don’t feel so awkward during those pauses and periods of silence.
I’m not “up on” most current events or major public figures. I tend not to be too interested in people as a rule, although I can assure you that if I’m spending time with you, I’m interested in you.
I can’t eat at certain restaurants, because I taste food very strongly, and my tastebuds are selective. I do enjoy a variety of cuisines and flavors, but I tend to be selective within each cuisine.
I’m not interested in the vast majority of the movies in theaters these days. The last movie I saw was Lucy, in 2012.
You can tell me practically anything; your secret is safe with me. I operate a mostly Judgment-Free Zone, and you’d be surprised what you can tell me that you might not be comfortable telling anyone else, with no ostracism from me.
I may have to break a commitment, sometimes with not much notice, if my mental or social energy just isn’t there. I’m kind of a different person when I run low. I’m not, really, but I’m probably going to seem that way. If I have to bail on you on short notice, please know that that was a very last resort, and I feel really bad about having to do it.
I may not be wonderful at keeping in contact with you on a regular basis, but if I know that you’re going through a particularly tough time, I’ll be there for you.
That said, please don’t ignore me until you want something. I’m not a commodity to be consumed or a resource to be used and then put away. I’m not a potential sales prospect. I’m a person in your personal life. I’m also a great listener and sounding board, but I’m not a counselor, and I can only handle so much bad news, even if it doesn’t involve me directly.
If you tell me about a problem, I might launch into “fix-it” mode, when really all you needed was someone to nod and say, “I hear you”. Oops. I don’t mean to not be there for you, nor am I trying to tell you what to do; I’m simply trying to ease your pain by way of the most constructive avenue I can think of, and that’s to offer potential solutions or ideas. If this happens, please don’t take offense.
My friendships are quality over quantity, so if we’re hanging out, you’re probably one of three active friendships in my life at that time.
I may be crappy at responding to emails or texts, but I try my best.
Last but not least, don’t worry if we don’t have contact for a while. You haven’t dropped off my radar or out of my mind. I’m probably thinking about you every day, hoping you are well, and when we reconnect, there won’t be any questions asked about our dormant time, nor any reacquainting awkwardness; when we get together again, we’ll just pick up where we left off. 🙂
***
This is one of my most popular posts!
❤
❤
❤
Nothing wrong with any of this! 😀
LikeLiked by 5 people
Thank you 😘❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my gosh this is just as if I wrote it myself! I resonate with 100% of what you wrote!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, dear one! I’m so happy you enjoyed it and that it resonated so much with you! 😊 It’s always cool to know we’re not alone ❤️
LikeLike
You sound like a great friend to me – I hope I’m as good a friend as that. 🙂
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thank you 😊. I think you are 💓
LikeLiked by 3 people
This sounds a lot like me, although I’m not sure in my case what is borderline Asperger’s and what is clinical depression or social anxiety. I guess it’s all neurodivergence either way.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much for reading and commenting 😊. There does indeed seem to be some overlap, especially involving Asperger’s and social anxiety 💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love this. 😘As always, I really relate.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Awww thank you so much, Sister 😘💚💙
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’d love to have a friend like you ❤
LikeLiked by 4 people
Awww thank you so much! ❤️. Likewise! 🙌🙌
LikeLike
Thanks for the insight! As always, so very helpful for a neurotypical 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you very much! I’m so happy it helps 😘💙
LikeLike
Another wonderful post. I just always love your authenticity.
😊
LikeLiked by 2 people
Awww! 😘. Thank you so much for reading and the gift of your kind words 💗💗
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very nice, and I can relate to you. Especially the part about getting overstimulated. My current partner and housemate is a very outspoken and pessimistic idealist. Sometimes I just have to leave the room when he is on one of his rants, even though it’s not about or even directly related to me — I’m just his audience. Thanks for sharing your perspective. Be well.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you very much! 🌺. Yep, I can relate to the both of you! I’m an INTJ Myers-Briggs type, which is known for its jaded/cynical idealism 😉😁. Good on you for doing what you need to do to take care of You 💖🌟
LikeLiked by 1 person
Introverts unite! He is INTJ and I flip between INTP and INFP depending on my emotional state. I was INTJ, too, before I began a yoga practice and accepted a new personal philosophy.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Awesome! 😁👏🏼. I need to get back into yoga. And physical activity in general, for that matter 😉💪🏼. Introverts unite indeed! My partner is an INTJ, too lol. The “J” in my INTJ is fairly close to “P”, probably a 55-45 split (or less lol) 😂💖💖
LikeLiked by 2 people
A lot of things that you have said there I do them too. Honestly, to me you really sound like a genuine friend!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much! 😘. I absolutely try to be ❤️💞
LikeLike
❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Die Erste Eslarner Zeitung – Aus und über Eslarn, sowie die bayerisch-tschechische Region!.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you very much, dear friend 😊💚💙
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Laina! Love your open minded writing and thoughts. 😉 Michael
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awww, you’re welcome, and thank you! ❤️🌟
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love this..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, my lovely 💗💗
LikeLike
The timing of this is excellent as I’ve been (low level) berating myself for missing an appointment, and not giving 48 hours notice (because even I don’t get 48 hours notice, and it’s MY body.) I got an email with the scolding, reminding me how someone else could have been seen (if I wasn’t wasting their time having a panic attack in my car because an ambulance passed me with sirens blaring on my way to the appointment.)
I’ve mentally composed an email response laced with my frustration, but it didn’t silence my regret. Then I read this, and it’s all the words I couldn’t find or arrange properly, and it’s spaced just right for my weird reading glitches, and in my language and now I’m crying happy tears because I love you and I’m so glad you exist. Mwah! (Sorry for the untranslated reply, but I know you’re fluent in Alison.)
LikeLiked by 4 people
Awww! Wiser Sister, thank you for such beautiful words 😘😘. Reading your comment made me tear up, too! ❤️❤️. I’m so sorry to hear about what happened today 💐💐💐. This time I can truthfully say that I understand 💞. Ambulances do the same thing to me; as an appointment-based doctor, I can almost-100% assure you that if they knew the circumstances, they would understand 💚💙. Please please let yourself off the hook, my lovely; send them an email tomorrow, explaining what happened (if you’re comfortable telling them), and if it’s not well received, then they are simply inhuman 😘😘💖🌟💖💪🏽. Love you lots! Mwah!! 😘😘😘🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽💟
LikeLiked by 2 people
Even though I am an ADD extrovert (albeit one who craves and needs “recharge time” alone, more than many), I relate to almost all of this, Laina. I tend to say whatever I’m thinking, so I’m frequently confused (and hurt!) by those who “gunny sack” – only telling me about some way I did not live up to their expectations long after, when I can barely recall the event.
People who communicate in “hints” make me crazy. I don’t walk on eggshells well. Don’t say “It’s been a long day” and expect me to respond by leaving you alone to recover. My instinct is to stay and do what I can to make you feel better. It wears me out to have to second-guess what folks really mean – especially when they seem to believe I “should” already know.
I also have no internal sense of time. I’m always thrilled to hear from one of my friends, but not if they begin by telling me how long they’ve been waiting for ME to call *them* — like I’m supposed to track tit for tat in my datebook to keep everything even: Pay bills, call so and so? I seldom personalize the actions of others, so I find it difficult to understand folks who do. Unless it is overt and pointed, I assume it’s not about me.
I could go on, but you’ve already said it all better than I would. Loved this post!
xx,
mgh
(Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
ADD/EFD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
“It takes a village to educate a world!”
LikeLiked by 2 people
This, so many times over!! 👏🏼👏🏼. About the only thing that differs sometimes is that sometimes I have a sense of time, although that’s not a universal constant for me lol. Sometimes it’s there, and sometimes it’s not. So I can relate on a certain level 😁
Everything else you said – me too!! The tit for tat, I never had the need to keep score like that, either. It just seems so petty.
Indirect hints are lost on me, too lol. If someone needs Alone Time and I’m feeling chatty and not picking up on the subtleties, it’s OK with me (and even preferred) if they come right out and tell me what they’re feeling and what they need. I’ve gotten a bit better over the years at deciphering these cues, but sometimes they’re still elusive to me lol 😂
You said it wonderfully 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💪🏼💟🙌🏼💗
LikeLiked by 1 person
I guess the bottom line is that we are ALL different, and none of us are mind readers. 🙂 We need to, as they say to young kids, “use our words.”
When people accuse me of intending something that couldn’t be farther from the mind, I always wonder if that’s what *they* do. It becomes an entire room full of “eggshells” after that! It always activates my startle response and shuts me down, and I’m never sure how/when to bring it up again once I’ve recovered.
Crazy, huh? ❤
xx,
mgh
LikeLiked by 2 people
Omg I’m with you! Not crazy, luv, you’re just you! And it amazes me how similar 2 otherwise unrelated people can be 💜💟
LikeLiked by 1 person
If we lived next door to each other we’d probably be GREAT friends – getting together every decade or so – lol – with neither of us making a fuss over the passage of time as we caught up right where we left off. 🙂
xx,
mgh
LikeLike
Dear Laina, I would really like to reblog this if you don’t mind. I’ve reblogged several of your posts and currently feeling that maybe I shouldn’t keep doing that. You have such a wonderful way of expressing yourself with words. ❤ 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Tracey, I suspect Laina may have overlooked this comment. Her policy on reblogs is given under the menu item “Comments & Reblogs – Thank you!” at the top of the page.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you AABL for replying for me! 💖💖. I appreciate that; my WP app has been a bit shaky for a while now, and I don’t think I’m getting all of my notifications 💜💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi my lovely!! Oh dear, An Autism Observer is right – I did not see this comment! I’m so sorry 💚💙. My WP app (iPhone) (probably outdated by now!) has been a little shaky lately 😳😳
Yes please, by all means, you may reblog anything you like! 😘😘. It’s a definite honor; thank you! ❤️❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re very welcome, and thank You! 😊💖🌟💖
LikeLike
You sound like a great person to me
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awww thank you very much, dear! 😘. Likewise ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
My pleasure
LikeLiked by 1 person
You have picked the lock on me! I could have written this; but I didn’t. You did, and I thank you for it! I shared it to my “friends only” on facebook. Thank you, thank you again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awww thank you so much!! 💗. Your words have always been so kind and encouraging 💚💙
LikeLike
💖 The song of my soul sister 💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awwww that’s awesome! I would love to hang out with you offline someday 💝☸💝
LikeLiked by 1 person
The feeling is mutual. ☺️
It has been such a blessing to have discovered
you and your blog. Not a day goes by when
your words and writing cross my mind.
You are a shining light for so many people, and
you have only just begun. Sending much love 💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
Omg you made my day 😘😘. How incredibly wonderful a gift you gave me with your lovely comment 💜💙. Likewise, my lovely sibling, likewise 😘💝☮💞👾🍾☄🌷
LikeLike
For the most part, I feel the same way. That was such a good and honest post and you say things that I wish I had been able to say to people in the past that I have now lost all contact with. Of course, I didn’t know that I was autistic then so couldn’t comprehend my behaviour at the time.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you so much for your kind words 💞. I can very much relate! Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to go back in time, just for a moment, just long enough to impart our current insight to the relationships and situations we faced then? 😊
LikeLiked by 2 people
Likewise. I have lost people and never known why.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yep, same here 💐. Painful, confusing 💞
LikeLike
Can relate to so much of this, friendships are the biggest struggle I have, and something of a major issue right now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel you, friend 💞. I’ve been there, and it’s not fun 💐. I hope things calm down for you soon! Thinking of you ❤️
LikeLike
Thanks. Just feeling very isolated as usual. I have people I know, that I occasionally talk to online but they arent really friends, no one I could really talk to, if you know what I mean, not people who actively include me in their lives or that I am anything more than a footnote to. It bothers me more than I wish it did, especially when i see people posting stuff about their friends, and what good friends etc. Its the one thing I know I miss out on life that I actually miss. But….
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awww 💐💞. I hear you 👍🏼. I have a few good friends – 2 offline besties, and a handful of online lovelies, and a few other online peeps I care about and talk with more casually 🌷. But yeah, it can still be pretty lonely, especially when the offline besties live really far away, and I can see them maybe once every year or two 🌺. Seems like I’m either grieving for not being able to be with them, and/or I feel very isolated. It’s also a lot of effort to keep in touch with people and help them through tough times and whatnot. I wish the isolation didn’t bother me as much, too, and I also wish I had more social energy to interact more and do more 💝. It gets lonely out there 😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really don’t believe you should consider yourself as having a “social disability.” You view and interact in this world differently than the norm; and, I think that’s a wonderful gift. In San Francisco, today, 5-October-2017, the sky is blue to me, and that’s all I see. I would love to see that same sky through your eyes.
I would love to taste the 21 ounce in-bone filet mignon that I order at Osso Steakhouse in San Francisco through your taste-buds.
I believe, based upon my readings of you, you view and experience the world so amazingly wonderful; I wish I can experience it through your lens, your sense of taste, smell, and touch.
As I journey through my life, I don’t believe in “norms” anymore — it took me 15 years to get to my own independent way of thinking and doing things without any concern, whatsoever, about the public or mankind’s view of me.
So, embrace your own unique way of viewing this world and operating in this world; I think you’re just amazingly swell the way you are in my brief time of interacting with you.
/s/ Alfonso Faustino
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much! 💚💙. Hehe I can definitely mask/act well in order to appear “normal” lol 😉. What is not as obvious is how much energy it takes sometimes 💗. Trying to put my thoughts into words that come across as intended can be really tricky for me at times lol 🌺🌺
LikeLiked by 1 person
You communicate so well — I dig your writing; and, I love that you are always trying to make improvements to yourself. We all need to improve ourselves — I’m on that journey, as well. I’m surprised that so many people work on owning their problems and working on their problems. I own mine, and I work on them every single day — it’s such a struggle for me, as well. It’s so refreshing to have met you and read your BLOGs.
/s/ Alfonso Faustino
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much! Hell yeah, I agree 😁💪🏼💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laina, if you want to email me, you can reach me at my call-sign at yahoo dot com.
/s/ Alfonso Faustino
LikeLiked by 1 person
Rock on! Mine is KF5MZE at gmail dot com 😊. Now I just have to remember to check it lol 😉😳😂🌺🌷
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! Man, I’m so happy to have met you…the Trinity sure works in great ways! I will send you an email.
/s/ Alfonso Faustino
LikeLike
Reblogged this on American Badass Activists.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for reblogging 😘🙌🏽❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Fire Bright Star Soul and commented:
So excellently explained.
“That said, please don’t ignore me until you want something. I’m not a commodity to be consumed or a resource to be used and then put away. I’m not a potential sales prospect. I’m a person in your personal life. I’m also a great listener and sounding board, but I’m not a counselor, and I can only handle so much bad news, even if it doesn’t involve me directly.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aww thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing my post 😘💕💫
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve had one friend who I talked photography with. To me, that was our special thing. To him, I was ignoring him unless it involved a camera. I wish he could have understood this.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aww I’m sorry that this happened to you! I wish he could have understood that, too 💞💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Lost and Found and commented:
This is SO much me. Except about the movies. I LOVE going to the movies with my daughters (one or both) but I have to wait until the movie’s been out about a week so the theater isn’t too crowded and can’t sit right next to anyone except my daughter and especially not anyone talking or eating. And if you’re sitting behind me, please don’t kick my seat!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for the reblog! 💌💟
LikeLiked by 2 people
❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on …i am my own experience… and commented:
Beautifully articulated… another amazing piece by The Silent Wave Blog. 🌸
LikeLiked by 1 person
Read your bloglovin posts before this one. You sound pretty stellar to me.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Awww! 😘😘. Thank you so much! I really treasure your kind words ❤️. I get such a kick out of the vignettes (and the accompanying pictures!!) on your blog 😁😁💓💓
LikeLike
Reblogged this on yarn and pencil and commented:
I’m reblogging this fab post by Laina as this is so close to my own experience…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so, so much for the reblog 😘😘❤️❤️🙌🙌
LikeLiked by 1 person
Someone in my life does the things you described in your post. It was really helpful to read about them–it helps me understand.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much 💜💙. I’m really glad it helped! 😊
LikeLike
“It’s not you; it’s me. Well, actually, it’s our intersection. It’s not a character flaw, just a neurodevelopmental variant. It happens, and it’s OK”: beautiful expression of the magic of acceptance.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much, Clare! 😊😊. Beaming from ear to ear 💖💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent article ma’am, very good read so I am going to reblog this one for you. I hope that you are able to have a great week.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awww! Thank you 💗💗
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Truth Troubles.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Many thanks, my friend 💖💖
LikeLike
Nice post. BTW, facial expressions and body language are sth I’ve been dealing with lately.
One more thing-how come you don’t like/watch movies? Last seen in 2012, that’s too extreme for me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your kind words 😁
I watch movies but I’m really selective about them 😊. I find movie theaters increasingly difficult to withstand, whether the volume is too high or low, people around us talking or staring at their (brightly lit) mobile phones, etc. These days, I rarely find a movie trailer that captivates me enough to lure me into the sensory hell that theaters have become 😊. Come to think of it, we might have seen one movie in a theater in 2014 or 2015, but I can’t recall for sure 😉
That being said, we watch a *lot* of movies at home. Our DVD collection is pretty extensive 😁😉💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
I bet.
I totally get your point. Not to mention people eating in movie theaters.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Find Your Spark and commented:
As a fellow “Aspie” to Laina, I just HAVE to share this with my husband who says he “remains confused” (about me, I mean) and my readers. I could not have said it better…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for sharing and for your kind words! I really appreciate that 😘🌷🌹
LikeLike
First blog I have read after your about page. Nice to read something I can relate too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, my friend! I really appreciate your encouraging words 😊😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and ideas on your site for all to participate and contribute.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much! It’s been my pleasure (and it’ll continue to be!) 😉❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
This post is so refreshing! I can fully relate and MUST re-blog this😁
These attributes have caused great difficulty for me in maintaining friendships throughout the years. I tend to disappoint people by what they perceive to be indifference. I care. I really do. Despite this, I often find friendships to be draining because it is beyond difficult for others to understand how my mind works. I feel pressured and frustrated so I withdraw from others.
Your writing style is engaging. I didn’t drift off at ANY point when reading this! Lol. I know this doesn’t come off as the greatest of compliments but is intended to be😁 What a relief it is to find so many “non-typicals” that can relate. AND I am feeling very good about not being anything that could be construed as “normal.”
Once upon a time, I thought I was alone in the 🌎
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awww! Eve, girl, those are some of the most beautiful comments one can receive and I’m so very touched! 💗💗. I’m so happy you’re finding relief in being able to relate; that’s exactly how I felt when finding blogs by other Aspie/autistic people (!). Omg it was amazing. So validating and comforting 😁. And amen to feeling just fine about not being anything “normal”; I find the “average” of anything rather boring, and it’s so cool how we’re all so different! (That’s not meant to be a slam on nonautistic people of course, as there’s diversity among them too, but yeah, what some people claim is “normal” is often boring/petty. I think everyone pretty much knows what I mean 😉). Yes, dear friend, you are truly not alone 💖🌟💖🌷🌺
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Laina! You nailed it again. You are a godsend:)
LikeLike
Life throws a test whenever we go looking for real friends. However, most of the times that real friends are not to be looked for, rather, they are the ones who we stumble upon just by chance. As a matter of fact these chances are what make life so beautiful and all the memories with friends all the more special. Please check out this post about the surprises that life’s unpredictability throws at us as a testament to its beauty: https://columntribe.wordpress.com/2017/10/23/a-break-from-everyday/
LikeLike
Thank you so much for linking! 😊❤️
LikeLike